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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My best friend is cheating on her husband

43 replies

Feelingshitty · 20/08/2017 11:20

This week my best friend has confessed to me that she's fallen for a man and is having an affair, I can't believe it! She's been with her husband since she was v young and they've always had the "perfect" relationship from the outside. They've got a lovely home and beautiful kids. I'm very good mates with her husband and I'm devastated for him. I've told her I think she should end it asap but she won't. She's put me in an incredibly difficult situation here, god knows how I'll cope when I see her husband next! Guess I'm just after a bit of a handhold really Sad

OP posts:
fessmess · 20/08/2017 11:21

That's shit. Poor you.

sureitsgrand · 20/08/2017 11:39

It's shit. I'm in the same position except the guy who my best friend has feelings for (it's not a full on affair ...yet) is going out with and living with another close friend. I sympathise because if you say anything you blow people's whole worlds apart. If you keep quiet you feel like you are colluding!

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 11:51

She's put you in a horrible situation. It's selfish enough to have an affair with but now she's been selfish to put you in this predicament. I think people loose their minds a bit when they do this kind of thing.

Why doesn't she end her marriage if she's fallen for the OM?

How will her DH feel if he finds out you knew?

Original poster
Feelingshitty · 20/08/2017 12:18

I don't know why she doesn't end her marriage. Her DH would be devastated, and probably would never speak to me again if he found out I knew Sad

OP posts:
Rossy10 · 20/08/2017 12:19

I would tell her how you feel about the situation and be a loyal friend and keep the secret as 'the messenger always gets shot' you can't risk repeating something like that especially with kids involved

Whisky2014 · 20/08/2017 12:23

If i were you I'd tell her you can't see her or offer advice as a friend would because you don't approve and until it stops all contact with her ceases. Bet the husband would start wondering why!

Original poster
Feelingshitty · 20/08/2017 12:27

I'm definitely not going to tell him. But yeah I think I'll have to cut contact with her for a while Sad

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 12:37

Cutting contact is a good idea.
I've cut contact with a friend having an affair.

It's not so much the affair, but she introfuced her OM to another (single) friend of mine, under the disguise of setting them up (in front of her DH). I try not to judge, but that's just wicked.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 12:39

I would cut contact toom she has made you part of this. Ahe had no right to so that.

By carrying on seeing her and her husband you are almost condoning it.

I couldnt be friends with her anymore.

jeaux90 · 20/08/2017 12:46

This is your best friend.

Are you really prepared to turn your back on her at a time when clearly she has lost the plot and needs your guidance?

I couldn't do that.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 12:53

jeaux yes her best friend who put her in an awful position and gave her a moral dilemma.

Did this woman think of OP when she confessed to her? Or just act selfishly, like she is doinf with the affair.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 20/08/2017 13:03

If her reaction to you advising her to end it was to say no, then a) she only told you in the hope you'd condone the affair and b) you can't talk sense into her right now so for your sake steer clear and don't get dragged any deeper into it. I was in your place a few years ago and it was horrendous burdening my friend's secret. I couldn't face her husband and when the affair was finally exposed (as these things usually do) and he asked if I'd known all along I felt forced to lie and say I suspected, but didn't know for sure. I hated being put in that position. Don't put yourself in it.

MatildaTheCat · 20/08/2017 13:09

I would be absolutely clear that I wasn't happy about the affair and that under no circumstances could she use me as an alibi. I would then be very busy until she has either seen sense and finished it or got caught. If her dh finds out you can show him text evidence that you tried to stop her.

Rossy10 · 20/08/2017 13:10

I agree - she obviously trusts you as a friend to tell you this so I don't think you should turn your back on her now - I don't think it's right to judge her as you have no idea what's going on behind closed doors people can put on a front to everyone else and play happy families and grow apart as heart breaking it may be .. I think your advice to her needs to be end her affair and work on the marriage or leave altogether. At the end of the day your job as a friend is to be there for her

Violetcharlotte · 20/08/2017 13:13

Been through this with my best friend. Just accept your friend has her reasons for doing what she's doing (even if you don't agree with these reasons). None of us really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. Try and stay out of it as much as you can. Don't judge her, but don't encourage her by asking for juicy gossip. And be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes tits up.

