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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I find my dad?

30 replies

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 09:47

I wonder if I could get some advice please from people who have dealt with similar. NC of course as it's quite outing but I post here daily.

My mum and dad split up before I was born. I don't know the details because my mum died before I fit to ask her.

I have a big maternal family who have always looked after me and whilst I grew up very poor, I was well loved and very well cared for.

I'm nearly 40 and I have recently started thinking about looking for him.

The thing is, I don't know what for, I think it's just to satisfy curiosity. I'm a professional, own my home, my husband and I are very happy and I'm not looking for a 'dad' or 'support' from him.

I suppose I just want to know how he could do what he did. I don't even feel really angry but I am confused. I know men leave their children all the time so it's not uncommon. I just don't understand it I suppose.

I know this is a bit of a ramble - truth is I don't really know what I'm asking but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/08/2017 10:23

Something you should work out with the help of a counsellor I think.

It seems as though things are going well for you now, it's a risk to jump into trying to find him without working out your feelings (why you want to, what you want to get out of it, what you are prepared for etc) before you start looking.

Offred · 22/08/2017 10:25

Feeling angry would be appropriate BTW. Unless you have already worked through anger and come to acceptance then the anger may hit you later, after finding out about him.

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 10:26

Thanks for replying Offred. I hadn't thought about that. That's a good place to start.

I suppose part of it might be that he's in his early 70s now and I wonder if I'll regret it if I leave it so late he's dead when I do finally find him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 10:27

Yes, you're right about the anger. I wonder if I've suppressed it somewhat.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/08/2017 10:51

You need to think through all the scenarios;

not finding him
finding he has passed away
finding him, him not wanting to know
finding him, he wants to know but is an arse
finding him, he seems lovely but it is not a positive experience for you
finding him but he tells you things about your mum you now have no way of resolving

Etc etc

It is a can of worms. On the one hand, as an adult who has suffered from some dysfunction in childhood you will probably have to come to accept that you will never get full resolution and that your parents' problems are not your problems to resolve. On the other hand, there are things that you may want from him as part of integrating said dysfunction.

Offred · 22/08/2017 10:56

But you can do it in steps. Finding out about him doesn't necessarily mean you will then want to actually meet him, meeting him doesn't mean you will want to know him... I recommend taking it but by bit if you decide to go forward with finding him and make sure you keep in mind that you are the priority here.

People will often casually say things like 'he is your father' but you don't know him and you really don't owe him anything.

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 10:59

Offred - thank you so much. Your responses have been so kind and thoughtful. I will talk to my husband about all of this and find a counsellor to talk through all of these things.

OP posts:

Hotpinkangel19 · 22/08/2017 11:07

@Daddyissuescliche My Dad has 2 daughters from a previous marriage, not been in touch for years.... they will be in their 40s now, Dad just turned 75 and has not long left to live ☹️ I often wonder how they would feel if they ever decided to contact him, and the chance had passed. This makes me feel so sad seeing it from your angle.

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 11:10

hotpink - an I ask why there hasn't been any contact for so long?

How would your dad feel if they got in touch out of the blue?

OP posts:

Hotpinkangel19 · 22/08/2017 11:17

I honestly don't know, Dad blames himself and has never gone into it really, which I totally respect. I often have seen him looking at photos of them and felt sad. I remember once asking if he would contact them, and he said he would hate to disrupt their lives now they are hopefully happy, but I know it is one of his biggest regrets.

rizlett · 22/08/2017 11:17

I wanted to find my estranged dad op because I felt half of me was missing. I didn't really know who I was and felt 'lost' a lot of the time. Of course this was not me who was 'lost' but him.

Unfortunately he had died some years before [when I was 13] and I needed to work through a lot of emotions surrounding this. I do feel though that for me, it was still the right choice to find him.

Hotpinkangel19 · 22/08/2017 11:19

@Daddyissuescliche If they contacted him he'd be over the moon. I know he would. He doesn't have long left now, he's on end of life care. I can't imagine how it must be for you, or my dad's daughters. X

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 11:25

Thank you both for sharing those stories.

