Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A male friend asked me to spend the night

35 replies

Mellie1025 · 21/08/2017 20:29

I've been in a committed relationship for three years now but have recently been going through a very rocky patch. We're trying to have a baby (with no luck), he has a friend that keeps sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong and my partners mother has been very ill.

And in walks my bestfriend of 22 years. He and I dated when we were 19 and it ended very badly when I had a miscarriage at 21. We always remained friends and both even married other people. Our child are very close in age and get along like family. He always knows when I need him the most and usually how to fix things. On Friday night my partner and I had a huge fight because he put his daughters needs above mine, which is mostly what we fight about. In walks my "knight in shining Armour". He offered to take me for drinks and even offered to have my spend the night in his truck (he's a long haul trucker). I declined, went home and had a pretty miserable night with my partner.

The next day I told him exactly what had happened and he told me not to worry as he trusted me and that I had done the right thing. I don't wanna give up my friendship of 22 years but what happens if I don't have the same will power next time.

I need some advise.

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 21/08/2017 20:33

Focus on your relationship with your DP.

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 21/08/2017 20:36

Is it horrible that sometimes i think i might be happier with the friend? My partner is going through a high stress custody battle and as much as I try and be there for him, it's hard because I feel like he doesn't appreciate all I do for him and his daughter.

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 21/08/2017 20:39

I feel like the friend is a bit of a red herring though.

Also it won't make it any easier to deal with your relationship problems if you follow your feelings for this friend before you've ended it with your partner. If you're unhappy with him then you know what to do.

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 21/08/2017 20:42

I wouldn't say I'm unhappy... I just need to feel a little more wanted. I feel like the house keeper, child minder and receptionist

OP posts:
HollyBuckets · 21/08/2017 20:51

You do need to think about the demand you're making that a father put his partner before his daughter. That doesn't sound great, OP. Maybe that needs some quiet calm discussion? You're important, but you're the grown up here, the DD is a child (I'm assuming).

And re your best friend. You have the power to say "No." You have control over your own actions.

Don't be like the dickhead men that I keep reading & hearing about who somehow don't quite know how an infidelity happens. As if their penis just fell into another woman's vagina. You don't need to be that sort of person. You're better than that.

ChickenBhuna · 21/08/2017 20:52

Have you told your partner this?

peachgreen · 21/08/2017 20:58

Firstly, stop trying to have a baby with your partner when you're on the brink of an affair (and probably already having an emotional affair) with someone else.

Secondly, decide if you want to be with your partner - in which case you need to stop seeing your friend - or not - in which case you need to leave.

Simple as that.

Oh, and he should put his daughter's needs above yours. That's parenting.

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 21/08/2017 21:01

HollyBuckets I never ask my partner to put me before his daughter but he needs to realize that "moms and dads" need to spend time together too. Even when his daughter is with her mother he has a hard time going out and doing anything in case his daughter finds out and gets "angry".

Children need to know that adults also need time together if they are going to make their relationship work. Perfect example of this is we were all at the park yesterday and because he wasn't giving her his 100 percent attention she took off and hid and it took us almost 20 minutes to find her...

ChickenBhuna, he knows I'm frustrated by our present situation.

OP posts:
ScarletForYa · 21/08/2017 21:02

he put his daughters needs above mine

Well, that's as it should be OP. Is there more back story?

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 21/08/2017 21:05

yes that wasn't worded correctly. By needs i meant she was playing with her cousin and wouldn't tell her it was time to go after the playdate lasted over four hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellie1025 · 21/08/2017 21:07

And i also didn't mention that we had made dinner plans with friends and their children that we didn't make it to because he wouldn't end the play date.

OP posts:
HollyBuckets · 21/08/2017 21:26

If there is investigation for infertility for you two as a couple, and there are issues around time & access with his DD, I can see how he must be feeling pushed from pillar to post. Perhaps you need to be a bit patient? It sounds like you're both under a lot of pressure, and haven't quite found your groove as a team.

