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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No longer attracted to dh

33 replies

longingformore · 18/08/2017 22:48

I feel so guilty writing this, but I feel I need to talk about it.

Dh and I have been together for 7 years, and are married with a toddler. We are very happy, close and best friends.

But over time, I've come to realise I'm not attracted to dh like I was. I no longer get butterflies when I kiss him, and (although we have an active sex life) I just don't feel into it. I never say anything, but I often wish it would stop. I still find dh an attractive man, but don't feel attracted to him like I used to.

I hate feeling like this, but would never want to hurt him by telling him, as I know he still finds me very attractive. Will I feel like this forever?

OP posts:
Temprmint · 18/08/2017 22:55

Is there something in particular you're not attracted to?

Original poster
longingformore · 18/08/2017 23:06

I don't know. He is still very romantic and kind, and if anything I love him even more since he became a dad. He's healthy and in good shape, has nice eyes and smile. Of course he isn't perfect, but I'm unable to pinpoint anything that's changed. I just feel like I don't like him kissing or touching me. I never say anything, but it's something I've realised over time.

OP posts:
Original poster
longingformore · 18/08/2017 23:08

To be totally honest, I've never found him 100% my type, but it's never mattered because of how I feel for him. When we first got together people were surprised and said I was too good for him, but I don't believe that exists. I just don't want to feel this way.

OP posts:
user1488575338 · 18/08/2017 23:13

Butterflies after 7 years? To be honest I think you are being unrealistic. You can't keep that burning weak at the knees passion going forever - the relationship moves on and evolves into something more settled.

Original poster
longingformore · 18/08/2017 23:16

I guess because we got together as teenagers, I never imagined I'd feel this way in my twenties.

OP posts:
Orangebird69 · 18/08/2017 23:17

Do you think this started when you had your baby op?

Original poster
longingformore · 18/08/2017 23:19

I'm not sure when it started, as I think I suppressed the feelings for a long time. I do think I noticed feeling this way more since having my dc.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 18/08/2017 23:27

What you are feeling is absolutely normal and natural. That's why affairs are so common.

You can leave him and have sex with someone new, lots of people do. It'll be fun and exciting for a while. But in a few years time you'll be right back where you are now, except you might not like and love the new bloke like you do this one plus there's all the financial and emotional repercussions of breaking up your family.

There's a book called 'Sex in Captivity' which may be worth reading.

Original poster
longingformore · 18/08/2017 23:41

Thank you, hedda. To be honest it's nice to know it's normal to feel this way, as it's nothing anyone I know ever talks about and neither do I.

I love dh so much, and would never dream of cheating on him. I just miss how I used to feel, especially as he never seems to have stopped feeling that way.

We've also not been able to have a date since becoming parents, and it's so easy to fall into becoming 'mum' and 'dad'. Dh is still very affectionate with me, but I secretly don't like it which I hate.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 18/08/2017 23:44

7 year itch?

Original poster
longingformore · 18/08/2017 23:46

I never really thought the 7 year itch was a real thing to be honest, maybe it is!

As I said, I'm not going to leave dh, I just don't want to keep feeling like this but don't know if it's forever.

OP posts:
LorLorr2 · 18/08/2017 23:48

Have you had much time away from him before? I'm wondering if a break from each other for a week or something and then meeting up on a date would re-ignite something for you. Easier said than done though of course. Or just suggesting to him that you need more spontaneity?

EmeraldIsle100 · 18/08/2017 23:50

Is there any chance that contraception you use is affecting your libido?

You got together very young and people change when they grow older. You say people thought he was maybe punching above his weight, do you think this is the case? Maybe you are a mis match and you are only just realising it now.

Are you attracted to someone else?

It's tough and I daresay more people than you think feel like this.

Thw worse case scenario is that you split up but take it from me sometimes splitting up is the best option. Best wishes, you are going through a confusing time.

Fudgit · 18/08/2017 23:53

Sometimes the closeness and cosiness of a long term relationship can kind of short circuit the sexual response to that person, I think it's something to do with your brain categorising them as 'family'. I do think desire thrives on novelty, mystery etc and it's really hard to maintain that in the long term. I'm not sure how people do it to be honest. Things other posters have suggested like having a couple of nights away from each other, or trying to get out and date might help to spark things off again. It may be a phase?

Original poster
longingformore · 18/08/2017 23:59

Thanks everyone.

No we've never really been apart much, and I do miss the spontaneity we used to have. I'm not sure how feasible it is to have a break apart then meet up for a date, but it's definitely worth considering. I do really yearn for a date or night away together, as it's so hard with a toddler.

I don't know, I do realise as we get older our differences. I was young and saw him as my prince, and in my eyes he was perfect. Looking back that is very naive and not a healthy way to start a relationship. I would actually discourage our dc from settling down so young to be honest.

Still we are happy, get along well and know each other better than anyone else. He's a great husband and dad, and I really do love him. I just miss that spark we once had. I also find myself thinking of other men (never anyone we know), which I never really used to do.

OP posts:
Dadaist · 19/08/2017 07:50

I think it's really positive that you are recognising and reflecting on your feelings. The hard thing is that if you continue to keep it secret it might gradually feel worse, but if your DH picks up on it (which he may anyway) it will affect him and your relationship.
Of course living with someone in a LTR you see the ugly moments of reality.But it's more than that.

