Slight red flag??

[DianaMitford]

My lovely sister is in a new relationship after years of being single. However she's now told me that he hadn't wanted her to tell me about him because he "likes the relationship being secret". All my spidey senses were tingling when she told me but is this me overreacting??

Massive red flag never mind slight.

When I met DH I was so thrilled to have met someone lovely I'd have taken out an advert in the Times if I could. Nobody keeps relationships secret unless they're already in a relationship (with perhaps the exception of working together). He's either married or in a relationship. Either way you should probably get ready to catch your sister when she falls.

Red flag with flashing red LEDs

Red flag the size of a football field. Your sister has blinders on.

I also back up the story that he's probably not single!

I was very unwittingly the OW once and ex used to call me regularly and spend lots of time messaging back and forth. He always used to come to my house, once I went to his. I assume that all of this happened when his wife was out/away/working?

I only found out when she confronted me at my work place. I genuinely had no idea or suspicions before that. I was quite young and not very invested in the relationship so I suppose maybe I wasn't on high alert for red flags.

Yep more red flags than village fete bunting 🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻🔻

in the remote chance he is actually single and living with his parents, he would be keeping her a secret because he knows parents won't approve. Or his friends won't approve and he cares disproportionally too much about the opinion of his mates.

Not really great signs either that this relationship will be a success.

My money is still on married

I was also an unwitting OW once too and he came and went as he pleased, rang me and answered the phone at all hours and definitely seemed single, BUT I never went to his house much and when I think about it now there were signs of his shiftiness. I would suggest your sisters boyfriend is also married.

Red flag - either weird to the point of being unhinged or married. The latter most likely.

Thank you all. There's nothing I can do because she isn't interested in listening to it.

Can you do a background check on the guy? They aren't that expensive, and all you would have to do is give her the report of it reveals anything.

Assume she /her have snooped his fb?

I don't know his full name or I would be checking him out. I know where he lives though so I might do a random fb search. Ooooh he might be on my sister's fb

Tell her to watch out for him not taking calls when people phone him. Any stories about weird ex partners who wrongly suspected him of being married (not like her!). Acting nervous in certain places (afraid of being seen - might be explained away with some story though). Does she get to meet his friends, and if she does, do they talk to her normally or seem uncomfortable? How does he react if she mentions the idea of just dropping by at his place without warning? Does he pay cash or card?

If he's serious about it, he's probably either not on FB, "doesn't really use it" or doesn't want to add her for some lovely considerate gentlemanly reason. :)

OP do you know how old this guy is? i

Found him! They are friends on fb. Good sign, no??? Although his profile says he lives in a town about an hour away and not where he told her he lives. But she'll have seen that too?

Early 30s I believe

How did she sound to you when she told you that "he likes the relationship being secret". What was her body language like?. Did her tone of voice indicate puzzlement for instance?.

It sounds like your sister is indeed being played here but unfortunately and as you have said, she does not want to hear anything to the contrary. She will dismiss FB and any reports, she will need to see evidence of any duplicity on his part with her own eyes. Then she cannot deny it.

It could all come crashing down around her ears soon enough.

Is it possible for you to meet this man in person?.

Google his name!

married ...or a coercive abuser...

either way huge red flag with neon lights

in fact i'd more worried about his reaction to her telling her sister and he didnt like that...than him being married

I was the OW and while we sorted out our relationship/separated from spouses etc we both introduced each other to very close friends/siblings who knew and were supporting us .

So i think more coercive abuser....

Hasn't updated his profile on FB as he doesn't really use it ...

He could really just be a bit weird, of course.

Does your sister have kids?

Early 30s, so he may not be married.. but who knows!

Voice of reason here. I split up from my ex 7 months ago. Long term relationship, difficult split due to emotional abuse etc. I have been seeing someone for a few months. I like him a lot, and its mutual. But I have asked we keep it quiet for a while until the house sale goes through. things with my ex are fairly calm at the moment and I want it to stay that way. i only want to tell him when I feel ready.

i am not married, I am not a criminal, it isn't a red flag. Its my life.

And do you know what, its actually really nice to not have any outside judgement, and we are in our own lovely bubble.

Yes pudding, but your boyfriend knows all that, yes?
You didn't just say let's stay a secret - but at the same time telling your family.

Even if he's "innocent" he sounds like a cock.