Is it worth probing with him what sounds like panic & anxiety about his role in his DD's life?

wherearemymarbles · 21/08/2017 21:37

I dont think getting pregnant is going to help much with a high stress custody battle.

Quite the opposite - like people in a crap relationship thinking a baby will bring them together....... Confused

I think you need to step back and gain some perspective

SandyY2K · 21/08/2017 21:56

Perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you. I mean, you aren't happy with his parenting and he's also going through a stressful time.... Is your friend/Ex single?

This could be a clear indication and sign that you parent differently and should not be TTC.

magoria · 21/08/2017 22:06

How old is his DD?

He is going through a nasty custody battle for her. His DD needs him at this time far more than you do.

He should be putting her first.

If you can't handle that then perhaps you should leave especially as there is another man in your relationship who you think of much more highly than your P.

Voice0fReason · 21/08/2017 22:10

This is not the right time and possibly not even the right relationship to be TTC.

Peanutbuttercheese · 21/08/2017 22:19

He is no friend, I seperated from my DH just after Christmas. Had an offer of sex from my friend of ten years. He is also a friend to DH, I have seen him once since then when he visited when DH was there. It's nothing to do with me not being able to resist. I considered never ever speaking to him again but we went through a lot as friends. I made it very plain he was out of order.

Your friend is a chancer but you seem to not mind. I think your relationship is over if you don't work at it properly. I am back with my DH after many painful discussions about our issues.

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 22/08/2017 13:50

Wow, i thought people here were understanding. Turns out most of you are down right nasty. Not happy with his "parenting"... You actually have to act like a parent before you can actually call it "parenting.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 22/08/2017 14:24

You actually have to act like a parent before you can actually call it "parenting.

Why are you trying to have a child with a man you a) are thinking of cheating on and b) don't think is a good parent?

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 14:30

Who is being nasty OP, don't post on a public internet forum if you only want to read what you'd like to hear rather than genuine opinions that folk have taken time to answer you.

Your partner is going through a bitter custody battle, you are arguing about his daughter regularly and you think trying for a baby is a good idea; it's you who is lacking understanding, not anyone trying to advise you.

As for the so called best friend, he's trying his luck, an opportunity for an easy shag; tempted? You can't possibly love your partner then and it sounds like the relationship is crap anyway.

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 22/08/2017 14:48

I never said I was going to cheat. I came right home and told my partner. I think that shows I have no intent on cheating.

I too have been through a custody battle but you still have to "parent" your child while going through such things to make sure they come out ok on the other side. Perfect example of this is on the weekend we took her to the park to play with other children cause she doesn't get to do that while in her mothers care and because we were sitting chatting with other parents while the children played, his child took off and slide in the closed in slide for 20 minutes while everyone looked for her and when she finally came out of hiding he did and or said NOTHING. After hugging her and making sure she was okay, she would have been grounded if she was my child. It scares me to think into the future and see what kind of adult she is going to become.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/08/2017 14:51

So why try for a baby with a man that you have little respect for due to his shit parenting?

You will always be second best anyway, no matter how bad a parent he is he will always put her first so that redeems him in my eyes actually; he clearly loves her, you will always feel resentful, never mind the rest; you should maybe see this as your opportunity to get out now because it won't get better, it will in fact get worse.

TheNaze73 · 22/08/2017 14:52

You don't sound particularly keen on his daughter.

Why are you rushing in, so quickly into having a baby with this man?

peachgreen · 22/08/2017 14:52

what happens if I don't have the same will power next time.

Sorry, but that doesn't sound like someone who has no intention of cheating to me... Your relationship with this friend appears to be inappropriately close and if you're serious about your DP I would recommend that you cut contact.

But again: why are you trying for a baby with someone you think is a bad parent?

Original poster
Mellie1025 · 22/08/2017 15:14

he's scared of his ex partner and won't parent in case she turns it around on him. She makes up stories based on what works for her.

OP posts: