Co-worker/ potential future manager slagged me off to my boyfriend at a work event. What do I do about him, and how do I feel about my boyfriend's response?

[Roseflowers]

I have been working for Company X for two years, and have moved up to a decent position where I am pretty well regarded professionally and (I think) generally well liked. My best friends in the city I live/ work in also work for company X. Due to corporate reshuffling, my current job is being moved to another site that I don't wish to work at, so in approx 2 months time I will be moving to another role in our office that is basically being created for me to keep me and my expertise/ knowledge within the company. So far, so good, right?

I currently work with a lot of other Teams headed by different team leaders. Currently these team leaders are adjacent to me rank wise, however when I move role the plan is for me to eventually work alongside/ beneath these team leaders, potentially becoming one myself. One of them (whom I will call F) currently feeds me/ my co-workers work on a regular basis that is terrible and will often try and get us in trouble for his failures and poor job knowledge. He is also often grossly unprofessional, and often sets a poor example to his team. When F started he thought I was fantastic as a person and clearly fancied me a fair bit (he stated this openly to me when drunk one night) as I am pretty outgoing and confident and am perfectly capable in terms of keeping up with the sometimes lewd 'lad banter' that goes on at the pub on a Friday night.

Last Friday was our work summer party. I left early but my boyfriend stayed out with our mates. At some point during that evening, F approached my boyfriend and started saying a lot of really unpleasant stuff about me, apparently ranting on for a good 20 mins. My boyfriend, shocked at this, started to record F on his phone and sort of prompted F to re-iterate some stuff he said so he could have evidence to show me what F was saying. In the five minute recording he gave me F said the following

• I am too much' and had to be the centre of attention all be time
• I was all tits and cunt (exact words) and paraded 'it' around

-I thought that everyone liked me but no one did, including people who I thought were my best friends at work -boyfriends housemate (who is/ was a good friend of mine) has particular issue with me -I shouldn't engage in laddish conversations and banter because 'a girl shouldn't act like that' -He thought my boyfriend 'should know' and he felt sorry for him because 'You're nice to her, because you're a nice guy, but you need to know', basically seemingly painting me as some slapper who no one likes who he thinks my boyfriend could do without. I should point out that F is also bisexual and my boyfriend feels F has tried flirting with him in the past.

Boyfriend is very concerned, based on the things F said and the vitriol with which he said them that this guy is going to be anywhere near a position of power over me in the future. I am obviously also concerned. To be honest, I'm also kind of hurt that boyfriend didn't seem to try and defend me at any point. He did go into evidence gathering mode to try and help me out I guess, but I feel like F may see boyfriend's muted response as a tacit approval to continue speaking about me like that in future (at office events no less!) and will be empowered by it. Am I right to be a little hurt and weirded out that boyfriend didn't defend me in any way? I also don't know where to go with this professionally and how to navigate this idiot in the workplace in future. Is this a case for HR, or do I keep quiet to avoid conflict in the workplace knowing someone who could be managing me holds me in such dislike and is brazen enough to trash talk me to my own partner?? I'm going to have to work closely with this person in the future, unless I just don't accept the move and instead go find a new job. What would you do, wise ladies of mumsnet?

tl;dr Boyfriend recorded someone who may be in a position of power over me at work in the near future ranting about how generally awful I am as a person. This happened at a work social event. Do I do anything about this professionally?

One of them (whom I will call F) currently feeds me/ my co-workers work on a regular basis that is terrible and will often try and get us in trouble for his failures and poor job knowledge. He is also often grossly unprofessional, and often sets a poor example to his team. When F started he thought I was fantastic as a person and clearly fancied me a fair bit (he stated this openly to me when drunk one night)

Even without hearing the recording, why would you ever want to be this man's subordinate? Either deal with your grievances formally or find a less toxic workplace.

