Am I always in the wrong?

[elsielake]

This is long and I'm not even sure what I'm saying. I don't even know where to start. Me and my dh have two girls, 4, and 4 weeks. We've always had a very passionate relationship. But when we argue, we come to blows. And on several occasions he's tried to dump me. And I am always the one in the wrong and his words are 'I don't need this shit' even to the point of telling me he doesn't love me, causing many a panic attack. Which he doesn't think is a panic attack, tells me to 'calm down we all have anxiety on some level, I just show it different' then takes it back when we've made up. A few examples. I was watching his football match one day, stood talking to one of his friends, who also happens to be a friend of my dsis and dbro. We were chatting and joking, lots of other people there too. Later that night he accused me of flirting, said I can't love him if I flirt with other guys and said he didn't want me and we were done. I begged and cried all night for him not to end it, I had to admit I was wrong and beg for his love and forgiveness. Then another example, couple of weeks ago, he had football and my auntie and uncle who live abroad who he'd never met were stopping at my mums. We were to be there for 430 for dinner, come 440 I see his car go past. Call and ask where he is. He is having a drink at the pub, says Saturday is his day and he can have a drink if he wants to. Come 510 still nothing so I leave dc with my mum and go to the pub to find him. Go over to him, and say 'are you kidding me?' He smiles and walks outside with me. Then outside starts screaming at me that I embarrassed him in front of the pub, he doesn't want me anymore, doesn't love me, is sick of my shit, I'm stood crying begging, trying to stop him leaving, to the point where people come out, his friends come out and tell him to just come with me and see my family. We eventually got there an hour later and my auntie was leaving. I was so embarrassed. Even after that when we got home he continued the argument, saying I'm wrong and should be embarrassed for going into the pub and he doesn't want me anymore. Kept it up til the early hours of the morning refusing to give in til I admit I was wrong and apologise which I only did because I was so exhausted and saw no other way out. We do have amazing times the rest of the time. But when we argue he always threatens ending it. He never admits he's wrong. It has to be me begging and doing the ego stroking. I don't know what I'm asking or saying. Just wanted to talk.

Why are you with him? Serious question.

None of the behaviour you describe is that of a person who cares about you.

Your self esteem appears to be in tatters and you are letting this abusive arse ruin you.

If you stay with him, your daughters will see your terrible relationship as normal and think begging someone not to leave them is normal.

Is that what you want?

You are a mother now - your actions have far reaching consequences. Give them the gift of a calm home by leaving him on your own terms.

Why the fuck are you begging him not to leave?! Seriously! That's fucked up. And 'come to blows'?! Your relationship isn't 'passionate' it's abusive!!

Would you want your daughters putting up with this shit?

I guess I've just never thought of it as abuse. Only recent started to realise I'm not in the wrong really and stand up for myself. I posted this tonight because we are in the midst of a fallout, I won't bore you with details but he said if I couldn't see I was wrong and change, then he was done with my shit. I said I didn't see I was in the wrong and I actually thought he was, he said fine I'll get my stuff in the morning, and just carried on watching telling while I quietly cried but didn't protest. That's where we're at now.

Help him out. Pack his stuff up for him and get him out quicker.

He's sitting there because he's expecting another round of begging him to stay.

How would your life not be better if he wasn't there?

Great, get him and all his shit out of the house. Then maybe you can look into doing The Freedom Programme or getting some counselling or something, get yourself sone self esteem and work out why you've been willing to put up with such disrespectful, abusive, damaging crap.

Have you had many relationships before this? If so have any of them been unhealthy/dysfunctional? Just wondering why you've set the bar so low relationship wise.

He likes the power over you. He threatens to leave & likes to watch you break, beg & cry. He likes it & it's a game to him. He has no intention of leaving. If he did he would do it. He is slowly wearing you down & he is gaining more power.

It will only get worse

One main relationship before this. There was no passion or excitement. We just drifted through day to day, fell out of love eventually. He never seemed attracted to me or surprised me in any way. So when I met dh he was something else entirely, outgoing, showered me with compliments, brought me flowers each week, and ridiculously passionate. This behaviour has crept up

He's a power-monger - wheeled you in with his romance and attention now loves to see you dancing to his tune, begging him to stay.

Help him leave, asap. You can do soooooo much better.

He's a dickhead.

Seriously. If you saw a friend with a partner treating them like this, you wouldn't see it any other way!

I don't think 'passionate' means what you think it means.

You're confusing passion with bullshit drama. You need to really start asking yourself why you even want to be with this abusive asshole.

So why isn't he packing up his stuff now? Because he doesn't actually want to. He's waiting for you to take your cue and beg him to stay. As pp said he does it to get the reaction. Just say no more and let him go! He sounds horrible.

We're still in the same position. We hadn't said a word to each other. He got up to feed DD and I said do you want me to do it if you have work tomorrow? He said NOPE I have to learn to do it alone don't I. So I just left it at that

Help him pack his stuff OP

This is an abusive twat who is playing you emotionally and has obviously ground you down.

I used to be exactly in this position with my ex. If I did something wrong, I had to beg. If HE did something wrong... yep, still me who had to beg, because he was too full of himself and thought he deserved everything. He rarely said sorry and when he did he did not mean it.

Somehow, somehow, my eyes opened before I got married. I was due to marry him this July but we broke up last November. I am so grateful I did not get married

Please leave, OP. You do not want to give this example to your daughters

Call his bluff, let him end it and by the sounds of it you would be better off.

Pack his bags and kick him out. He sounds abusive and controlling.

Emotional blackmail and abuse. If he threatens to leave again, call his bluff and pack his stuff. You don't deserve this.

Yes call his bluff and help him pack ( he always says he will go right) it only has power because you let him

This is just not acceptable behaviour

If he's still threatening to leave then let him

This will only escalate. I know because I was you. GET OUT NOW! It will destroy you.

You have 2 daughters who you are showing this is how women should be treated by their partners. If you DD came to you and told you this what would you say to her? They deserve better.

And before you say it, no he's not a good father. He is setting the up for a lifetime of abuse from men by demonstrating this is how women are kept in their place.

Tomorrow, pack his bags, drop them at his parents and tell him you have decided to end it. If he wants you back HE needs to make changes.

He sounds emotionally abusive and in my opinion you don't cover yourself in glory either.
Why did you follow him to the pub?
He went to the pub instead of coming to meet your aunt and uncle he'd never met before so why couldn't you have discussed it with him later? You should have gone yourself and left him to it.
Why do you beg him to stay?
What redeeming features has he got?
When you say you come to blows do you mean you hit each other?
What kind of example are you setting for those kids?

Stop the crying and begging and asking him where he's going and when and ask him when he would like to see the kids.
He will soon backtrack and reel you back in.
Probably saying things like you can't cope without me, you'll be nothing without me. Progressing to threatening to take the kids.
You will need strength, resolve and courage and you need to minimise the drama.

Let him leave. It will be a simple way to end the relationship and get him out of the house.

I'll bet her comes up with an excuse not to leave in the morning.

It's all about power. He wants you to beg him to stay. Don't.

This sounds like my parents relationship except theirs also had physical violence which spilled out over my sisters and I as well. (Which you shouldn't rule out tbh as these things normally get worse)
My mum couldn't leave her addiction to my dad and my dad used to love saying he's leaving or mix it up a bit and say get out of my house. I have no respect for my m at all. To me she's a weak weak person who messed up her daughters lives (myself and my sisters) we suffered a lot, my education suffered from trying to get away from home constantly and I suffer from extreme anxiety. Took my whole 20's to repair the damage and go back and educate myself. I also entered an abusive violent relationship straight after leaving home as I thought it was normal. I don't speak to my sisters either it put such a strain on us all.
My m always took my d side as well and would do exactly as you describe and trot down the pub to find him aka trying to control him. You're both clearly miserable. I hope you find it to leave him as you're both unhappy. You make him unhappy and he makes you unhappy. I am planning to go nc with my m soon. I'm sick of seeing her cart about trying to control my d who in turn controls her by knowing she'll run about after him when he threatens her. She used to say she stayed because of the kids.
Well the youngest kid is 30 now and there's no excuse. Disgusting behaviour as a mum. It has truly affected every part of my life and now I'm a Mum I'm even less forgiving.
Good luck op but I get the impression you came on here to be told you're not in the wrong and go back to him to say so. Best thing you can do is pack his bags put them out front and see what he does. At least then you'll know if you're wrong or not.
If counselling is an option for you (might be with a 4 week old) I would do that. You're not going to listen to posters on here. A third party professional might be able to help you at least realise how wrong you are for staying with daughters in this situation.