JellyBean31 · 20/08/2017 13:13

I have been in this situation too, my friend was someone I worked with so couldn't really cut contact but, I didn't really know her DH that well. I knew she wasn't happy in her marriage but made it clear I didn't approve of her having an affair rather than leaving. I told her never to use me as her cover story because if I was asked I'd tell the truth. But I was there for her when it went tits up as these things always do.

jeaux90 · 20/08/2017 13:27

No Gorgos she didn't but she clearly needs her best friend right now.

Affairs are never black and white. (I say this as someone who has been cheated on)

I would always be there for my best friend despite the circumstances. My job is to support her not judge her and turn my back.

And if this marriage breaks up sides will be picked. So if the OP wants to come out of this squeaky clean then fine, cut her off, if she is loyal and values her friend longer term she should support her. (No to giving her cover or condoning it)

HadronCollider · 20/08/2017 13:47

How awful OP. What a horrible situation to be in. Can I ask, is she prepared to lose her marriage? Does she want to move in with the OM? Ask her what she wants, then tell her to think. Think about what will happen if and when it all comes out. Be a friend by constantly trying to get her to think.

MyheartbelongstoG · 20/08/2017 14:42

Your friend is a cunt op.

Whatever happens now its unlikely that your friendship with her husband will survive. If you tell him, he may end the friendship, if not, likewise.

Be decent and tell him. Wouldn't you want to know that someone not worth pissing on was making a fool of you.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 14:58

No Gorgos she didn't but she clearly needs her best friend right now.

Oh bless her. She is fucking cheating. What do you mean 'clearly needs her best friend'?

Perhaps she is just like lots of cheaters. Acting selfishly.

Why is there an assumption that when women cheat it must be that they having some sort of crisis or break down? So much sympathy for cheating women.

Men dont usually get these sort of allowances. The women is cheating and has no intention of stopping or leaving her dh.

She has now involved the Op. If she was any sort of friend she wouldnt have done that.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 15:01

if she is loyal and values her friend longer term she should support her. (No to giving her cover or condoning it)

I disagree with this as well. Op is obviously friends with the dh, as she is concerned he wont speak to her again.

If a friend is doing something selfish that will hurt another friend, why do you have to be obliged to support them?

The ops friend put her in a situation where the Op needs to take a side. There are consequences for actions.

jeaux90 · 20/08/2017 15:15

Gorgos you sound like you are projecting to me.

I have sympathy for men and women who get themselves in this situation because from experience it's not black and white.

I'd chose friendship over judgement any day of the week.

Gorgosparta · 20/08/2017 15:22

I am not projecting on anyone.

The ops friend has put her in a shit situation. If the Op walks away it does not make her disloyal. The friend putting herbin that position is shitty and not something friends would do to each other.

Being friends with someone does not oblige anyone to do anything, especially if it risks another friendship and causes problems for you.

Its not about judgement. Its about doing what you can live with. If the Op isnt happy about coluding on this, she doesnt have to.

Women are conditioned to be there for people, even if its to their own detriment. Which, imo, is wrong.

You are assuming the ops friend is having a crisis. Or just needs support. Naybe she is just being a selfish shit, which is why the Op wants to cut contact.

Also i woild be thinking if my friend can shit on her husband from a great height. She could do it to me. I would not feel comfortable having a friend i knew could do that and that i couldnt trust.

JaneEyre70 · 20/08/2017 15:27

My former BF put me in the same situation, only she was having an affair with another friends DH so it was even worse. She then thought I was her alibi, and dragged me into her mess. We live in a small village and when the shit hit the fan as it always does, people judged me for knowing and it wasn't very nice. Back right off, safest way.

Original poster
Feelingshitty · 20/08/2017 15:31

I'm not going to turn my back, I just can't face her husband right now. I've spoke to her and we're going to go for tea one night through the week. Hopefully I can make her see sense. And for the record, my friend is not a 'cunt'!!

OP posts: