Am I expecting too much?

[kitkat321]

From my DH?

DH is a nice, inoffensive generally laid back person. He's not one to talk about his feelings, he's not overly outgoing and he is, in my opinion lazy/lacking in energy. I am more uptight, a bit of a control freak - I'm not controlling but more of a "my way or the highway" person - I like to get things done, I'm alway looking for the next thing that needs done and therefore I find it harder to relax until I know everything is done.

He seems to think that once the working day is done he can put his feet up and relax. Unfortunately for him we have a young dd, a dog and a house that feels like it is constantly like a bomb site.

Because he's not particularly expressive I also mistake him for being in a bad mood - when I challenge him on it he denies I but I just have a sense that he's not happy.

He's a good dad but in my view, he contributes very little in terms of chores - when I've challenged him in the past he says that it's me that's too controlling and obsessed with things being done immediately that is the issue rather than him being lazy - I just always beat him to it and to some extent that might be true but I suspect if I didn't do certain things it would never get done.

Today for example, he took DD to soft play/lunch while I was out meeting friends for brunch (a rare occurance). When I got home he was grumpy and tired apparently so he sat DD down with the tablet and dozed of while I came home, stripped the beds, tidied the kitchen.

We then spent some time out together before he then went off to play golf - while I watched DD I tidied the house, did some more washing, made dd dinner, got DD bathed and ready for bed etc. He's since come home from golf, walked the dog (and moaned about it) and basically gone and sat on his arse. I'm just about to tackle a pile or ironing.

I feel like we've bit a bit of an impasse - I think he's lazy, he things I'm too controlling/highly strung - and to be honest, I'm starting to resent him and the fact that his hobby seems more important than anything else.

We were starting to think about having a second child but I think it might break us as I expect it would have limited impact on him - and he'd be grumpy about it anyway meanwhile I continue to work myself into the ground. I can feel myself starting to really resent him because in my eyes, he would be the reason we didn't have another.

For further context, we both work full time but I do extra hours as I have a more senior job than him and am very much the breadwinner - I just feel like everything is on me while he bitches if he has to do anything!

I this just how men are? My dad was the polar opposite - he was almost too helpful and ended up running around doing everything for everyone. I wished I'd ended up with someone more like my dad.

No, it's not "how men are" in the same way as the way you are is "the way women are".

Why don't you divvy up the jobs that need doing, and then accept that you will approach them in different ways? So, if his job is stripping the beds, it is up to him when he does them - it doesn't have to be when he gets up, or before lunch or at any particular time. When he gets in from work, if he wants to sit down for 10 mins before starting cooking / bathing dc / whatever his job is, then that is his choice and you have to let him choose to do that.

Well I do believe people have different standards and sometimes they are incompatible. However you both work and he gets more free time. Write a list of minimum standards and have a discussion.

If he can't get himself together then basically stop doing anything for him. Don't do his washing and ironing and don't cook for him, basically diplomacy is my way but then if that doesn't walk it's a metaphorical punch in the balls.

I'll be honest, I think you need to relax a lot more. Yes divide some of the jobs and sit down and decide fairly, who does what. This then has to be stuck to. Don't criticise him for not coming up to your standards. Generally from your post I think you're doing far to much tidying. When you have kids it's abnormal to have everything tidy.

Is there anything that doesn't need ironing? What's in your pile of ironing? Does he do his own washing and ironing?

First decide if you're prepared to change what you're doing. I mean in the sense of oh wouldn't it be lovely if he just did what was needed and was proactive and helpful etc. But that's not what you have got and it is not going to change unless you change what you are doing. You will probably need to change your behaviour drastically and address resentment and grief you are carrying about your marriage not being how you wanted or imagined it would be. You will be doing this emotional work on your own - talking to him won't solve anything, I'm guessing you have done that repeatedly already and it has not worked.

Option 1. Write him a list of tasks to be done and the time and day of the week he is to do each one. - physically inspect each task and send him back in to finish it if left half done/poorly done. Or other similar shock tactics.

Option 2. Get a cleaner.

I would do option 2 if I had a spare 20 quid a week.

Also. Stop ironing.

Thanks all - I already have a cleaner but the house only stays clean for a day with a dog and toddler running around.

I partly blame my mother - she's a total clean freak and despite my attempts to rebel, she seems to have instilled this in me. I can't sit and relax if my house is a mess.