The horrid truth, it seems to me, is that in a LTR with children you require commitment and partnership and reliability and someone devoted to.you and dependable. But all these things stop being sexy. They take away from the risk, vulnerability, uncertainty and excitement required for sexual desire.

Ultimately OP it sounds as though you may have stopped seeing DH as a person, someone separate, with choices about who to love and how to live.Once you feel completely secure, you can afford to take someone for granted, you can lose a little respect or admiration because you can forget how you felt when they had a choice, and forget what it felt like when you badly wanted them to choose you.

So the best thing he could do is remind you that he can live his life without you, that someone else could love him fully, that you can't assume that you don't need to try anymore, That he still has choices. But he won't know to do this and he seems to be a good husband. It is, I think, why so many Mums stay in love with selfish unreliable men - because they are always kept slightly anxious and never able to take them for granted - always kept in the early vulnerable stages of a relationship. Perhaps you have the opposite problem?
Your DH just might need to be a little less dependable and predictable - if only he knew!

Original poster
longingformore · 19/08/2017 09:42

Thanks dadaist, unfortunately a lot of what you've written I think is true. I really wouldn't change dh for the world, he's everything I've ever wanted in a man. I just miss that desire. Even before we were married, I sometimes wasn't sure how attracted to him I was. But I just pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind, as I love him so much. Then it feels as though these thoughts have grown over time, especially since we became parents. I just feel bad for him, as he deserves someone who looks at him the way I think he looks at me.

I don't even know if there is a way to gently speak to him about how I feel? I doubt there is. I'm trying to br the perfect wife to him and mum to our dc, but deep down I just don't feel right a lot of the time. When he was passionately kissing me yesterday, I just wished it would stop. I really hate feeling this way.

OP posts:
rosabug · 19/08/2017 10:04

Hi OP. I think it's great you are asking yourself these questions. I think this might point to some problems you may have with intimacy and maybe some individual counselling might help - maybe - certainly wouldn't hurt. However, more prosaically - I've no doubt that if your partner started having a flirty relationship at work you would soon start to respond to him differently. But what is good here is that you do recognise how dear he is to you - work to fight and understand this before it destroys your relationship as it did with mine (him, not me with this issue). Watch this video from the amazing Ester Perel - it's bang on about desire in LTRs.

Original poster
longingformore · 19/08/2017 10:13

Thank you, I'm pleased others seem to understand. I will definitely watch that video as well, thanks.

I'm definitely not leaving him, I just can't ignore how I'm feeling any longer.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 19/08/2017 10:14

OP, as somebody who as dated some extremely physically attractive men, I really long for a man like your husband with substance. There's really not much more to men with perfect abs and a face that makes you weak at the knees if they don't have had substance to back it up.

I guess what I'm trying to say it, I've been with guys who I desire physically, but it's those ones who leave me satisfied on that much deeper level, like your husband, who really captivate you.

I hope you get past this ❤️ it sounds like you have something really lovely there to salvage.

TokenGinger · 19/08/2017 10:16

*has

P.s. That wasn't intended to sound gloaty about the extremely physically attractive men. I'm just a regular, size 12, jelly belly girl who first looked at these men showing me attention is disbelief thinking oh wow they're way too good for me. But I soon realised a man is only as good as the heart he has inside of him.

Original poster
longingformore · 19/08/2017 10:37

I don't think that at all, token! It's nice to have some reminding of how fortunate I am to have dh. Everything else on our relationship is great, it's just this one thing.

I think all I can do is work on myself and try to get that spark back. But even if it never really returns, I have a kind, funny and devoted husband which is the most important thing.

OP posts:
Sleephead1 · 19/08/2017 10:54

Op ive been with my husband since i was 19 and am now 32. I had similar at first eg people thinking i was better looking. We have been together so long but i did have relationships and sex with other people before i was with him and sometimes i crave that feeling when its so new and so exciting, your nervous and giddy. Last christmas i went in to town a few days before christmas and was walking down the street and felt someone looking at me it was a man i had a bit of a thing with when we where 18ish. I felt my heart hammering in my chest , my legs felt wobbly. I just kept walking but i wanted to stop, i would never cheat and felt shit about feeling that way but it was so strong and maybe i had sort of forgotten about that feeling. It just hit me really strong and a felt weird for a while afterwards. I dont know what to advise as in one way its normal i think but then ive seen people on hear say they have been together so long and still fancy them so much. Maybe they are really lucky in that they get both? I dont know

user1488575338 · 19/08/2017 10:59

A man is only as good as the heart inside him - brilliant and so true.

EmeraldIsle100 · 19/08/2017 12:55

I will play devil's advocate here to give you food for thought which might jolt you a bit.

If you care about him so much why don't you tell him how you feel. He deserves a fulfilling sex life with someone who fancies him madly and wants to rip his clothes off. When you tell him he would then know the reality of his marriage and could leave you and have a satisfying sex life with someone else. He could still be a brilliant father.

If the only reason you are not being honest is that you think married parents are the best for your child you are wrong. Deep down you don't fancy him. Is that really going to change? You also deserve a good sex life. Mabe consult with a sexual therapist to try to understand what is really going on.

I think you know you are not sexually attracted to him and married him for security. He deserves to know this.

I hope you don't think I am being harsh on you. It's really obvious from your post how troubling this situation is for you. Honesty is sometimes the best policy.

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