i dont know how to respond to this behavour

[purplerain38]

Hello. Please i would like advice how i can respond to DP behavior. Every time i have an issue, from the smallest to the most serious , he somehow make it all about himself. I have never seen anything like it . We are supposed to move in together soon but i have the feeling that i am gonna be doing a huge mistake. I dont even understand how he does it. It starts with me having something to talk to him about and it turns how hurt HE is. Or starts with me having the x problem, example i did not like something he said and somehow he turns it as if he has the same problem . Since i realized that he does that, i pay more attention and i noticed he will even repeat my words , for example i will say you are quite angry perhaps take few minutes to calm down and he will repeat the same words to me as if i am the one who is angry . Or on other occasion he will say something along the lines, that if only i treat him nice and with affection he can be nicer . I dont treat him bad at all, the opposite. Its exhausting and messing my mind . i dont even know if he realizes what he does , when i point it out he says that i talk nonsense

He probably won't admit what he does. Read 'Why does he do that'. I think you'll recognise alot of his behaviours in the book.

Hi OP, firstly well done for recognising the pattern of behaviour and what he does. He does this deliberately, to assert control, feel superior... This behaviour will escalate if allowed to continue - DO NOT MOVE IN! Only HE can change this behaviour BUT he must want to change the behaviour, he must recognise that the behaviour is wrong because it's detrimental to someone he cares about, in other words - empathy. If he says he'll change "for you, but I don't think I'm wrong" etc then it's false. But good luck 🍀

I have a thread on relationships, this was one of the very first things I noticed about my ex. He was nice in general at the time so I ignored it.

I can't stress this enough, do not move in with him.

if only i treat him nice and with affection he can be nicer

please do not move in with this man! Next thing you will hear is that he had to scream at you/push you/hit you because you made him angry and it's all your fault

Have you talkwd to him about it? I have debilitating periodoc depression and when I'm in bed weeping often well meaning folks try to say they feel down too. They just don't know what to say! But if this is more than that then, yeah, it can be a silencing tactic - work out what it is and if its malicious then leave, leave, leave.

Actually, I just re-read about the 'nonsense' part... fuck him off, he's horrible.

You might think you feel weak now but imagine how weak you'll feel after a few years of living with this shit, day in day out. Seriously, take a deep breath and rip that plaster off. You'll be OK.

Yeah life is too short to have someone guilt tripping you about your own problems, the victim card will be played to death when you dump him, but the other posters here talk sense, be strong, you can have a better life!

Life's too short. Move on.

Voice record next time and play it back to him ?

The longer you stay the weaker you will become and the harder it will be to leave him. Do it now.

You know what to do - hard as that may be.
Gaslighting is abuse.
Narcissists are abusive.
Dump his sorry ass and move on.

I had one of these. I minimised it, decided I was overreacting, he's a good man really, all in my head, moved in to try and make the best of things, take a chance, blah blah.

I lost 10 years to the cunt

I was a shell of a person by the time I finally broke free. My mental health has never recovered. For gods sake, run!

Or on other occasion he will say something along the lines, that if only i treat him nice and with affection he can be nicer

This is how it starts. He keeps telling you that you need to be nicer, better, thinner, smarter, keep the house cleaner, keep the children quieter, cook better meals...

You already know, OP, in your heart of hearts, that he's not going to see the error of his ways. Leave him and live happily.

Sorry to comment and run. But this sounds like it might be classic passive-aggressive syndrome - look it up. It certainly sounds infuriating, do you want to spend significant time trying to mend or deal with this?