I'm not 100% sure if I will be as my future role is still being nailed down. I will definitely be working very closely with him (amongst others) and could possibly be a 'junior' version of his role which would involve mw doing work for him. I am concerned that if I do take this further professionally it will affect my future role/ future work environment (I'm pretty sure he wouldn't get sacked over this so we're still going to have to work together)

Clearly, F is a total viper in the grass. As your for boyfriend, I really think you need to cut him some slack. First of all, he was undoubtedly shocked to hear F go off like this. Secondly, your boyfriend was at your work event, and him kicking off with F really wouldn't have helped anything. I think your boyfriend being able to keep his mouth shut and not punch the guy in the throat shows maturity and amazing self-control. He was probably concerned about your career and causing a huge scene at your work event. Don't be upset with your boyfriend. He was in an impossible situation. You should be happy that he had the presence of mind to record F going off for you. I'm really sorry this happened. It's awful.

Firstly, I wonder if your boyfriend held back on defending you for the reason that this guy was already vitriolic, and he didn't know how it would end up playing for you if he started trying to be a white knight. You know the old saying - never wrestle with a pig... you'll get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.

Personally, I would quietly stash this information and use the knowledge to your advantage. You can safely ignore all the crap he said about your personality, which is obviously just bitterness because he's butthurt that you didn't fancy him. I would do some quiet digging to establish whether there's a genuine issue with your boyfriend's housemate (or your other mates) and work to resolve that if there is.

From a work perspective, it's time to stop being forgiving about his poor performance. If he hands you work that's inadequate, keep a record, as well as a record of how you resolved the problems with it. If he's unprofessional, record all the details of the interaction. Once you have reached an adequate volume of material, take your concerns to HR.

If your boyfriends muted response leads him to think that he can repeat his little performance, your BF can just cut him off when he starts up with a brusque, "Hey mate, I've had a good think about what you said, and I can see you had something to get off your chest last time, but to be honest, I don't agree with your take and I don't really want to hear about it again. She's my girlfriend."

Sounds to me like your BF let him go on only in order to record everything F said. If he had argued or defended you, then F may not have continued running his mouth, and your BF wanted to get it ALL. The fact he actually pulled out his phone and recorded, then promptly showed you the recording, tells me everything he did was for you, with you at the forefront of his mind.

IMO, I don't think you have anything to be upset anout regarding your BF. If I were you, I'd be quite pleased with him actually.

As far as F goes... Wow, what a piece of work. If there is any direct threat to your career (current or future) in this recording, maybe you could show your immediate supervisor, as a warning to keep an eye out for F trying to sabotage you. Or maybe you hold onto the recording, and IF anything comes up in tge future - he tries to do or say anything to ruin your job in any way - then reveal the recording to your superiors, to prove he has it out for you personally and therefore cannot be trusted.

Well. Your colleague is quite openly and clearly showing that he is totally afraid. It's not a surprise that he's also not competent and such a tirade also indicates he knows it and feels very vulnerable, and is already playing in to a 'dismiss me please' narrative. . People like this can be risky if others haven't notice, but chances are they have but also don't know how to deal with it. He's given you quite a lot of power over him. . Be very cautious and professional but note any bad behaviour. People not challenging him will be read by him as agreement, but it probably won't be. . He's a usual incompetent trying to hide it by projection. He should come a cropper as he fixes into his own destructive reality..

I would not be mad at your boyfriend at all.

This guy fancies you. He was trying to make your boyfriend dump you.
If you are working with him in the future, you will have to keep everything in writing and definitely avoid nights out with him! Ape.

Thank for the advice so far ladies, really appreciate it.

I suppose I am being a little harsh on my boyfriend, though I should add that this all happened a week ago on Friday and he has only mentioned this to me today( in quite an offhand way, initially). If it were me I would have called him immediately afterwards or had a private talk with him as soon as we saw each other next, however he didn't mention it when we spent the night together earlier on in the week. I suppose I'm freaking out that he potentially spent quite an lot of time mulling over what this guy said before telling me he had it in for me.

3luckystars I think this guy actually fancies my boyfriend, they are both bi (boyf only very tenuously so) and F did a fair bit of hinting on the recording about how he was bi and how boyfriend needed to 'find himself' and was too nice for me. (I'm not at all concerned that boyfriend is remotely interested in this sleaze though.

Right it all down, including the fact he's made a pass at you then go straight to HR on Monday morning. Does your company have a whistle blowing policy.
I wouldn't mention the recordings as I think it is not legal to record someone without their knowledge.

Sorry- write!

So first F fancied you, now F fancies your boyfriend ?