That said, DH needs to step up. I shouldn't have to revert to writing a list but it sounds like the best option.

Oh and ironing is still not done, will work though that tomorrow - I do refuse to iron his stuff - that's where even I draw the line!

You should have equal leisure time. If you're doing most of the bread winning and most of the housework and childcare that's definitely unreasonable.

I don't iron, but otherwise your list of chores sounds pretty standard to me. I don't think you're expecting too much at all.

I find it hard to believe that it's dirty a day after the cleaner.

You not being able to relax unless it's spotless is not your husband's problem.

You should agree tasks like pp said but it's not really down to you to dictate when they're done so long as they get done.

The whole house isn't dirty but the downstairs floors need hoovered due to the dog hair and general toddler mess. I don't have to wash floors or clean bathrooms but feel like I'm constantly hoovering/tidying up/washing & drying clothes.

You are opposites. But you do sound a bit like hard work. I'm an untidy person and if DH was fussy it just wouldn't work and there would be constant rows. Are you both working outside the home. If you are then he should do a fair share of household chores. I know people who are tidy and can't relax in an untidy room. I wish I was tidier and do try but never seem to get there.

I actually could have written this years ago. I think as we have both got older I have mellowed and realised if I want something doing specifically 'my way' then I should do it myself! Also he has become more accustomed to the way I like things to be done. It's a case of I've lowered my standards, he's increased his and we've kind of met in the middle. Otherwise I think I'd of just gone crazy!

I've also appreciated that there are certain things he does better than me (ironing for one) and we stick to our skill sets!

Sorry I see that you both work full time. Which is very hard I think as there is a lot of housework to be done in a limited time. At weekends and evenings. I don't think there's an easy answer except getting a cleaner more often. Having a dog when time is short doesn't help matters.

My kids (2 under 4) can reduce a tidy room to an enormous mouse's nest in under 10 minutes. If I want a room to be tidy I do have to tidy pretty much continuously. mostly I can't be bothered but the point stands Equally, I'm not a laundry fetishist but somehow spend hours and hours and hours doing laundry. I think it's a small children thing.

If you both work FT, then I'm presuming you, dh, and your toddler are out the house say 9 hours a day, x 5 days a week.
Quite frankly, if you have a cleaner - even for 2 hours a week? - then there really shouldn't be a lot else needs doing.
You'll (ie, between the 2 of you) need to be doing shopping, cooking, clearing up after meals, and washing (which, presuming you have a dishwasher and a washing machine, don't take a huge amount of time.

If you then choose to do loads over and above that, then that is your issue, and not a 'dh issue', IMO.

The quick and easy way to fix this is to divorce him.

The slower and more painful route is to play him at his own passive aggressive game.

So go on strike but don't tell him. Just stop doing stuff. Basically act like him.

When you put your clothes and DDs in the washing machine, leave his in the Laudry basket. If he comments, look vague and say " oh I didn't notice them " .

Don't pick up any of his clothes or dishes. Don't do any cleaning . Just do exactly the same as him, sit down in front of the TV / computer/ with a book.

Don't cook any meals for him. Eat at work or on your way home and just make a snack for your child ( I'm assuming toddler doesn't eat much at night ) . If he asks what's for dinner, just say " I Dont know , what do you want to make ? / I'm not hungry / I'm on a diet " .

Stop buying food except for your toddler and what you need. If he comments, just look vague and say " oh I didn't know you wanted cheese/ we had run out of eggs / you didn't tell me what kind of biscuits you wanted . "

Don't wash the dishes - just do what he does and leave them lying / on the work top. If you run out of clean ones, just wash the ones you need.

Stop walking the dog , let him do it.

If he comments, just say you are trying to be more relaxed / lower your standards / be more chilled. Or say that you were just about to do the task but he beat you to it.

This will not work overnight, and you will have to be prepared to live in e pig sty for a few months ( at least ) . It will be very hard and upsetting .

Who wanted a dog?

It's not "how men are" of course but I'm a woman and suspect you might feel the same about me. My lazy DH occasionally tries to make comments on my housekeeping until I remind him the hoover and mop work for him too (I work part time ATM but that doesn't mean I do 100% and I already do all the grocery shopping, all the cooking and 95% of the laundry and putting away and big decuttering, wardrobe sorting, rearranging, work, all the children's clothes shopping, 99% of his clothes shopping... all the after school club organising, 98% of ferrying kids places, all the kids social support (phoning friends' parents, knowing their friends etc), playdates being on my watch, I a organise our kids' parties and am the one who responds to invites, knows about and presents for their friends etc. etc. Etc.

