Am I right to stop MIL doing childcare?

[AFeastforCrows]

After 16 years DP and I are splitting up. He's always been selfish but I don't think I really saw it until DS came along. Recently I've felt like I have a lodger rather than a partner and would say I've ended up doing 90% of DS's care since he was born 10mths ago. He constantly makes me feel unreasonable, always makes little comments about me and then pretends he hasn't said anything and constantly fucking moans. I could shit diamonds and he'd say they're too shiny.

Anyway enough about that. I've decided DS is not going to be brought up in this environment and will not grow up thinking this is the way relationships work.

I'm due to go back to work in 2 weeks for 3 days a week. My DM was going to have DS for 2 days and I begrudgingly said MIL could do the other day. There's nothing wrong with her but she is very domineering with everything being her way. Things like doing my washing when she's looked after DS, going into my bedroom and opening curtains/going through my clothes to wash them, changing the coffee in my coffee jar to the one she uses etc. Small things to some people, and all done in the name of 'helping', but leaves me with a sense of interfering. She has never actual told me she has done these things btw, I've just found washing on my line or gone into my bedroom to open curtains (once I've remembered) to find them already open etc. In short, I don't trust her not to go through my stuff.

DP is due to move out in the next few days and I've started to think towards juggling going back to work and having DS on my own. I really don't want MIL in my house while I'm at work and DP no longer lives here. Is that unreasonable? It's not so bad when she's in her son's home but for her to be here when it's just me and DS makes me uncomfortable.

My DM can have DS for the extra day or until I can work something out. I will not allow DS to go to MIL's house and neither would DP (the one thing we agree on!) as she has a horrible dog who has bitten FIL, they also smoke and live up several flights of stairs (MIL has had a knee replacement and is quite unsteady on stairs & FIL is 76)

Apologies if I've rambled but things with DP have only just come to the final straw and I need things clear in my head before he starts talk about MIL coming here to have DS while I'm at work.

Are you paying her?
Is he sharing custardy or paying you maintenance?

I never understand people who don't trust the judgement of someone enough to allow their child into the home of a care giver

I agree with you. She's no right to do the things she's done. Why does she think it has to be her coffee.

If she was washing the stuff in the laundry basket, I'd say maybe she's trying to help, but it's not something I'd want my MIL to do.

Far too much interference. I totally second your view on this.

You are punishing her because you are passed off with him. Two days is a lot to have a gc three days us seriously hard on your dm. Set some boundaries and allow both gm their gc.

I think you need to talk to her rather than say no altogether. If you and your dh are separating she's probably worried she won't see her grandchild much as it is (I say that as someone who split up with the dad of my dd when she was 6 months old and she still goes to visit her Grandparents on her dads side every few weeks for the weekend and has done for nearly 13 years now!)

If she won't listen to you then that's a different thing but I think you're going to have to say for example, please stay downstairs etc etc.

Could you trial it?

But just tell her point blank to not go in your bedroom ? not to change the coffee as you like that certain one but she's welcome to bring a brand she likes ?

If she Still does it then make other plans ?

Personal question, can you afford childcare? No need to answer that. Just if you can afford a few hours at a nursery, she could maybe collect him and by the time she's got him home you yourself will only be an hour or so behind, limiting her time to snoop. This can go under the explanation of increasing his social circle etc.

Where is your ex going? If he finds somewhere could she have ds there? Then maybe he could have a few hours with him that evening before returning him. It doesn't sound like he would have the first clue without his mothers support anyway.

And I too would feel very uncomfortable with mil going through my bedroom floor to find a load of washing get a hidden camera

Or buy a second coffee pot for her to use

Use paid childcare

Allow mil to see her grandchild at her home often, but not as a n'x days a week' arrangement.

Pitch it to GM as that you need to know that you definitely have those days for work and that it's too much to put on her alone - what if she's unwell, that leaves you in the lurch BUT of COURSE you want her to see her grandchild - but mil it'll be much more fun for you both to do it as and and when.

You must have reliable childcare. It's easy enough to ring nursery and say Grammy is having your kid today than it is to find childcare if granny is unwell etc.

If you set a precedent of her having regular access that can be used to argue for access rights. Just be aware of that if she is a nightmare. But if she's just mildly annoying then your problem is just for her to do childcare at her house not yours. It's good for the Child to have a relationship within the GP as long as that relationship is healthy

Like mother, like son. She sounds just as bad as your soon to be ex partner does. She is interfering under the guise of "helping" and will actively ignore any boundary you care to set her.

Re this sentence:-
"There's nothing wrong with her but she is very domineering with everything being her way".

There is an awful lot wrong with her, emotionally healthy people do not do these behaviours in other people's houses and particularly without seeking permission beforehand.

I would use a childminder.

These parents sound far too old to be doing childcare for full days.

I'd be inclined to have a proper conversation with her.

Say, it is no longer her sons home so some things that have made you uncomfortable need to stop as you only didn't mention them because it was also her sons home and he wanted her to feel welcome. But they really aren't appropriate now

Then say she mustn't go in your bedroom ever. Can you find a way of checking if she has (cctv) and saying there is cctv in your room - not trying to trick her.

Can she do the childcare at his place

get paid childcare and just pitch it as a done deal - you need absolute realiability for work and that's only happening with a childminder or nursery. What if she's unwell? Or holds it over you? Nope. Not happening.

Then you allow her and the child to build whatever relationship you feel best but at her house if you're not in.

Relationship maintained, childcare reliable. Boundaries enforced. Win win.

Presumably your ex is going to get somewhere to live, which is going to be appropriately child-friendly, as he'll be seeing his son there? so why can't MIL look after DS in her own son's home, rather than in yours?

