Am I right to stop MIL doing childcare?

[AFeastforCrows]

After 16 years DP and I are splitting up. He's always been selfish but I don't think I really saw it until DS came along. Recently I've felt like I have a lodger rather than a partner and would say I've ended up doing 90% of DS's care since he was born 10mths ago. He constantly makes me feel unreasonable, always makes little comments about me and then pretends he hasn't said anything and constantly fucking moans. I could shit diamonds and he'd say they're too shiny.

Anyway enough about that. I've decided DS is not going to be brought up in this environment and will not grow up thinking this is the way relationships work.

I'm due to go back to work in 2 weeks for 3 days a week. My DM was going to have DS for 2 days and I begrudgingly said MIL could do the other day. There's nothing wrong with her but she is very domineering with everything being her way. Things like doing my washing when she's looked after DS, going into my bedroom and opening curtains/going through my clothes to wash them, changing the coffee in my coffee jar to the one she uses etc. Small things to some people, and all done in the name of 'helping', but leaves me with a sense of interfering. She has never actual told me she has done these things btw, I've just found washing on my line or gone into my bedroom to open curtains (once I've remembered) to find them already open etc. In short, I don't trust her not to go through my stuff.

DP is due to move out in the next few days and I've started to think towards juggling going back to work and having DS on my own. I really don't want MIL in my house while I'm at work and DP no longer lives here. Is that unreasonable? It's not so bad when she's in her son's home but for her to be here when it's just me and DS makes me uncomfortable.

My DM can have DS for the extra day or until I can work something out. I will not allow DS to go to MIL's house and neither would DP (the one thing we agree on!) as she has a horrible dog who has bitten FIL, they also smoke and live up several flights of stairs (MIL has had a knee replacement and is quite unsteady on stairs & FIL is 76)

Apologies if I've rambled but things with DP have only just come to the final straw and I need things clear in my head before he starts talk about MIL coming here to have DS while I'm at work.

Wildcard suggestion... What is stopping ex from having his own child on this day? Ok he can't keep lo at pils, but if coming to yours is out of the question, what about taking him to sils or somewhere neutral?

Hasn't the OP said that her son can't go to MIl's house as she has a horrible dog that has bitten FIL already?

I'm not a MIL basher, but in this case, I firmly agree with you, and change the locks, when he's gone.
Your ex partner can involve his DM, in his time.

It doesn't sound like it's going to work.

Could you afford a couple of mornings of nursery so your mum is only doing half days? Then maybe mil could occasionally look after him for the afternoon rather than you committing to a set day every week?

Just another view but maybe you're being a bit harsh. If you truly trust her care of your daughter the other bits can be sorted out by locking your bedroom door and getting a coffee pot for her. I think a grandparent looking after a child of that age is almost always going to be better than nursery.

for you though. Horrible having to sort out the mess after a break up.

On MILs allocated day, she minds DD in your Ex-p's new house?

Then she can rearrange and do laundry to her hearts content.

this of course is the best solution if practical

She doesn't know you've split up but her son has arranged to move in with her and sleep on her sofa??

Sorry that was supposed to be pointing at fuckyou''s reply

Mumisrunning I should have said DP will end up sleeping on her sofa as he has nowhere else to go and won't stay here as I've finished it. God forbid he stays to help with his DS

Sounds like then she'll have her hands full with her own Man-baby if he's such a deadbeat and going to be living on her sofa.

You could maybe spin it to her that she'll need to focus on her baby for a while so you'll get a nursery place for the time being until things settle down. Meanwhile you will still ensure that she gets to see DS on X or Y day as a visit rather than childcare.

Any chance something like that might work?

I'd let her do it in your house, that way you keep some control. You sacrifice privacy but in the coming months you know that it will be MIL who does her son's childcare... Better if you keep the contact and can tell her what to do, routines, etc. Plus you can then ask what they are doing when they have the baby and get more information.

I think you were pushed into something you weren't comfortable with in the first place and now circumstances have changed and given you an out and I think that's completely fine.

MsGame I think you're completely right. I never truly felt comfortable with it all but went along with it to keep the peace.

DP and I got together when we were 16 so I've spent my entire adult life with him and it feels as if a massive fog has lifted from my eyes. The relationship was never abusive but I think I have been pushed into a lot of things for an easy life, which is ringing alarm bells now

I think yanbu not to feel entirely comfortable about it OP, but unfortunately you're still entwined with your ex DP and his family so you'll have to find the least painful way to make it work, which might be maintaining some version of the status quo - though you could be more forthright about what you do and don't want now you're that bit removed. Otherwise you'll probably have to accept ds will sometimes be at her house and you can't police him there.

Do people not even read at least the first post properly.

I will not allow DS to go to MIL's house and neither would DP (the one thing we agree on!) as she has a horrible dog who has bitten FIL

^^This is why he can't be looked after in MILS house.

Yes exactly but her dad is going to be living there so we shall see if he continues to agree.

No, don't allow this woman into your house unsupervised. She obviously has a problem with boundaries and you will continue your losing battle over them if you give her the opportunity. It's sad but your response is a consequence of her behaviour.

I know how exhausting and frustrating it can be to be continually restating your boundaries. Ex's parents do not have my address (Ex convicted of attempted manslaughter against me) but that doesn't stop them rather clumsily trying to get it out of me. I will be moving soon so I've been rather slack about them knowing my general area but I am frustrated that I have to keep on reminding them, that no, I won't be giving the parents of the man who tried kill me, traumatised my DD and who doesn't pay child support my bloody address. They are more than welcome to their denial bubble, just as long as they don't try and sell their delusion to me. Rant over and back to the OP.

People like your MIL need firm boundaries and those firm boundaries need to be constantly policed as she will try to ware you down with attempts to circumnavigate them.