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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

On holiday with cheating DH.

75 replies

Heartbreakdieter · 21/08/2017 23:14

So I have changed my username because DH was stalking me on mumsnet but I'm sure some of you will recognise me.

It has now been just over a month since I caught out DH in an affair with a colleague thanks to the spidery senses of the women on AIBU. I kicked him out of the house and had a few weeks to scream/cry but ultimately decided to let him come on holiday with us for the sake of the kids and for me as they have clearly been affected by the turmoil and have been waking me up every night
We are on holiday with friends. Everyone knows everything and we all agreed to come anyway. It's a four bed house plus guesthouse so plenty of space for everyone and we originally said he could come and sleep in the doghouse guesthouse but I am actually sleeping there myself to get some much needed rest. So that is good. And actually everyone is getting on well. Even me and him, except that it kills me because it all seems normal and then it all comes flooding back and punches me in the stomach with the memory of what he has done and how it is all just a mirage. I almost wish it weren't going well and that he was being shunned even though I know that would be crap for our poor friends. But at the moment it feels like the death of a thousand paper cuts having fun with him there just like he has been for the last fifteen years. And then I remember.

I have no idea what to do. I think it's good he came because the children barely see him normally but it is just surreal for me.

Part of me wants to book a flight home tomorrow and just run away but I would be cutting my nose off to spite my face, I think.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2017 21:20

If you are taking him back, own your decision

I agree with this. Playing a fucked uo game in front of friends, family and your children isn't ok. Just tell him you're fine with it and you'd prefer to stay married to him. Do you want an open relationship or would you prefer he kept his affairs secret in future and did a better job of hiding them? You should be honest instead of both of you pretending he won't be with either her or someone else again very soon.

Wdigin2this · 22/08/2017 21:25

OMG, I don't think I could have done that....I'm impressed you're still there!

Original poster

Heartbreakdieter · 22/08/2017 21:39

You're not angry any more?

Oh I'm still angry, but I am not the same not sleeping, not eating, hyperventilating wreck that I was a month ago. And yes that does lead me to wonder if it might be possible to get past this.

I haven't made any decisions, so I can't own them. I don't know when I will be ready to decide anything at all. I just haven't completely written off the possibility of a future reconciliation.
And yes, I decided to let him come on the holiday, which I now regret.

Thank you for the advice, however hard it is to read, it helps to see that it looks black and white from outside

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 22/08/2017 22:25

But heartbreak, he has said he would stay in the background for this holiday. Instead he has passively aggressively woe-is-me'd himself back into the heart of things and you are hiding. Has he done anything you said? He hasn't committed to leaving his job so he could be working with ow again. He still seems to be thinking of partner track which isn't compatible with his new plans to do the pick up etc so what does he think will happen there? This is only a month in. He doesn't seem to mean a thing he says, its just saying what you want to hear to get his life back the way he wants it.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2017 23:23

This affair would have still been going on if you didn't find out though.

This remorse... Is regret that he's been caught.

Of those thousands of texts, did anything indicate guilt?

What I recall is plotting and scheming to send you away (hope I'm not confusing you with another poster) while they arranged a date.

His promises of a future with her? Future faking or fear that divorce will cost him lots of money.

What has he done (besides words) to show that he's remorseful?

LisaMed1 · 22/08/2017 23:34

So he's been unfaithful and awful to you - and he's getting in at the heart of the friendship group and your in the guesthouse on your own?

He's winning the friends.

SweetLuck · 23/08/2017 02:41

Tell him to make himself scarce in the evenings like he said he wLuke.

HarryElephante · 23/08/2017 06:09

I will shut up now.

Best thing you've said in this thread.

Life isn't black and white, AF, no matter what experiences have shaped your views to make you believe it is. You are projecting (as is your way and wont).

Op, people have got past things like this and have gone on to have strong and lasting relationships. Don't make rash decisions. Take your time. Obviously to counter this, some people can never move on from it. And that's fine as well. There is no one way to happiness following a life changing event like this. Just find your own path and follow your own instincts.

SonicBoomBoom · 23/08/2017 08:15

Could you remind him that he was supposed to be making himself scarce in the evenings? It seems particularly cruel of him to be socialising with the friends while you have to hide away on your own.

SweetLuck · 23/08/2017 12:10

Yes, he's making you the outcast, you the one breaking up the group. Of course you shouldn't have to ask people to shun him, he should be making himself scarce.

Hillfarmer · 23/08/2017 12:32

HarryElephante

AF is an MN goddess. I won't have a word said against her

SweetLuck · 23/08/2017 13:44

Just because AF is an undisputed Mumsnet goddess doesn't mean nobody should be able to disagree with her advice or say that they think she's got it wrong. That would be ridiculous.

Hillfarmer · 23/08/2017 14:52

Many apologies, I was obviously not clear enough with my last post.

Of course disagreement and discourse is fine. I thought that particular comment though, from HarryElephante was rude.

LisaMed1 · 23/08/2017 15:01

He'll make sure your friends take his side - after all, who are they talking to the most on this holiday?

missmollyhadadolly · 23/08/2017 15:11

I think the advice from AnyFucker was just what OP needed, and she seemed to take it in good stead.

HarryElephante you can disagree without being so rude? Don't tell anyone to shut up.

I remember OP's thread about DH being moody before a holiday and I remember her thread about finding out about his affair, but I don't remember the one about broken toes? Would someone mind sending me a PM?

PopeMortificado · 23/08/2017 16:56

So he's been unfaithful and awful to you - and he's getting in at the heart of the friendship group and your in the guesthouse on your own?