"MIL has had a knee replacement and is quite unsteady on stairs & FIL is 76"

In that case I'm surprised it would occur to you in the first place to use them as childcare tbh.

Where will your stb ex going to be living?
That hm will be his home for him and his child when he has contact.
It's only fair ex contributes to childcare. Can mil do the childcare in his home and she can do his washing rearrange his rooms but him coffee etc to her hearts content.

However I do take on pps views as to how realistic it's going to be for a woman of her age to run round with a soon to be walking toddler as that's a totally different kelktvof fish to an immobile regularly napping baby. I think long term she will find it too much be unable to cope or not really meet his needs. So I think you should either knock it on the head now (particularly if it must be in your home) or have a very short term trial and look for an alternative anyway.

Trying to keep things in perspective here. Do you trust her to take good care of your child?

If you honestly answer yes, then let her look after her gc and put up with snooping (by all means tell her not to do things) but feel happy your child is cared for by a trusted source.

If the answer is no, then I'd suggest finding an alternative. Why leave your child with someone who snoops and you don't entirely trust to look after your baby anyway.

I would ask both parents to keep out of your bedroom

"MIL has had a knee replacement and is quite unsteady on stairs & FIL is 76"

Putting aside the domineering and break-up issues for a moment, this alone would make me think twice about letting her do childcare. How quickly could she get him out of the house in an emergency? Can she get down on the floor to play with him? Support him on equipment in the park? My DP's DM has similar mobility issues and she agreed it would be impractical for her to care for our DC when they were a baby/toddler. It's fine now DC is older.

Thanks for the replies, will try to answer all questions.

DP has nowhere to go yet so will be staying on his DM's sofa. He also lost his job a month ago and has made no real attempt to get a new one so has no means to get his own place to stay or pay me any money towards DS.

I'm not punishing her at all. She clearly loves DS but will not listen when asked to not interfer. This wasn't too bad when she looked after DS for the odd hour now and again but the thought of her doing it regularly makes me feel suffocated. Tbh I've never wanted her to look after DS but got railroaded by DP going on and on about his DM having DS and basically arranged it behind my back. Now the relationship is over I'm realising a lot of my 'choices' have been overtaken by DP For instance she came to visit us the other day. When she arrived she declared that she would take DS to SIL's to play with DN. How much DN was looking foward to it, lots of 'give you a break', 'that's ok isn't?' 'I mean, if you don't want DS to go now.....' While she and DP looked at me. I know I should have nipped this in the bud.....

Even though FIL is 76, MIL is only 62. She is in fine health, just finds stairs difficult and I have reservations over her carrying my very hefty DS up 3 flights of hard stairs to her flat. DS sleeps in his pushchair when she has him here so no need for her to carry him up our stairs or do anything to aggrevate her knee.

I think yanbu if you're not comfortable with it and that's the end of the matter really but a couple of points to consider:

I do think people get a bit unreasonable about their personal space on mumsnet. If someone's in your house all day with young dc then they should have the run of the place really - I'm not talking about going through your drawers or anything but putting a wash on or opening bedroom curtains - meh - sometimes the kids would be wandering round the house playing hide and seek or looking for something - it's not a biggie. My mil and dm do childcare for me and they have some of their stuff here, and do some washing on occasion. Often I ask them for a specific favour or to stay in for a plumber or whatever so there are plenty of pros. Would you feel differently if it was your own mum doing these things? Emptying out your coffee is a bit rude but perhaps it had run out and they just topped it up? If not you could address it by saying "I've bought you a separate tin for your coffee when you're here - I know you like x brand" -

If you want your dc to have a relationship with her this might be the most painless way rather than always having to be there. Dc can sometimes have a wholly different relationship with grandparents and it can be beneficial for it to be independent from you.

Finally, if you are splitting from your dp you have to accept you are relinquishing some control. You don't have to accept people you don't want in your house but unfortunately if dp leaves your dc with his mum now and again during his contact time you have no say - so this might be the lesser of two evils?

I would guess she will be more of a problem now you have binned her ds. .
Proper childcare so you can go to work reassured about your dc not stressed and worried all day. .

No, all childcare at her place. That's how it's going to work

Regular childcare needs to be paid. You HAVE to have reliable childcare for work. No exceptions. You arrange regular paid childcare now, without any input from mil. Just do it and present it as a done deal.

Then you say of but of course I want you to see him, mil, at the same time I have to have something rock solid in place for work. So we can arrange you to have him at your place as and when (not x days per week, you need to keep that nursery place.)

Any objections are met with 'already paid the whole term/signed up for the year/can't possibly impinge on you I want your time together to be fun.'

Take control. She will get to see her grandchild, you get reliable childcare on your terms. Boundaries are maintained.

If your exP dorsnt have a job cant he do the childcare?

I think I struggle with the interfering because my parents have never interfered. My DM would never go into my bedroom or go through the wash basket. I find it overwhelming whereas DP, being a man child, didn't see the issue - he sounds like a right catch doesn't he?

MIL doesn't know about the break up yet but yes, I can only imagine what she's going to be like. Ringing constantly to check I'm coping etc. I unplugged the phone once when she rang me 5 times in the space of an hour when DS was a few weeks old (waking him and me up several times) and leaving panciked messages on the answer machine when I don't answer the phone (I've only gone to fucking rhyme time....)

Ex-DP doing childcare wouldn't be my first choice considering he's never had DS on his own in 10 months and says he can never remember his routine, you know....like giving him breakfast

Writing all of this down is embarrassing, I'm finally realising what a shit relationship this has been