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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I mad for considering this?

51 replies

Confused299 · 18/08/2017 23:06

I met someone a couple of months ago on an online dating site, he was the first person I felt I clicked with and was easy to talk to/non sleazy and just seemed nice and 'normal'. We went on a few dates and got on well and I started developing feelings for him. Then he completely disappeared, fast forward and I've found out from a friend of a friend that he's been charged with GBH and is in prison awaiting a trial. The incident is from before I met him but I wasn't aware of it until now. He has also been charged with 2 other lesser assaults (not trying to minimise but being factual) from a another night. I'm aware that I should be running for the hills but I'm considering writing to him... I don't know why and I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve. But feel like I would like to have contact with him, even as a friend. Am I completely mad? What sort of prison sentence can someone expect for GBH/other assaults? I just feel like I need answers/closure.

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 18/08/2017 23:46

Yes and deep down you know you are.

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/08/2017 23:47

You have an 8 year old son. You owe it to him not to do this.

You have no idea if the guy has it in him to change or not, you cannot expose your child to the risk of that influence in his life.

Original poster
Confused299 · 18/08/2017 23:48

I suppose things have been shitty for me recently and whatever I had with him was a nice escape from that... it just seems typical that I meet someone seemingly nice and then this.

OP posts:
madja · 18/08/2017 23:48

I echo FLIMP

YOU CANNOT FIX HIM

Original poster
Confused299 · 18/08/2017 23:50

I never introduced him to my son and my son doesn't know of his existence. And you're right, realistically it's not the kind of person I ever want my son to be involved with or look up to. I think I was living in a bit of a fantasy of what would happen and needed bringing back down to earth.

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 18/08/2017 23:53

WISE UP!!

C0untDucku1a · 18/08/2017 23:54

You cannot fix him.
You cannot change him.
He wont change himself.
He is who he is.

You should not introduce this man into your son's life. Your son deserves better. You should probably have some counselling to find out why a violent criminal seems a good option for you and you 8 yr old son.

Ellisandra · 18/08/2017 23:54

You met him online a couple of months ago, you know that he hasn't told you the truth, don't you?
Oh he'll have opened up and suckered you in with his honesty, trust...

You just clicked.
There are three ways you just click with someone:

  • you're right for each other. Yay!
  • you want it to be right so you subconsciously invent the click (for that t shirt!)
  • you've met an arch manipulator who knows exactly how to make you feel you've clicked

Don't rule out that the thing pulling you into him, is likely to be utterly false.

Ellisandra · 18/08/2017 23:55

*got that t shirt

MarsBarsAreShrinking · 18/08/2017 23:55

Maximum sentence for GBH is life.

Please, grab a hold of your self respect, forget about this loser and move on.

NarcsBegone · 18/08/2017 23:56

Absolutely do not go there! Let him do his time, sort himself out and several years down the line if he's stayed sober and kept out of trouble great but you're just asking for trouble. I really hope you take the advice on here, I'm all for giving people chances but they have to help themselves and someone that is about to go to prison for three counts is not someone that's helping themselves.

Original poster
Confused299 · 18/08/2017 23:57

Hang on, I didn't know any of this when I met him. I only found out recently- until then I was completely unaware! I knew he had been I prison a long time ago but that was the extent of it. And I (stupidly I know now) considered writing to him, I didn't say I was going to take my son on bloody prison visits to see him or introduce him as a new father figure. I was torn about whether to write a letter to him.

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 18/08/2017 23:59

What would writing a letter and maintaining contact achieve??

Original poster
Confused299 · 19/08/2017 00:02

I don't know, in all honesty. It would just prolong the head fuck when I could be counting my lucky stars and moving on with someone decent...

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 19/08/2017 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Confused299 · 19/08/2017 00:02

Seriously though, as harsh as it has been thank you for the advice- I clearly needed to hear it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused299 · 19/08/2017 00:06

And he stopped calling as he'd been arrested and was in prison but yes I see your point

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 19/08/2017 00:06

I'm so glad you will be able to look back on tonight as a serious bullet dodge. Lucky escape.

NarcsBegone · 19/08/2017 00:07

You went on a couple of dates and then he disappeared. You felt you needed closure. You talk about becoming further involved despite him being in prison. You want to write letters to him. You ask how long the sentence might be. Don't write to him! Don't communicate with him! Forget about it and be thankful you're not more invested!

Ellisandra · 19/08/2017 00:08

To the poster who said let him do his time and then get sober...
If what he told the OP already is anything like true, he's been through that cycle before.
And now he's back in on a GBH charge.

OP, we know you haven't introduced your son to him. But think about what a "friendship" with a volatile drunk could lead to. Him coming out, getting pissed and hammering on your door for a chat with his penpal whilst your poor boy cries in fear and confusion?

You just don't bring violent alcoholics into your child's life - and that means your life, because it's too close to your child.

And I know I'm a drunken record but... he dumped/ghosted you.

If you were attracted to this prison drama, and he was just a bloke who acted into you then disappeared, you'd be on here calling him an arsehole with no manners!

DancingLedge · 19/08/2017 00:11

Kudos for listening to what you didn't want to hear.

Just as a cherry on the cake, could I point out that people can do really serious crimes, and not be remanded in custody whilst awaiting trial.
Generally, to be in prison before a trial, your life is so unstable that they think you'll do a runner and not turn up for the trial, or, and listen now, they're scared for the safety of the witnesses, or your crime is so bad you are regarded as too dangerous to be on the streets.

Other, genuinely good men, are available. You'll find one.

Ellisandra · 19/08/2017 00:13

He's not exactly busy right now, is he?
If he wasn't an arsehole and gave any kind of damn about your feelings, he could have got a message to you "sorry I disappeared - surprise! I'm in prison!"

But he didn't give enough of a shit about you to tell you. Fair enough - first call to a lawyer. Then maybe his mum. But a week or so after disappearing he could have put you out of your misery / worry. But he didn't bother.

Store it away as an anecdote. You know, when a guy doesn't call and we search for dramatic reasons why instead of the obvious? You have a story about the time it was dramatic.

He is an anecdote.
He is a lucky escape.
He is not a friend.

4sidekicksplus1 · 19/08/2017 00:21

Jesus wept. Someone did that to me when I was at university....luckily I had a friend who intervinied...you've lost your mind if you think any part of this is ok.
I have a son. Think about your son.

SweetLuck · 19/08/2017 00:26

Yes. You're being ridiculous. I am glad you have realised that.

madja · 19/08/2017 00:44

Glad you can see it's a bad idea Smile

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