Defining abuse

[Islandlife07]

He is 20 years old, Very charming and intelligent, attending a top uk university. We live apart and only see each other a few days a month. However in the last 18 months (the length of our relationship), he once punched me repeatedly and hard in the upper arm as he drove, spit on me in front of an acquaintance, slapped me around the face, slightly split my lip in public, punched my thigh hard, held a car lock deicer against my finger for a moment, pushed me off a bed when I was upset, and other things. He can be verbally cruel as well. but also very sweet. But my gosh writing this down is making me see how crazy it must sound. Could he change as he matures?

Hmmm.... let me think..

No.
Get rid, now.

Yes he could change. Into much much worse.

Why would you put yourself through this?

He will likely change as he gets older. .
He will get worse. .
You deserve more.

Could you imagine having a baby /toddler /child witnessing you being a battered wife?
Your dps identifying your body one day?
Run for the fucking hills. .
While you still can.

no

Nope. Get out now.

This sounds like you're getting an absolutely terrifying glimpse into the future, by staying with him you're saying it's ok for him to treat you like this. It will only get worse, and if you don't leave him now you'll think back to this post and wonder why the hell you didn't. I know it's hard but please put your safety above whatever else you're feeling and as someone else said- run for the hills while you still can. Wishing you luck

I've just read your post out to my sons, who are 20 & 22. The fact that they were utterly appalled at what you say about this young man's behaviour towards you should tell you all you need to know.

Omg....why would you even THINK this was normal behaviour?

You should probably report him as well as leave him. The police might be able to help him get counselling or something. Better treated earlier in life than later

Why is the thread titled "defining abuse"? Did you have a question about whether what he's done is abuse??

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, OP. I'm seriously afraid for you if you have to ask.

This man sounds extremely dangerous. Please for the love of all that is holy stop seeing him. It wouldn't even be that difficult as you don't live together and don't see each other much. Just cut this all off and fgs get into counselling.

As to whether he will change, yes of course he will, he will get worse. If this is 18 months in, when you barely see each other, you can expect that he will hospitalize and later kill you within the next ~5 years. Sooner if you get pregnant, move in with him, lose your job, or become vulnerable in any other way.

This is an emergency situation
Get the fuck out of contact with him.
Tell everyone you know
Tell the police
Get into counseling
Never ever allow any human being to treat you like this EVER again.

Please report him before he does this to someone else.

This is NOT ok behaviour

Any one of these is a red flag abuse you should run from.

How do you define abuse?

What is that happens to so many woman that they think it's normal to be treated like this or minimise the seriousness of it?

To be clear, I'm not in ANY WAY blaming women - it's entirely the abusers fault. I just see all these posts where the poster doesn't realise how serious the abuse is and it breaks my heart that they need to ask if the treatment is acceptable/normal.

OP - you are worth so much more than his terrible treatment. Please realise and leave today.

"Could he change as he matures?"

He WILL get worse. He'll probably end up killing someone just for the fun of it because punching/slapping/spitting doesn't quite do it for him anymore.

OP he will only get better at hiding it! The severity of the abuse will increase but he will continue to perfect his public "nice guy" appearance
End this relationship before the abuser controls you emotionally, psychologically, economically, socially and physically!

He'll get worse.

This is horrific to read, far less experience.

Do not see him again, and please, seek counselling for yourself so that you are better able to stay away from such men in the future, and have a healthy, mutually respectful relationship which doesn't involved being abused and assaulted.

Have already posted but I meant to add, if you still can't decide (despite the overwhelming response telling you to leave him on here), please think about what you would tell your daughter (if you don't have one imagine you do) to do if she was in this situation.

I'd say you need to dump him. Have you spoken to your parents about this ? What he's doing isn't right and it has absolutely no place in a relationship. It won't get better, you can't change him and you need to realise you can get and deserve better from a partner.

I will say as female we do not need a man to define us, we are strong and we can choose those who are worthy to improve our daily lives. Good friends, family, people who treat us well and respect us as we do them. You seem like a good person and deserve only good people around you. Please don't put up with someone like this as it's not normal behaviour.

He will get worse. Get rid. NOW.

BTW Island the thread at the top of the Relationships board, "Listen up everybody", is a good one to read for a reminder of what a healthy and normal relationship is hip looks like.

OP this wasn't nice to read 😥 - he is going to get worst, you need to leave him. We will be here to support you.

Not sure where the extra "is hip" came from in my last post, oops

Just to spell it out, yes, all of that is abuse. Any behaviour intended to hurt you, physically or emotionally, or to unsettle or frighten you, is abuse.

He'll not grow out of it. Get rid.

Thank you so very much for taking time to reply. I have been awake thinking for a long time. I don't understand how I have let it get to this. Thank you for the link to 'listen up everybody'. I do think abuse when I was young has hurt my confidence. I need to work on that. Thank you for caring I really didn't think many would answer as I can see it sounds a crazy situation to get into. At least he is not here with me. thank you.

Hi Island, hope you're OK this morning. I hope you're not beating yourself up for "letting it get to this stage", because none of this is your fault and your partner's behaviour is not within your control. I think they call this "boiling frog" syndrome. You started off in the relationship fine and happy, then little by little his behaviour changed so you changed yours over time to accommodate it, then before you knew it he had shown his true colours and you felt too trapped to do anything about it. Does that sound about right? It's not you, it's him. Leave him and move on with your life, you've got the rest of your life ahead of you and the less of it you spend with this 'man' the better. Xxx