Your boyfriend couldn't react or defend you or he wouldn't have recorded all the evidence. He needed to let him potentially hang himself.

You work in what sounds like a laddish, male dominated, testosterone fuelled environment. However, it also comes across that you love your job and they want to keep you.

Consider what to do about the recording. While life is no soap opera (if it was you'd play it to F in the Rovers and blackmail him) it is still evidence.

Why don't you try typing it all up in a transcript, see how it reads and go from there? "All tits and cunt" alone is beyond banter and beyond and company policy.

"And beyond #any company policy".

I would go with Lily's approach. You said he won't get fired over it so it will just cause friction in the office. Use the information to your advantage and expose him later when the time is right.

Clearly, F is a total viper in the grass. As your for boyfriend, I really think you need to cut him some slack. First of all, he was undoubtedly shocked to hear F go off like this. Secondly, your boyfriend was at your work event, and him kicking off with F really wouldn't have helped anything. I think your boyfriend being able to keep his mouth shut and not punch the guy in the throat shows maturity and amazing self-control. He was probably concerned about your career and causing a huge scene at your work event. Don't be upset with your boyfriend. He was in an impossible situation. You should be happy that he had the presence of mind to record F going off for you. I'm really sorry this happened. It's awful.

This. I applaud your boyfriend for his quick thinking to be honest. It was a smart move to stay calm, pretend to agree with the tosser just so he can dig himself even deeper into a hole whilst you are recording it all for future evidence. He clearly has your best interest at heart so don't be upset with him.

Your boyfriend has done stellar job. Didn't make a scene at your work. Good man. Recorded your insane colleague. Good man firmly on your side. Give him a round of applause in my view.

With work- I'd take that straight to hr. But your work context sounds much more laddish than mine so it might not be the immediate dismissal I'd expect.

Your boyf is a keeper.

It might be a good idea to repost this in employment. There are some very wise people over there.

File the tape in your personal stuff and keep it safe. You may need it if there's issues.

In the meantime be polite/neutral to the man

Your bf deserves your gratitude - presence of mind, didn't make a scene, didn't push the recording in your face.

F sounds like an arse and i agree is probably scared of you. At least you know.

Re F, can you create more of an evidence trail with his work flows, eg ask for work to be passed on via email 'so it has a time stamp'? Can you push back a bit with the crap work?

I would be a bit cautious about being one of the lads. Sounds like the work culture is quite near the edge. Keep your wits about you.

I would also want to take it to HR and in an ideal world you should beable to without any repercussions for you. But only you know your workplace- are you worried by repercussions, as why else would you ask for advice?

Do you have any reason to believe that F has a clue wtf he was talking about, regarding things he claimed other people have said/think? Because it sounds like nonsense to me, lies or exaggerations that somebody would say just to slag someone off, try to hurt someone, or try to make someone feel anxious.

I get the feeling he's a nasty guy who was drunk and talking shit. I get the feeling he's jealous of or threatened by your job (and insecure about his), afraid that you could take his job yourself or cause him to lose it. He may well also fancy your BF and for some reason think there would be a chance for him if he broke you two up.

From what you know of F, and of the people he talked about, what do you make of the contents of the recording?

If your boyfriend had of started defending you the guy might have stopped what he was saying. I think your boyfriend was very quick thinking and very loyal deciding to tape the conversation. Great boyfriend in my mind!

You need to stop socialising with this work colleague, you should not be drinking with him and partaking in 'lads banter'. Don't let him near you (or your bf) on nights out etc. Just steer clear and avoid him.

At work treat him professionally, don't chat about anything personal, keep it about work always. Keep a careful log of all work related issues you have with him and follow the correct channels at work to complain if you have to.

Keep your work and personal life separate.

Your boyfriend did the right thing by remaining neutral whilst recording it, that means that the recording was not prompted in any way by your boyfriends behaviour and was entirely down to F. That was a work event he had absolutely no right to speak about you in that way as he did, especially the sexual comments. I would report it, he should face disciplinary proceedings. I know you say he won't get fired but you might be surprised by the way HR/people deal with what is actually concrete fact and not just a he said /she said case. Additionally they may well make sure that you are supervised/managed by another person even if he is not fired.