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Original poster

Giving marriage another chance after DH left for another woman

62 replies

user1499489024 · 20/08/2017 20:00

My husband left 8 months ago to be with someone else he had been talking to online for months. She lives like 300 miles away. We were together 10yrs & have 4 kids.
The relationship barely lasted 2 weeks after he moved there.
He now tells me he still loves me & has made the biggest mistake of his life & wants me to agree to try again.
I'm completely torn...I don't want him to think it's ok that he does that to me & his children then can just come back when he realises the grass isn't greener. I'm afraid to let him back in and feel vulnerable to it happening again.
On the other hand, I want to know I've explored every avenue before accepting my marriage is totally over and I want my kids to have him around & see him daily. I miss that family unit and as much as I hate to admit it to myself I miss him. I can't just fall out of love with him (even tho I could of killed him over all this time).
We have been getting on fine, actually better than fine. I've told him I can't make a decision like that yet and I need to figure out what I want. Right now I'm not sure what I want or what makes me happy.
Has anyone ever had a successful relationship after a break like this?

OP posts:
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/08/2017 23:12

I couldn't do it, I'd never be able to trust again. I think when it does work, it has to be almost a new relationship, i.e. starting from scratch dating, building trust, taking things slowly. It can't just be him moving back in and pretending like nothing ever happened.

If you do decide to give it a go, there can't be any restrictions on you being upset about it. He can't ban you from bringing it up because you "should be over it by now" - he'll need to accept that even with a fresh start, it will always be there in the back of your mind and he'll have to be utterly transparent about anything and everything.

But do have a long hard think about what it is you really miss about him. He isn't the person you thought he was, he is someone who chose to move 300 miles away from his wife of 10 years and his kids to follow his dick. Says a lot about a person. Yes, it has left a huge hole in your life, but you can rebuild that without him.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/08/2017 23:12

I couldn't do it, I'd never be able to trust again. I think when it does work, it has to be almost a new relationship, i.e. starting from scratch dating, building trust, taking things slowly. It can't just be him moving back in and pretending like nothing ever happened.

If you do decide to give it a go, there can't be any restrictions on you being upset about it. He can't ban you from bringing it up because you "should be over it by now" - he'll need to accept that even with a fresh start, it will always be there in the back of your mind and he'll have to be utterly transparent about anything and everything.

But do have a long hard think about what it is you really miss about him. He isn't the person you thought he was, he is someone who chose to move 300 miles away from his wife of 10 years and his kids to follow his dick. Says a lot about a person. Yes, it has left a huge hole in your life, but you can rebuild that without him.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 20/08/2017 23:13

sorry, laptop playing up!

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 23:48

Okay, couples have recovered from this and even worse, however it depends on a number of things.

I feel it's risky to take him back and you should look at protecting you and the DC financially if you do so.

Consider the following too:

He left you and 4 children for an online relationship.

He moved so far away and didn't care about not seeing his DC regularly.

You have a man who doesn't 'have your back' and isn't a safe partner to trust with your heart.

Can you trust that this won't happen again, if you don't know what caused it?

What has he done besides begging to let you know he's serious and remorseful?

Did the DC know he left for an OW?

How will they feel about a reconciliation?

How will your family feel? Will they accept him after this?

If you do take him back, with no consequences, stipulations and conditions, you send the message that this is not a deal breaker for you.

The heart is a precious thing.... Don't let him break yours again.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 23:50

You might want to check out www.survivinginfidelity.com

Lots of seasoned betrayed spouses who take no nonsense and will be additional support.

Heebejeebees · 20/08/2017 23:54

Personally after trying to make it work with someone who had an affair, it didn't work, it couldn't work, but I tried my best. Trust was gone which leads to multiple issues...
Do what you need to, to know you've done your best, that's what I did. Good luck!

user1497991628 · 20/08/2017 23:58

Don't do it. Harden your heart, get a lawyer and get shot now.

From one eighteen months down the "reconciliation" aisle.... 🙄

Viviennemary · 20/08/2017 23:58

If you aren't sure then don't make a decision yet. You would be entirely justified in ending the relationship after his behaviour. But if you want to try again and think it would be best for you and your family that you do try again then you should. Hope things work out.

MsGameandWatching · 21/08/2017 00:00

I think this is a natural stage for some foolish men that leave their families and behave in such a ludicrous way. I don't think it's genuine; the wanting to come back, it is panic and flailing and just part of the process and I think it just extends everyone's misery to Try Again.

Alfiemoon1 · 21/08/2017 00:04

What were his reasons excuses for forming an online relationship in the first place ? Have these been resolved? If not then he will come back as he's been dumped and still be looking elsewhere
If u really want to try and move past this take it slow try dating again before u make any decision

twattymctwatterson · 21/08/2017 00:08

He only wants to come back because the other thing didn't work

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 21/08/2017 00:14

Well, nobody can tell you what's best for you, your kids and your marriage. You have to go with your own instinct so feel free to ignore me and every other armchair counsellor you'll encounter here.

But to answer your actual question, yes. I have forgiven infidelity and never regretted it. Admittedly the situation was very different from what has happened to you (we weren't married, no kids and he owned up straight away instead of actually leaving.)

