Am I expecting too much?

[kitkat321]

From my DH?

DH is a nice, inoffensive generally laid back person. He's not one to talk about his feelings, he's not overly outgoing and he is, in my opinion lazy/lacking in energy. I am more uptight, a bit of a control freak - I'm not controlling but more of a "my way or the highway" person - I like to get things done, I'm alway looking for the next thing that needs done and therefore I find it harder to relax until I know everything is done.

He seems to think that once the working day is done he can put his feet up and relax. Unfortunately for him we have a young dd, a dog and a house that feels like it is constantly like a bomb site.

Because he's not particularly expressive I also mistake him for being in a bad mood - when I challenge him on it he denies I but I just have a sense that he's not happy.

He's a good dad but in my view, he contributes very little in terms of chores - when I've challenged him in the past he says that it's me that's too controlling and obsessed with things being done immediately that is the issue rather than him being lazy - I just always beat him to it and to some extent that might be true but I suspect if I didn't do certain things it would never get done.

Today for example, he took DD to soft play/lunch while I was out meeting friends for brunch (a rare occurance). When I got home he was grumpy and tired apparently so he sat DD down with the tablet and dozed of while I came home, stripped the beds, tidied the kitchen.

We then spent some time out together before he then went off to play golf - while I watched DD I tidied the house, did some more washing, made dd dinner, got DD bathed and ready for bed etc. He's since come home from golf, walked the dog (and moaned about it) and basically gone and sat on his arse. I'm just about to tackle a pile or ironing.

I feel like we've bit a bit of an impasse - I think he's lazy, he things I'm too controlling/highly strung - and to be honest, I'm starting to resent him and the fact that his hobby seems more important than anything else.

We were starting to think about having a second child but I think it might break us as I expect it would have limited impact on him - and he'd be grumpy about it anyway meanwhile I continue to work myself into the ground. I can feel myself starting to really resent him because in my eyes, he would be the reason we didn't have another.

For further context, we both work full time but I do extra hours as I have a more senior job than him and am very much the breadwinner - I just feel like everything is on me while he bitches if he has to do anything!

I this just how men are? My dad was the polar opposite - he was almost too helpful and ended up running around doing everything for everyone. I wished I'd ended up with someone more like my dad.

he just called me down to clean up dog poo

It's your job to walk and clean up after his dogs?

OK this definitely isn't a differing standards problem. This is a DH thinks you're his housemaid problem.

The claim that "your standards are higher than mine therefore you are choosing to be the person who does all the shitwork" is a traditional male housework-avoidance gambit

Bullshit. It's not a only a male gambit. It's a gambit either from anyone lazy and entitled (male or female) or someone who is genuinely pissed off at a partner with rificulous standards.

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/the-filter/11215506/Men-deliberately-do-housework-badly-to-avoid-doing-it-in-future.html

Wow Maddogs if they dogs are his and he got them against your wishes and is calling you to clean up if they shot in the house he is a grade a bastard!

Did you clean the pool? If you did the situation is never going to change is it? That is absolutely the moment for a calling him out and asking how the fuck he's decided that's your job. If he can't answer to your satisfaction push your point - he cleans up after his dogs or he moves out.

The calling you to clean up the dog poo rings a bell though - if you've posted about him before and nothing has changed, how will it be different now, or in a few months time?

How can you live with someone who moves untrained dogs into your house and refuses to train them and commands you to clean up dog shit?

To answer your question, you're not expecting too much. If he was a house sharer and not your DH you'd be asking him to move out. I have / have had the same problem with my DH. He's definitely doing more now I've started speaking up (asking if he'd want DD to be in a marriage like ours where she does all the drudge work is somewhat effective for me), He hates tidying and rarely does anything but would quite happily criticise me when the house is a dump (not seemingly recognising that mess created by his children is his responsibility as much as mine, plus he leaves clothes where they fall and cups on the floor) - I have a sleepless baby and am up a lot at night. A baby definitely adds extra strain (and extra housework). The thing is, your standards may be higher or different to his (my husband wants things tidy, I don't care about mess too much as long are things are clean so i prioritise cleaning / hoovering/ mopping over putting books away, say), you need to communicate about what needs to be done and within what timeframe. You should be getting equal leisure time as him and if you're not then the partnership isn't equal.

I'm ashamed to admit, I'd drunk the kool aid a bit and was doing everything (e.g. cards for his family - i don't do this now). You do need to step back from just automatically doing everything. If they're his dogs, anything to do with the dogs seems like a good place to start.