^This.

What on earth do your friends think? Let alone being confusing for your children!

What have the other kids there been told? Not healthy for anyone I'd imagine.

ConstantStruggler · 23/08/2017 18:09

Where did Harry elephante tell AF to shut up?? AF told self.

I agree with HarryE that there is a lot of projection going on. IME you should not let anyone tell you what to do. Each case is unique. OP, you alone can decide whether your h is worth a second chance. I would, if I we're you, make sure he's remorseful and doing things for the right reasons. It is up to him to fix things and he should be trying to move heaven and earth to get back in your good books. Only then can you decide if you can move on.
And now for my own little bit of projection: i am just a few months down the line from you, having discovered in April that my h of 20 years and father of my dcs was having an affair with a colleague. I have decided to give him another chance for now but still don't know if it will eventually work out and what way.
Talk and openness is the only remedy I think.

PoorYorick · 23/08/2017 19:49

Each case is indeed unique, and while affairs are wrong, I'm not of the 'every person who ever had an affair under any circumstances is sheer liquid irredeemable evil' school of thought that's so prevalent on MN.

If it were just the affair, I would be concerned but, not knowing much more, would think it up to the couple to work out whether or not they can move past it. But from what I gather, this guy has been stalking you on here, somehow broke your toes and pressured you to come on holiday with you. All that, together with the affair, makes for a sinister picture.

I do agree that if you're going to let him get away with it, and it sounds as though you will, that you do need to own the decision....and you also need to get back to work. If that shatters his dreams of partnership, he should be grateful that's the only price he's paid, given how TRULY SORRY he is.

pocketsaviour · 23/08/2017 20:22

I haven't made any decisions, so I can't own them.

Deciding not to decide is also a decision in itself.

I do think you have not helped yourself by agreeing to him coming on this holiday. If you were here alone, you would have been spending the evenings with your friends, perhaps laughing or crying together about the situation, getting their support, or just taking a well needed break to get your mind off the subject and re-establish friendship ties. You would have had some distance from him and perhaps a chance to see things more clearly. All that is happening is that you are getting mired in a fog of indecision, which enables him to cut you out of the friendship group and get this couple on his side.

Perhaps I have misunderstood and they are more his friends than yours, as the woman is his colleague? (I didn't see your previous thread.) If they are equal friends of yours, then I think you should lay your boundaries down tomorrow and tell him "You said you would make yourself scarce in the evenings. That hasn't happened. Why?" and then tell him you'd like to spend tomorrow evening with friends so can he please fuck the fuck off make himself scarce. you know, like you've done every fucking night so far.

There is obviously some things you've done that you now wish you'd done differently. Don't feel that you're somehow obliged to keep carrying on doing something or following a course just because you've started on it.

Deciding to stay together is perfectly valid if you feel you can put this behind you. However, I'd caution that he will almost certainly have more affairs, and with him working away so much, you will probably never find out. If you cannot live with that, you are best off leaving. If you feel you can make your peace with "he's probably at it but as long as it doesn't affect me and the kids and he doesn't rub it in my face..." then stay. Thousands of women before you have done it and thousands more will in the future. Monogamous sex life isn't the be all and end all of a marriage.

That said - again I haven't read your previous thread - if there were suggestions that he was going to leave you for OW then you MUST protect yourself and the DC. Get employed, even if you have to take a hit on overall household income initially to pay for childcare. If he pulls this shit again 5 years down the line you need to feel confident you can trim sails and survive on your own as a single parent.

Ginlovinglady · 23/08/2017 20:43

@pocketsaviour
Deciding not to decide is also a decision in itself.
One of the truest lines I've heard in a long time. Sadly most people go down this route.

You sound like an extremely intelligent person.
I would only say that drifting along would be very bad for you long term, issues tend not to go away.

jm42 · 23/08/2017 22:38

Take heed of ChestnutsRoastingOnAnOpenfire - she's totally right. I just spent a "family " holiday with my cheating H . Hardest thing I ever did, for the sake of my boys. And whilst he professed undying love, I've come back and realised I don't trust him and never will again. Follow your head, not your heart and don't be afraid to call it a day. It will be the best thing you ever did. I know my DH will move on in a heartbeat, he slept with another woman 4 days after I told him marriage was over, like I never existed. Then I find out he was sh**ging someone else for 2 years before that. Now he's realised what hes' losing he is desperate. NARCISSIST

SweetLuck · 23/08/2017 23:15

The danger is that you tell him to make himself scarce and he does so in a hangdog manner that makes it look like you're the one who's created the bad atmosphere.

When in actual fact he is only there on sufferance and after promising to be with the kids in the daytime and bugger off in the evenings! Aaaargh!

Kittychatcat · 23/08/2017 23:19

Would he get on a flight home if you told him you're struggling and need him to go? Tell him it was a mistake agreeing to him coming on the holiday.

gingergenius · 24/08/2017 09:22

If it helps at all OP, I reconciled with OH after an affair. It's not easy. It it is possible if you are both committed. X

Brandybunny · 24/08/2017 10:28

A few options ..... stay with him and stomach the betrayal .....stay and get your leg over with a randomer (safe sex of course) to even the playing field....or leave him ..... I believe in the sanctity of marriage but you need to be mentally healthy ...in my experience when one partner has been cheating and been a lying swine it's impossible to recover 100%. You could go on with it all being a little bit broken or you can say f@@@k that I chose me and my mental health. Your choice your call...

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