Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'm an idiot

26 replies

YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 16:42

So, I will try and keep this short..only posted once before.
I have been with my husband for 10 years and I know I should leave but so scared of being alone. Scared that I will never find anyone else. Scared that I won't have children.
I don't have any family or friends..he is my life.
Our relationship has not been easy...when we met he sold drugs, didn't have a job but he changed his ways...got a job and things were better.
I then I found out he had a serious drug addiction, which he had been hiding for about 18 months...supported him through rehab, relapsing, looking after his children, losing his job...all the lies and deception. Coming home from work with him collapsed from taking too much. Things got a little better..he got a job...then he has just relapsed again. Says he doesn't know what my problem is...it's his body and sometimes he just needs to as it makes him forget all his worries.

I am really trying my best to hold this altogether, he works but doesn't pay anything towards the house/bills etc. I work really hard and have a successful career and I've kept all this to myself for about 3 years now. I haven't spoken to anyone and feel like I'm drowning.

We spend our weekends like this...I look after his children and he sleeps all weekend. I feel like I'm wasting my life but too scared to make a decision...what will happen to him

OP posts:
nowwheredidmyunicorngo · 19/08/2017 16:49

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a relationship like this years ago, thankfully no kids.

Are you in the U.K.? Please think about speaking to women's Aid, they can help you to make a plan.

You totally can leave, and in fact you must, otherwise you are literally pouring your life down the drain. You can't help addicts- only they can do that.

Please leave before you waste any more of your precious life. I know it is heartbreaking.

Meantime, PLEASE PLEASE don't have any kids with this guy. Get your birth control sorted if not already.

How old are you?

Buckinghambae · 19/08/2017 16:53

First thing, you aren't an idiot. Sometimes we find ourselves in crap situations and get drawn into becoming a provider. You can and must leave but it's not going to be easy.

Make a list of the things that are scaring you and I'm sure we can help you through it.

Deciding enough is enough is the biggest step and then once you get moving, it will get easier

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 16:54

Thanks for replying. I need to hear things like this...I can't leave really, everything is in my name and he doesn't have anywhere to go. I'm mid 30s

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 19/08/2017 16:55

Him not having anywhere to go isn't your problem.

You're too nice.

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 16:56

I just feel a shadow of my former self...I have no confidence and no fight in me. Everyone sees me as such a strong figure and I'm dying inside. I can't believe what I consider as acceptable these days.
I've lost all my friends and so embarrassed about it all

OP posts:
Buckinghambae · 19/08/2017 16:57

You need some time to talk to someone outside of this. What is most important is that you aren't responsible ever for someone else's health or happiness, only he can do that. However, you need to feel strong enough to accept that and come out from the position you are in now.

Do you have the resources to get some therapy time with someone?

ChickenBhuna · 19/08/2017 16:58

Your life will improve without him in it op. He needs you , you are carrying him.

People like that always land on their feet though so don't concern yourself with what happens to him.

tribpot · 19/08/2017 16:59

...what will happen to him
He'll either hit rock bottom or he'll die. It could take a while to reach either of those points but the longer you prop him up, the less likely it is he will hit rock bottom.

You have severe co-dependency, which is not uncommon for partners of addicts - someone's got to go out and earn the dosh for them to piss away, someone's got to look after the kids, someone's got to pick them up when they OD.

So never mind what will happen to him. What will happen to you? You could drift into drug abuse, you will almost certainly become massively bitter about wasting your life, you will never have peace.

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 17:01

Therapy time? Do you mean woman's aid? I wasn't really brought up to talk about feelings or confide in people. I was brought up to keep everything in the home. I think that's why it has been going on for so long

OP posts:
category12 · 19/08/2017 17:01

This is no way for you to live.

He's the only one who can help himself. At the moment you're enabling him. He's got you as a safety net and you're probably co-dependent.

You can have a better life. You've plenty of time to find someone new and make things different for yourself.

Make the jump.

EmeraldIsle100 · 19/08/2017 17:03

That is horrendous and no way to live your life. He doesn't give a damn about you and you are wondering what will happen to him if you leave him. The answer to that question is that he will try to massively guilt trip you and then find another sucker who will continue to do what you are doing now.

There is another thread running on MN right now about things MNs regret and overwhelmingly many posters regret not leaving abusive/useless partners. Please don't let this be you.

You can have a lovely life without him. You work hard and have built up a career, you can fall in love and have a family of your own if you want to. You deserve so much more.

Please tell someone what is going on and get support so that you can walk away. He is using you. Don't turn around in 10 years' time and wonder why you didn't leave.

Life can be so nice. Do not waste any more of your time with this man. He needs to find a solution for himself. You are preventing him doing so by fixing everything for him. You only have one life.

Al-Anon provides support and guidance to people in relationships with addicts. Ring them for support on how to leave this relationship. He doesn't love you and is only using you.

