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Relationships

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Original poster

My best friend is cheating on her husband

43 replies

Feelingshitty · 20/08/2017 11:20

This week my best friend has confessed to me that she's fallen for a man and is having an affair, I can't believe it! She's been with her husband since she was v young and they've always had the "perfect" relationship from the outside. They've got a lovely home and beautiful kids. I'm very good mates with her husband and I'm devastated for him. I've told her I think she should end it asap but she won't. She's put me in an incredibly difficult situation here, god knows how I'll cope when I see her husband next! Guess I'm just after a bit of a handhold really

OP posts:

Jeanvaljean27 · 20/08/2017 15:35

Husband's going to be awfully disappointed with you when he eventually discovers the deception and finds out you were privy to it....at the very least I'd draw a line at sharing common space with the two of them together and pretending all's well. That would be a charade too far.

tygr · 20/08/2017 16:37

Trouble with moral dilemmas is that some people do see them as black and white situations. Life is rarely that black and white.

No-one can advise you. Only you know how you feel and the personalities and circumstances of all the people involved.

I have been the child of a cheater and the child of the one cheated on, who stayed together and resolved their differences. I've also been the best friend of someone who fell in love with a married man and ended up marrying him. Not all the cliches and stereotypes are true.

People are quick to judge but ultimately we all have to make our own choices based on our own assessments of the situations we find ourselves in. Each situation is different.

mickyblueyes · 20/08/2017 18:22

I don't think you will make her change her mind OP. The excitement and adrenaline of an affair can be so powerful like a drug they can't kick.

If the mere fact that they could lose everything and break her DH heart isn't enough incentive then a chat with you won't make her come to her senses. She might say the right things but the affair is like a drug habit and she's an addiction.

Sorry op but you really are in a shit situation. I understand that she is your friend and you love her but she is being really selfish putting you in this position, and you may have to face up to the face that she isn't the person you think she is.

jeaux90 · 20/08/2017 18:44

Of course she isn't OP. You don't have to agree with what she is doing to still be her friend.

As she is going through this you will draw your lines with her on things you can and can't do.

Ultimately though if she decides to try work it out you might have to accept that you will always know what she has done. If she leaves her husband you will find it hard to be friends with both.

Good luck x

SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 18:45

Why is there an assumption that when women cheat it must be that they having some sort of crisis or break down? So much sympathy for cheating women.

Men don't usually get these sort of allowances.

Well observed.

I think I'd be telling her not to mention to anyone that I know about it.

The strange thing is that when it all gets exposed, the betrayed spouse will often forgive the cheater and reconcile..... But not the friend who knew about it and it causes a rift.

Especially where the betrayed spouse gives an ultimatum of it's the marriage or the friend who knew and said nothing.

It's different if you didn't know her DH.

ChickenBhuna · 20/08/2017 18:50

I've been in this situation op. Someone close to me was cheating on their partner and wanted to have girly chats about om. I knew their husband well.

Needless to say I was livid and cut contact with his person in the end as they repeatedly tried to engage me on the subject , expecting me to listen to how amazing this guy was.

Not your mess op. I'd step away as far as you can.

Winebomb · 20/08/2017 18:55

I would make it clear your not supportive of this and cut contact until she ends it or tells her DH herself.

It's not your responsibility to tell DH and you will probably not be thanked in the long run by either of them, just the same as you won't be thanked by the DH if he finds out you know and didn't do something..

Unless there is something your friend isn't telling you, like abuse, your friend needs to grow up and end her marriage if she is not happy.

It utterly selfish to cheat on her partner and it's utterly selfish to get you involuntary involved.

If she needs your advice over the situation, tell her she needs to come clean and make a decision. You will support her if she does the right thing. But not until she does.

Grooves · 20/08/2017 19:41

Who've you known the longest?

Barbaro · 20/08/2017 20:46

I would just tell her she has a week to tell her husband before I tell him. Wouldn't want to be the one keeping the secret and it wouldn't bother me to lose a friend like her. Not much of a friend if she is happy to hurt another friend.

Dona147 · 21/08/2017 02:47

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gottachangethename1 · 21/08/2017 20:39

I'm of the camp that says affairs are not always so black and white. I would not cut ties, but would make her aware that I wouldn't act as her alibi and don't want to talk about the affair out of respect to her husband. I totally disagree with those who advise telling her dh. Either way you won't be thanked for it and it will cause more harm than good.

Dadaist · 22/08/2017 06:49

As for your relationship with her DH? -the betrayal and hurt of an affair is probably compounded by the shame and humiliation of being the cuckhold in the eyes of others looking on. I think that is why it is hard to forgive those you are close if they know but said nothing. So yes - there is no easy way to be true to two people when one is being deceived. The less you know the better I guess?

Figgygal · 22/08/2017 06:54

She never should have told you totally unfair what is her plan? To carry on like a coward until she is caught out? Maybe subconsciously she wants you to be outraged and threaten to tell him so it forces her hand
I'd be very cross with her personally

Loopytiles · 22/08/2017 07:02

I wouldn't wish to remain close friends with someone with DC who cheated on their partner and put me in a difficult position of having to lie (by omission) to that partner or telling them.

Whatever the issues with their relationship, not an excuse for cheating. If she wishes to have other relationships she should end her current one.

CBCJournalistLady · 05/03/2018 17:07

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Myheartbelongsto · 05/03/2018 18:25

Very close friend of mine was shagging her neighbour. I told the husband and walked away from it all.

I wanted no part in that circus.

Masterbuilders · 05/03/2018 19:31

She isn’t your friend. This happened to me recently. I cut her off. Not a friend I want.

andrea11745 · 23/10/2019 04:30

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