You shouldn't do everything.

However my DH has higher domestic standards than me but only does a tiny fraction of the work. He has the good sense to realise that I am not obliged to spend my every free second cleaning. Which is why we didn't divorce 10+ years ago.

It sounds as though the dog is the main problem.

Who wanted the dog?

Is it only you who thinks it's messy?

If the dog was your idea and he doesn't think it's messy or is fine with a bit of mess this isn't a man/ woman thing it's an "I want a dog and a show home" versus "I didn't want the dog and would rather relax than clean up after the stupid dog all the time, and don't mind a bit of toddler mess" thing...

Write a list together. Divy up the jobs between you. Make it a team effort. Have his jobs so and her jobs. And don't do any of his jobs at all even if it creates a backlog. Let the backlog build up.

Dont do anything for him if he fails to complete his part. So no cooking or ironing or buying his food.

Play hardball. Don't accept his grumpiness, read him the riot act

You are not alone. My partner is just like yours - we have inequality between us because we live in my home, I work 3.5 days a week but with 1.5 hours commute 3-4 days a week. He moved from abroad around 11 months to be with me and has just got a full time job - 10 mins up the road, standing up most of the day. I do everything at home including the paperwork, all home repairs organisation, the driving (he's not comfy with this side of the road), except the garden (which is large and needs knocking back once a month). His old rented apartment looked like a dog's dinner and he is the ultimate man child.
Things will have to change now I'm pregnant and tired a lot. House has gone down the pan.
As others have suggested - I will do both - get a cleaner 2-3 hours a week and allocate him specific jobs to be done and when.
He's ultimately a good man and I can walk past an untidy mess with no stress so I think we'll get there. I've never sat him down and told him he has to up his game but this is on the cards. Once baby arrives, I'm sure the dynamic will have to change.
Good luck !

I do think you could chill out a bit. Even if your dh is lazy its your choice to iron at 10.30 on a Saturday night. Why would you do that?

You could probably streamline things a bit too. If you are a clean freak you are probably washing your bedding more often than you need to for example. I used to always be ironing but these days, I iron the odd thing once a month and the dc and I don't look any the worse for it and I have saved a couple of hours a week.

It sounds like you have different standards and both need to meet in the middle somewhere.

Are you doing his washing OP? If so ask yourself why?

We have separate washing baskets. One for me and baby which I do almost every day.

Two for DH. One for his darks and one for whites. He is in charge of those but when I am feeling caring/ he has been lovely I do them for him.

Having separate baskets has solved all the laundry based arguments. And stops my baby's things being washed with DH's appalling socks

There's no point in going on strike with someone who has much lower standards than you. If you do, they still won't see that there's a problem as what you perceive as mess and chaos is their normal.

I have mellowed as I realise I was over the top and now just do the bits I feel are most important and tell dh what he needs to do.

The important thing is that my dh is open to the fact that we should both have equal down time.

If after you have relaxed your very high standards and just doing the basics you are pointing out to your dh that he has far more time than you do to do what he wants and it's unfair yet your dh still isn't willing to do his share, I'd bin him. It's not fair and you deserve someone willing to invest in your home life and daughter.

The claim that "your standards are higher than mine therefore you are choosing to be the person who does all the shitwork" is a traditional male housework-avoidance gambit and it's impossible to know if it's true or not unless you call them out on it as Kristina suggests

It's easy to not care if everything is filthy and there's no dinner on the table if those things never actually happen.

The dog(s) are the issue in my house. I have to hoover and mop daily. I have a cleaner.

DP and I have been having a really stressful day. He has been intolerable and PA (money related).

I went upstairs to read a book and he just called me down to clean up dog poo!!

He won't walk them unless it's all as a family, promises to do stuff later all the time (never gets done). I am at the end of my tether.

I didn't want the dogs btw. He promised and promised he would train, them, walk them etc etc.

Now I am getting close to keeping the dogs and chucking the man.

Read "wifework" and have your eyes opened as to what is going on subconsciously in both of you.