Partner looking at other women when out with you

[puglady]

Would it bother you?

Am I unreasonable to feel hurt, disrespected and inadequate?

If you brought it up with him what reaction would you expect / would be acceptable to you?

Any thoughts would be appreciated

Beauty is to be admired but one has to be respectful and subtle.

It really depends.

You would think that your dp must do it in a manner that makes it obvious to you, because you notice it.

But i have known quite a few people who watch their dps like hawks and anytime they look at anyone, they make it an issue. Which i think is worse than glancing at a person.

I am bisexual, so DH and I quite often point out attractive women to each other

Meh, overreacting. People look at people. Our eyes are instinctively drawn to attractive members of the opposite sex. It means nothing. Lewd comments would be another matter but a simple comment about someone being pretty or having lovely hair isn't offensive.
I look at bikinis with longing.... but I'm never going to wear one.

An very old exbf was sneaky about it - moving the car mirror to see someone more easily, suddenly tuning out of conversation to watch someone, actually leaving me standing at a bar on my own while he went to chat to an attractive work colleague who had come in etc. I was young then and found it somewhat irritating, but it wasn't about comparing them to me - it was just knowing that he didn't have any respect for me.

My DH of 20 years is very different. I tend to notice an attractive woman and I'll say, wow, she has nice legs, or whatever, and he'll glance over and say, "yeah. When are we going to arrange getting the carpet fitted?" or some such banal married snippet of conversation. If he sees someone he thinks is attractive he tends to say something, or he might glance briefly but he doesn't linger or obsess and I barely notice. I honestly don't walk round the supermarket with him having to wonder what his "type" is or if he compares them to me.

We do have a shared code for BOOBS ON SHOW though.

"An very old"? How is there no autocorrection for grammar catastrophes?

I can't say I've ever noticed DP doing it, but I'm sure he does and a slight glance wouldn't bother me.
He did once pull me about it, and to be fair I was really gawping.

I did the worst possible thing and totally denied it. Said I thought I recognised him from somewhere and all that.
Purely because I was embarrassed , he'd noticed.

It really depends what he's doing though, is it the odd glance or openly staring? His he commenting?
I'd expect him to acknowledge you're upset though and discuss it with you.

Just accept it. Men arr bilogically built to impregnate as many attractive women in theit field of vison. As evolutionary psychology likes to say- "men are visual".

Are*
Biologically*

newyork
So are women. We're all programmed to find others attractive.

I think most people have a balanced response on here which is nice. Normal yo have a look but dont be a rude git about it.

Im not being rude, you just see it that way.

Yes women are visual but not as much as men and women tend to look at other women opposed to men. Thats just nature, you cant change that.

I've never seen mine looking - though I'm sure he does notice them, he's just discreet. As far as I know, I am too. We're married, not blind! Had a gawpy total dick of an ex years ago though, who, when I pulled him up on it, said "Women are like cars. There are some types that you want at home and some that you just want to take for a test drive"

Women are like cars. There are some types that you want at home and some that you just want to take for a test drive

Who in their right mind says that? Im actually embarrassed for him.

Women are like cars. There are some types that you want at home and some that you just want to take for a test drive
WTF?! - that's a disgusting thing to say.

Glad he's your ex, fern.

I can't stand a leer/letchy type. Most women can't. Very, very unattractive quality.

Similar to PollyCazaletWannabe we are more likely to point out attractive women to each other . I have never seen him leer or ogle tho, that's just ick

Subtle is also not on fine. I'm very guilty of that!

But anything obvious? NO WAY!

Doesn't bother me at all. In fact if I think a woman (or man) looks good I'd point it out to DH, as in 'I love her look, isn't she beautiful, , that dress really suits her, fabulous figure' kind of thing. And he would do the same. He's not one for oogling lechily over other women though, perhaps I'd feel differently if he was!

Well, DP isn't a total fuckwit so when he does notice beautiful women he manages to do so discreetly enough that neither I nor her are uncomfortably aware of it.

Leering is the most unattractive trait in a bloke.

My ex did it purely in an attempt to make me feel insecure and bad about myself. It didn't work long term. He had mummy ishoos and I eventually worked out that he actually hated women. Last I heard he was on wife 3 (I'm not one of the 3).

Leering is creepy as fuck and not a compliment to the person being leered at.

If DH does it, I've never noticed. If I point out someone nice looking on telly, for example he'll say "meh, she's ok". He always gets smiley watching Rachel Riley on countdown though. Saying that so do I

Women are like cars. There are some types that you want at home and some that you just want to take for a test drive.

Fernanie was your ex Swiss Toni?

Thanks for the replies.

I know men look at other women and as someone else said, a discrete glance wouldn't bother me, but obvious head turning does. It does feel a little disrespectful and it does make me feel like I'm not enough but to be honest I think that's down to self esteem/confidence issues which I'll have to work through myself.

When I mentioned it he got very defensive and said I was imagining it, he hadn't done it, I'm stupid etc, I think that made it worse. I pointed out what he had done and told him it upset me and hurt my feelings, I didn't have a go at him or want to cause a row, I just wanted him to know how I felt. I also said I don't have a problem with him looking as long as it's not when he's with me and he's not physically turning away from me to get a good look.

A while later he apologised and said he didn't realise he'd done it and that he'd try not to do it in future. I thanked him for apologising and that's the end of it. I just wondered how other people would feel or deal with it to try and get some perspective.

he got very defensive and said... I'm stupid

OP. Come now. What are you doing in this relationship.

Him looking at other women is the least of your problems, truly.

You feel what you feel. People have a choice, they are in control of what they do and if that behaviour is hurtful, out of consideration for you, they shouldn't do it. I find it disrespectful and creepy. Yes, most men choose to do it - doesn't make it right.

My ex, when challenged about leering at young women said "why can't I look at the menu when I'm on a diet ". When I expressed a dislike of that expression as it made me the diet he said I was over sensitive!

I realise now he was using this as a way of undermining me and gaslighting me. Well he can leer as much as he likes now as I'm no longer by his side and much happier for it.