A closer comparison would be what happened to someone very close to me. Her DH left when their DC was very young and shacked up with an OW. After a year he came crawling back. She made him grovel for about 6 months, wouldn't let him in the house let alone touch her, and eventually decided to give him another chance. 6 years later they are still together, have had more DCs and he is putty in her hands and wouldn't have it any other way. She has no doubt that he will happily spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to her, he's so grateful to be forgiven. Their relationship is very different from before they split but they are happy now.

It can work, but only you should decide if it can work for you.

thegirlupnorth · 21/08/2017 00:27

Nope. It won't work. Don't be a fool. He's a twat. Once a twat. Always a twat.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2017 04:44

He dumps you AND your children for some piece of ass he meets online, it blows up in his face, and NOW he wants to come back. Gee, I wonder why? The other woman grew bored with him in 2 weeks and he's been left to struggle in his own, but that's no fun, is it? Why live alone when the wife he betrayed might take him back and take care of him!

Do you really want to be his doormat he wipes his feet on when life doesn't go his way?

HadronCollider · 21/08/2017 05:46

The thing that would be the deal breaker for me, would be the fact that he met this woman online and on the basis of such a flimsy attachment was prepared to up sticks, move 300 miles away, and desert his 4 children and his wife of 10 years. Who does that? How unappreciative do you have to be? How disrespectful? And this is not for someone who was at the time a flesh and blood person. One could have some sympathy if it was a woman at work, or a friend, someone tangible, a real temptation so to speak, no but it was some shallow relationship based on a broadband connection.

If he could be prepared to go that far for so little, to give up so much for a relationship so shallow, well why wouldn't he do it again? And could you ever trust that when he's on the computer, he wouldn't be trying to hook up with other women?

I think even if I wanted him back, I'd have to refuse on principle.

Having said that, I can understand completely that being a Single mum of four isn't necessarily a great prospect and you might want him back for security and help raising the children. Especially as they are young. Relationships are built on less.

It's your call. If you take him back, take it slllloooowwwwllllyyy. Do NOT sleep with him and have reconcilliation sex. Make him earn it.

I wish you all the best luck.Flowers

123MothergotafleA · 21/08/2017 06:20

You sound like you're grateful to him for his attentions. Sorry, you need to get some self esteem. Nothing can be worse than the humiliation he has caused you already.
Jettison it with the trash.

Itsseweasy · 21/08/2017 06:43

My close friend was in your exact position. She took him back and he had a comfortable safe home & relationship which allowed him time to find another willing participant. Within a year he had left again. Please don't let this be you Flowers

ToastedWaffles · 21/08/2017 18:56

It's very easy for other people to tell you to get rid. You can only do what feels right for you at any time. I took my DH back, we're working on things. It's not perfect but I believe in marriage and like you I want to know I've given us the best chance. For me though, I'm not scared of him doing it again. The experience taught me how great my friends and family are. I coped with it better than I thought I would and some parts of being on my own were great. If he does it again that's it, I'm straight to the divorce court but I'm not afraid of that. If that's the way it goes, so be it!

chips4teaplease · 21/08/2017 18:59

My ex asked to come back after a few weeks away and I refused to have him. It seemed to me that if we got back together we would both be 'on hold' until someone better came along. So he stayed with his OW until the next one turned up.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 21/08/2017 19:42

Well said, Chips. It's similar for the couple I mentioned earlier. She says in many ways things are better than they were before. He is more attentive and thoughtful, can't do enough for her and she is happy to make the most of that. He did destroy her trust in him when he left - that's unavoidable and it could take a lifetime for her to fully trust him again but that isn't really an issue for them. She's made her peace with the fact that nothing is ever guaranteed to be permanent. But she does now have full and unswerving faith in herself. She knows for certain that she can not only manage alone, but thrive.
The whole experience has made both of them better people. Their relationship is very different from what it was, but it's strong. Loss of trust does not automatically equal disaster...but I know not everyone manages to ride it out. It's up to you to decide if you have the strength and the will to make a lousy situation work in your favour.

It would probably be easier to just let him go.

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt · 21/08/2017 19:47

Sorry - I meant waffles, not chips.

Hopefully my confusion is understandable in this case...

chips4teaplease · 21/08/2017 20:17

I meant waffles, not chips.
food!

Isetan · 21/08/2017 20:19

It's totally your call but a man who moves 300 miles away to follow his dick and leave his children behind, is a man I couldn't disguise my disgust for.

MatildaTheCat · 21/08/2017 21:20

I personally couldn't but in answer to your question, a friend of mine did. Her dh left for another woman for some months and then did eventually realise what a huge mistake he'd made and she took him back. That was twenty tears ago and they are one of the happiest couples I know.

I would absolutely insist on couples counselling in your position and would expect a massive amount of contrition and understanding of your feelings and ability to forgive or forget ( you don't have to do either).

rosabug · 23/08/2017 23:12

The thing that kills me - he left 4 children? for someone he hardly knew? He's either very inexperienced at life, terribly stupid or utterly callow. either way I would tread very carefully. Keep him at bay and if you think you want him back make him work for it.

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