The thought of kids and marriage is freaking me out

[Scrantonstrangler]

Hi, so I know im probably worrying about this way before I have to but the future just freaks me out.
I'm 21 he's 23 been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We have lived together for 2 and a half years and have a dog.
He talks about marriage so matter of factly and mentions kids etc, the thought just makes me kind of panic.

I know im young, but a lot of our friends are getting engaged and having kids, its way too young for me but I think should still be able to think about it without feeling a bit freaked out??
I don't understand. My first ever boyfriend I used to think about it all the time and feel excited, i know I was young and naive, total first love feelings and never thought I'd split up with him ( so silly haha )
We are currently studying our last year, and after this we are planning to move to where we can find a job and start careers, that's okay but he then mentions getting a bigger house, thinking about buying somewhere more permanent.
I just don't know why i feel such an aversion to kids and marriage it's a mixture of woah can't ever imagine being ready and just cringing. Ive always wanted kids and to be married so I am so confused, anyone else felt like this ?

It was convenient how we got together but we still are good together, we have loads of shared interests and for the most parts the same ideas about the future.
I like that he is open minded and he makes me laugh harder than anyone I have known.
I do love him very much.
I think because his friends are doing these huge mile stones I am just feeling we aren't doing good enough and that we are still just getting by until.the next phase ( career, moving, getting settled financial wise )
His mum mentioned the other day stuff about getting engaged and I don't think people understand that's not our priority and I feel quite stubborn about it like the more people ask the more I am like no! We dont want to!

So many people ask us if we are getting engaged when I say how long we have been together and I think I'm just feeling like I have the wrong mindset because it's not anywhere near top of my list right now.

He may not realise it himself but what he says he is asking of you at this time in your life (not getting married now= no "world-without-end-bargain") is not the same as what he actually is asking of you (firm commitment to get married in the future= so de facto "world-without-end-bargain" made now and celebrated at some later date).

"So plan is, he looks for jobs all over country and we move to best option, and I will start my freelance at home business"
So you will be moving to where he wants to be and you will be financially dependent until your business gets going? Are you absolutely sure that's what you want to do?

Will you have a chance to do some market research? What if the place he wants to move to has no demand for whatever it is you're doing?

bert
I'll definitely be able to research if it'll be beneficial to me.
I also have a full time job right now as well as studying which could be a career in itself which is related to my free lance job ( same topic ) worst comes to worse I can relocate via that company or I can look for a job using my degree. Career wise I am not really sure which route I am going to end up going down however he is very sure.
We have a few places in mind one is where I am originally from so I know it very well and have already had demand for my freelance job but obviously this depends on his job opportunities.
Also have lived in a few cities so I have a good idea of a few places where he will job hunt first

Agree with both Bertrand and cory's posts. If you actively don't want to even think about marriage and kids, and he's 'open-minded' enough not to get hung up on other people's 'milestones', then where is all this pressure coming from? At your age now-DH and I had 20 more years of unmarried, childfree life to live before marrying and having DS.

The pressure is coming from me really... hearing everyone asking me when we are getting engaged and talking about it to me.
I can be an anxious person at times and have no idea why I am focusing on it so much. I would be blissfully unaware if it wasnt for everyone mentioning it like people at my work and his parents it kind of brings me back to earth like oh.god should we be making that next step?

Thank you for everyone though because you have reassured me that I am not in a rush. The place we live I think is quite small minded it isnt uncommon for men to work and for women to not have any type of career. A lot of people's main focuses are buying houses and getting married having families ASAP and I think I was starting to think I was weird for not wanting that. Have to remember it's not the common thing

I was 22 when I met my husband. 25 when we got engaged, 27 when we got married and 34 when we had a baby. Literally the thought of having baby when I was in my 20s made my blood run cold. There is no rush op. Do things at your own pace.

The pressure is coming from me really... hearing everyone asking me when we are getting engaged and talking about it to me.

You're just going to have to get used to that. Its a fact of life. If you do get engaged it'll be 'whens the wedding?'. If you do get married it'll be 'when are we going to hear the little pitter patter of tiny feet?! you don't want to wait too long you know!'. If you do have a kid it'll be 'are you going to have another one? my hubs was an only child and its ever so upsetting for him'. If you break up it'll be 'are you seeing anyone? my neighbour left his wife and was married again in a year!'. If you start your own business it'll be 'oo you know people don't make much money working from home. My auntie Sandra managed to bankrupt the whole family. You'd be much better off getting a real job'.

Learn the following depending on the circumstnaces
hadn't thought about it really!
thats not really something I want to talk about
fuck off out of my business!

then do exactly what you choose to do for the whole of the rest of your life :)

Thank you :gary: things like that are so reassuring to me

Haha yes you are right chesty I don't think about it like that