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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i dont know how to respond to this behavour

41 replies

purplerain38 · 21/08/2017 17:29

Hello. Please i would like advice how i can respond to DP behavior. Every time i have an issue, from the smallest to the most serious , he somehow make it all about himself. I have never seen anything like it . We are supposed to move in together soon but i have the feeling that i am gonna be doing a huge mistake. I dont even understand how he does it. It starts with me having something to talk to him about and it turns how hurt HE is. Or starts with me having the x problem, example i did not like something he said and somehow he turns it as if he has the same problem . Since i realized that he does that, i pay more attention and i noticed he will even repeat my words , for example i will say you are quite angry perhaps take few minutes to calm down and he will repeat the same words to me as if i am the one who is angry Confused. Or on other occasion he will say something along the lines, that if only i treat him nice and with affection he can be nicer . I dont treat him bad at all, the opposite. Its exhausting and messing my mind . i dont even know if he realizes what he does , when i point it out he says that i talk nonsense

OP posts:
LinManWellWellWell · 21/08/2017 17:31

Well done for spotting it! Don't move on!!

LinManWellWellWell · 21/08/2017 17:31

Sorry, don't move IN!!

zippydoodaar · 21/08/2017 17:34

Ooh dear, trust your instinct. Don't move in with him! NEXT!

KeyChange · 21/08/2017 17:35

Trust your instincts.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 21/08/2017 17:36

I think it is also very concerning that he tells you you are talking nonsense

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2017 17:38

Do not move in with this man under any circumstances. This is your life with him going forward and your relationship with him now should be at an end. He is an abusive individual who is not above trying to gaslight you either; such individuals do mess with their target's mind.

Men like this can and do take time to recover from and I would suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this could help you as well.

Donttouchthethings · 21/08/2017 17:41

DON'T move in with this man.
End it now.
There are other, much nicer, more loving men out there for you.

GlitterGlue · 21/08/2017 17:44

Dump him. If he's like this in the early stages of your relationship it'll only get worse.

cushioncovers · 21/08/2017 17:49

Trust your instincts

Original poster
purplerain38 · 21/08/2017 17:52

Thank you for the quick responses Flowers. Do you think he realizes what he does?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 21/08/2017 17:54

Yes I'm sure he does.

Doesn't change the wise decision though!

BitOfANameChange · 21/08/2017 17:57

OP, I can relate to some of this behaviour. I'm 30 years on from you, and believe me, it doesn't get better.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/08/2017 18:05

He wants you to shut up. He wants superiority over you.
Yes, he knows exactly what he is doing. He has set it up so that he can kick off at will and saddle you with blame for "making him do that". He will take no responsibility for his actions, similar to 5 year old.

Don't move in. Your gut instinct is 100% right. There are associated questions, such as why spend even five more minutes with him?

JK1773 · 21/08/2017 18:08

I agree with others. I've been through this. I'm 2 years out of it now. He tried to convince me and others that I was going mad. It gets no better, in fact it gets worse and worse. Don't move in

SandyY2K · 21/08/2017 18:10

Dating is the time to assess suitability of your partner. It doesn't seem like he's passed the test.

Don't move in until these behaviour change. If they don't change, you know what to do. No need to move in after you've seen the warning signs.

upaladderagain · 21/08/2017 18:11

Don't move in move on.

user1499333856 · 21/08/2017 18:27

Not many times you see a unanimous thread on MN.

Don't do it! You'll regret it!

AlternativeTentacle · 21/08/2017 18:31

Don't try and work out if he knows or not, that way madness lies. Not your job to diagnose him.

Just make sure you extricate yourself from him pronto.

Hermonie2016 · 21/08/2017 18:32

Well done for noticing it, shows you have good boundaries.

Why does he do it? What is the pay off for him?
Simply he never has to address his behaviour or respond to your needs.

It's highly effective.

sunshiney78 · 21/08/2017 18:53

Wish I was as clever as you 7 years ago, wouldn't be getting a divorce now. Typical gaslighting.

Tearsoffrustration · 21/08/2017 18:55

My ex was like this too 😕

Rubyrose26 · 21/08/2017 19:33

My recent ex would do this! It ended up with him punching me, spitting in my face and trashing my house! It is control! Do not move in with him! He doesn't respect your feelings & think he's more important. Get rid!

Original poster
purplerain38 · 21/08/2017 19:59

Thank you for the replies. It helps me to see that is not just me that believes that this is wrong . He always presents himself as the victim and its been going on for so long that there are times that i wonder if its me the problem and not him. But he has done and said many wrong things to me, i should finally wake up and sort my life i just feel so weak.

OP posts:
Rubyrose26 · 21/08/2017 20:34

Purplerain38 it's taken me 3 years to wake up and leave! I only dumped my ex on Friday and I feel relieved for most part but then I feel sad! It's for the best! You deserve a man who listens to you when you're upset and will do anything to resolve things! Not some idiot sitting there saying I don't actually care how you feel, you've upset me by being upset!! Ridiculous!

zippydoodaar · 21/08/2017 20:41

That's not a normal relationship.

Cut your losses. This relationship will get worse, I can put money on it.