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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On holiday with cheating DH.

75 replies

Heartbreakdieter · 21/08/2017 23:14

So I have changed my username because DH was stalking me on mumsnet but I'm sure some of you will recognise me.

It has now been just over a month since I caught out DH in an affair with a colleague thanks to the spidery senses of the women on AIBU. I kicked him out of the house and had a few weeks to scream/cry but ultimately decided to let him come on holiday with us for the sake of the kids and for me as they have clearly been affected by the turmoil and have been waking me up every night
We are on holiday with friends. Everyone knows everything and we all agreed to come anyway. It's a four bed house plus guesthouse so plenty of space for everyone and we originally said he could come and sleep in the doghouse guesthouse but I am actually sleeping there myself to get some much needed rest. So that is good. And actually everyone is getting on well. Even me and him, except that it kills me because it all seems normal and then it all comes flooding back and punches me in the stomach with the memory of what he has done and how it is all just a mirage. I almost wish it weren't going well and that he was being shunned even though I know that would be crap for our poor friends. But at the moment it feels like the death of a thousand paper cuts having fun with him there just like he has been for the last fifteen years. And then I remember.

I have no idea what to do. I think it's good he came because the children barely see him normally but it is just surreal for me.

Part of me wants to book a flight home tomorrow and just run away but I would be cutting my nose off to spite my face, I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartbreakdieter · 22/08/2017 17:28

Is that possible, as they're colleagues?

He seems to think so as he had just celebrated her promotion two days before I found out, which meant she wasn't on his projects anymore. He has his head in the sand though and could well end up stuck working with her if she engineered it and he wasn't paying attention.

I have said he needs to leave the firm, both because she is there and because of the work hard play hard culture that had him away from home so much. But he is in denial that that is really necessary as he is on the partner track and can't bring himself to let go.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 22/08/2017 17:33

Oh you poor thing. You're a bigger and better woman than I am, I think, for going through with the holiday.

Another chance?! I don't know what happened to your toes but someone above mentioned dv. I would struggle to be in the same room as him, let alone on holiday together.

SadFlowers

ClearEyesFullHearts · 22/08/2017 18:26

At the time of the broken ''tis incident, OP was very clear she considered it an accident rather than DV. I know some would disagree but I do think it's possible for stronger people (men) to accidentally hurt smaller people (women), especially as there seem to be no other incidents of DV.

Personally, I've made too many mistakes in my life to immediately brand someone harshly without further information.

OP, is the leaving the job idea a suggestion you had as to how you might move past this as a couple?

ClearEyesFullHearts · 22/08/2017 18:28

TOES! Not "'tis. FFS.

Original poster
Heartbreakdieter · 22/08/2017 19:53

OP, is the leaving the job idea a suggestion you had as to how you might move past this as a couple?

Yes. Not that I know that it is possible at all. But I think it is nigh on impossible if he stays where he works 100 hours a week and only comes home at weekends. Which is how I didn't realise he was having an affair in the first place and probably facilitated it. And of course knowing that she works there will never get easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartbreakdieter · 22/08/2017 19:58

That and the whole partner track thing relied on me being sahm and doing 110% of the parenting. Now under the circumstances I can't stay in that vulnerable position so I'm going back to work and he is going to actually do some of the drop offs etc, which may well mean the partner dream stops being a reality anyway

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 20:13

I don't get it

Are you staying together or what ? You are certainly buggering about with boundaries and this fucked up idea of a holiday must be 1) cringeworthy for your friends and 2) confusing for your dc

Why are you even in the same room and engaging with him ? He is a liar, an adulterer, a wife beater and a total piece of shit. He can't even let you get independent advice on MN without sticking his cock oar in it.

Is your plan to just punish him for a while, hang on to your dubious "power" over him for a while then go back to business as usual ? That seems to be what he thinks you are doing and that's what it looks like from here too. Confused

ClearEyesFullHearts · 22/08/2017 20:46

Are you staying together or what ?

It seems as though OP isn't sure. It seems as though there are uncertainties of feelings involved.

It's only been a month or two. Not everyone is black or white about marriage issues and infidelity and their futures.

Original poster
Heartbreakdieter · 22/08/2017 20:49

I don't know what I'm going to do. We are currently separated but the kids don't really know anything other than daddy was very nasty to mummy and is on the naughty step at nannas house. We have gone on holiday but I am staying in a different building and he is in the main house with the kids.

He's not a wife beater, the toes were an accident. Yes, he is a liar and an adulterer but he is begging for another chance. I told him I have six months to divorce him on adultery grounds and he asked me to wait five months before filing to see if it can be saved. And he begged to come on holiday and said he would just do childcare in the day so I could rest my foot and he would make himself scarce in the evening if we wanted him to. Given the kids barely see him I thought it would be good for them to have some time with him, and I think it has been. The making himself scarce in the evening part hasn't happened though. In fact I have taken myself off to the guesthouse and am watching a dvd on my own this evening.

No I am not just punishing him for a while or wielding power over him. I have no idea whether I could ever trust him again. But I don't have to decide that today and it is way too big a decision to make for sure in a month.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 22/08/2017 20:54

You both sound like a pair of idiots. I can't even be bothered to add to the word count of AF.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 20:55

Staying so intertwined is not going to help you make a decision. You said yourself you are already getting lulled into a false sense of normality

Before you know it you will be 6 months down the line, his feet will be back under the table and no consequences for him other than a bit of faceache from the wife

Happy days for him and you left wondering how the fuck he managed to manipulate you into letting him get away with treating you like a fool

Original poster
Heartbreakdieter · 22/08/2017 20:56

I really wish it were so black and white as it looks to you, AF. Until it happened to me I would have said that would be it in a heartbeat. And if we didn't have kids it probably would be. But right now it seems like a gargantuan decision to make.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 20:57

I would put it slightly more tactfully, DrM and say they both sound like a pair of gameplayers.

I don't believe your injuries are the result of an accident

AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 20:59

He made the decision already, didn't he ? He decided he deserved to dip his wick elsewhere.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 21:04

Don't just look at his cheating behaviour (although that is bad enough)

Since you found out he has invaded your private source of support and attempted to cut you off from it. He physically injured you. He is pressurising and gaslighting you.

Mumof41987 · 22/08/2017 21:04

How confusing for your kids ! I feel sorry for them ! I can't believe you said he was on the naughty step ? Why not just say he was at work if he all ready works away ? Saying he was nasty to mummy is awful for the dcs to hear . You both sound utterly clueless

AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 21:07

Playing out this fucked up dynamic in front of your family and friends on a contrived fun filled holiday is odd, to say the least

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2017 21:07

Although I think af is being a little,,,ehrm blunt, I think she has a point, I think deep down you know what you're going to do and you're going to take him back, you never really ended it anyway, you're just doing a dance right now to make it feel like you retained some dignity.

But the friends know, he knows, the kids know and you know. You're just playing a game, biding your time until you feel it's dignified and he's squirmed and promised enough.

pigeondujour · 22/08/2017 21:09

Since you found out he has invaded your private source of support and attempted to cut you off from it.

That's the worst bit I think. That's not the actions of someone who's genuinely sorry for hurting you.

Mama234 · 22/08/2017 21:11

Give op a break her whole life has just been turned upside down.

Original poster
Heartbreakdieter · 22/08/2017 21:12

You are probably all right. And that is probably why i am posting on here, because I want and need to get the anger back and help me think about it rationally and not get sucked back in

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 21:13

It won't stop him doing it again, no matter how big of a "lesson" you think you are giving him.

Believe it or not, what I say is meant kindly and constructively.

If you are taking him back, own your decision. That's all. Your family and friends will not be fooled, but more importantly neither will he

He knows if he just does the right amount of shit eating, it will be business as usual for him.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2017 21:16

You're not angry any more? You just found out this guy was having an affair. Everyone knew. And you've put him on the naughty step and are now on holiday with him. Like he forgot to take the bins out.

Yeah he will do it again. Why wouldn't he. You're in the middle of telling him as long as he pretends to end it after you find out you don't care who he shags and who knows he was shagging them. Just as long as he begs a little it's all good.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2017 21:16

I will shut up now. Please think about what I said. Good luck x

ClearEyesFullHearts · 22/08/2017 21:19

I told him I have six months to divorce him on adultery grounds

You might want to look into that, OP.

From what I understand the only advantage of divorcing on grounds of adultery is a faster divorce.

Also, the six months deadline doesn't apply if you haven't been living together for more than six months since the time you learned of the affair.

Another thingand no one mentions this reallyis that if you want to divorce on grounds of adultery (and I'm not saying you do) there will likely be no benefit in terms of settlement (which I realise isn't your main concern at the moment).

All FYI, but do look into it.