I don't feel 'lost' and I'm very confident in who I am. It's all the little things adding up over time - when doctors ask about family history I don't know anything - I start to get curious.

However, I know he knew about me and never made any effort to find me which does obviously hurt, but I also just don't get. My husband would move heaven and earth for our children, even before they were born.

I also worry about him and any family he has thinking I'm looking for money or being written into his will or something. I can deal with unpleasant people no problem but it's just hassle I can't be bothered with since I really don't need his money.

Of course, if I discover a wealthy property owner, I suspect I'll find my inner rage having grown up in poverty whilst he did nothing for me.

Urgh. I don't know at all anymore.

OP posts:

Hotpinkangel19 · 22/08/2017 11:28

@Daddyissuescliche From my point of view, if my dad's daughters contacted him now, I wouldn't feel that way... he's their dad as much as he is mine, regardless of the circumstances. Did you ever have contact with him?

Offred · 22/08/2017 11:30

Also if he has a second family who he has loved and been present with?

The real answer usually comes down to him being a deficient person. He didn't love you in the way you needed him to when you were little. That's what happened, he was deficient in relation to you, he was.

He may be capable of it now (a lifetime later) but it's too late to fix it now so what do you get out of it? Knowing medical history, seeing who he is, his explanation of why he is deficient etc?

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 11:31

No Hotpink - none.

I think that my mum may have taken me to see his parents shortly after I was born but neither they nor him made any contact.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/08/2017 11:33

Do you think you can handle seeing it as his deficiencies rather than you being deficient (as you were unwanted)?

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 11:33

That's what I struggle with Offred - I have no idea what I want from it - it just feels like curiosity at this stage but I'm well aware I almost certainly have buried feelings about it and should explore these before embarking on any serious investigation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 11:34

Yes, I know he's deficient and I do truly know that.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/08/2017 11:34

Rationally it can't be you that is deficient. He abandoned you before you were born and never tried to meet you. It is definitely about him and his deficiencies.

Offred · 22/08/2017 11:35

You don't need to forgive him for them unless it is truly helpful for you.

PollytheDolly · 22/08/2017 11:43

Watching with interest

user1472206348 · 22/08/2017 11:45

i can only offer my experience not advise

I am a similar age to you. my bio father always knew about me, he came to visit when i was 6/7 made no effort to talk to me, i had my back to him as he made me uncomfortable. my mum pestered me for years to go see him, but in my mind he was never going to add to my life. i eventually allowed my address to be forwarded to him, in which he wrote a few lines of politeness nothing personal not asking after me or my ds, that summed it up for me, he never contacted me again. i know he has M.E, that was the only medical info he gave, and i have a sister by him who I'm in contact with but that was done through my mum, she has filled me in about him and has no contact either. I'm happy that i didn't meet him as i don't want to question who i am, my mum raised me with my grandparents help and i owe them everything.

It is a difficult to thing to contemplate if you've never been through it, i wish you the best x

Original poster

Daddyissuescliche · 22/08/2017 12:55

Thank you User - it's a very hard thing to explain to people who haven't been through similar.

OP posts:

Thunderclapnewgirl · 22/08/2017 14:22

I have been through a similar experience to you about 10 years ago. My biological father upped and left when I was 3 to go and live abroad with another woman he had met through work. He made no contact over the years and never paid maintenance to my DM. When I hit the age of 40 (happily married, my own family, good place in my life) I decided to see if I could trace him. I eventually did so, only to find he had died 3 weeks earlier. However, the plus side was that eventually I did meet up with his "new" family (I found I had a half sister and half brother who I am still in contact with). He had tried to contact me (but unbeknown to me my DM had found out and put a stop to it). He had kept photos of me and his new family knew that I existed. I now have a better understanding of my complete medical history and it appears that my DM's description of him as a complete knob is probably a very accurate assessment (and was confirmed by his second ex-wife!). I don't feel any distress or upset in not having met him. But the process helped me to get over the "not knowing" and has stopped me feeling that maybe I wasn't quite good enough. Hope that helps.

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