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 17:03

What will happen to me though? I don't go out. I have no friends. I will just be stuck at home, alone. I know this is utterly pathetic...just feeling low. Will feel better in an hour or so I'm sure

OP posts:
helpme12335 · 19/08/2017 17:07

You will meet new people. Do work colleagues ever go out? Tag along
With them or join websites on line, plenty of people just looking to make friends.
Another option is get a second job In a bar or local pub which will also allow you to meet new people. Or take up a hobby.
You shouldn't be left looking after his children whilst he sleeps all weekend, it's totaly wrong x

ChickenBhuna · 19/08/2017 17:08

What will happen to you?

Your life will be your own.

You will rebuild a social life and at the very least stop spending your weekends babysitting while dh sleeps off his latest binge.

You will have the opportunity (long term) to be with a supportive partner that adores you and will enhance your life rather than take from you constantly.

Doesn't that read better than what you have now?

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 17:10

Yes, absolutely. I just need to get the courage to make it happen and I know it will...I know I can only take so much. Thank you for your advice/comments

OP posts:
EmeraldIsle100 · 19/08/2017 17:12

The reason you don't go out and have no friends is because you look after him full time. He gives you no thanks either.

Believe me there is a whole life to be lived but not with him. His problems consume all your time and energy. When you leave you will have time to breathe and will see plenty of options to meet people, have hobbies and interests, date and travel. Life can be so great. Please ring Al-Anon and Women's Aid too. They will help you see that your good, kind nature is being abused.

Keeping things secret is toxic for you.

Moanyoldcow · 19/08/2017 17:23

What do you want from life? I'll bet my year's salary you can't have it with this man.

He does NOTHING except cause you stress and grief. He pays nothing and everything is in your name already.

Pack his shit up, put it outside and tell him to fuck off. I know I make it. Sound simple but it is.

You were taught to keep stuff like this to yourself. How's that working out for you? Seems like you might do better turning your back on that terrible advice and seeking some real life support.

Lost that deadweight and start living your life.

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 17:29

I'm not saying it's right...just that it makes it harder.
I know that's what I need to do...your tough, it isn't as easy as that.
I have built up a relationship with his children too its hard just to let that go. They have become the family I don't have

OP posts:
UnaPalomaBlanca · 19/08/2017 17:45

Please finish the relationship.
This is no life. He is preventing you from living a happy life. You may not have friends now BECAUSE of him and his lifestyle.
If you can get support from Women's Aid, you sound like a very strong, independent person who has borne a lot. Imagine yourself free of this relationship which is dragging you down.
If the 'worst' comes to the 'worst', it's not so bad being on your own! I'm widowed with young children and am happily single.
How old are his children? Are they old enough to see your point of view? It may be possible to maintain a relationship with them?

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 17:53

No I don't think so. They are 12 and 14. They know he is lazy and they always come to me to talk or if they want anything but he is their Dad at the end of the day. I have obviously looked after them every single weekend/school holiday since they were 2 and 4

OP posts:
EmeraldIsle100 · 19/08/2017 18:18

Don't focus on anyone else except yourself right now. The children will cope with a separation in the same way that all children cope with separation in normal relationship breakdowns. He will need to step up to the mark for them.

If you keep trying to protect everyone else except yourself you will still be in this situation in 20 year's time. It is not going to be easy but you need to put some value on yourself, accept that it is going to be painful and leave him. His children will leave when they can, he is neglecting them too.

You have one life. Don't forget if you miraculously succeed in curing him (which you won't) he could leave you. He obviously doesn't think highly enough of you to treat you with any respect.

You can always be a trusted friend of the children and meet on occasion. You are not responsible for him and his family and if you continue to put yourself last you are very foolish and are perpetuating his addiction.

ChickenBhuna · 19/08/2017 18:19

Yorkshiregirl - I can't speak for all posing on your thread but I'd lay money on the bulk of this thread's contributers becoming 'tough' because of experiences similar to yours. We've probably mostly had some of our best years robbed by enabling addicts/gamblers/abusers when we should've been thinking of ourselves.

Basically , 'tough' is what you have hidden inside you right now.

You can do this.

Original poster
YorkshireGirl2016 · 19/08/2017 19:03

I know. He has just had a 5 hour nap!

OP posts:
httdwefb · 25/10/2020 11:33

For the last year or so I've had an on off casual romance with a colleague.
The last few months feelings have intensified and we've both developed strong feelings for one another.
Whilst there is nothing in our contracts regarding relations, we both hold senior positions within the organisation, so this would be frowned up on to say the least and chances of further promotion for both of us would be overlooked.
We've therefore decided to end our relationship.
We've acknowledged it's going to be difficult we work in the same small room with a handful of other colleagues and there is no option for one of us to move offices.
How the hell are you meant to get over someone when you both still like one another, care deeply for each other and are still attracted to each other when you spend 40+ hours a week together?

Unsure33 · 25/10/2020 11:47

I think the children are old enough to continue a relationship with you on their own if they wish or if their mother allows?

You need to separate that .

It does sound like you give all and get nothing in return .

His problems are not your responsibility .