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Original poster

husband on escort sites

44 replies

chinadoll17 · 17/08/2017 23:50

Hi, I’m new on here. I found this site while looking for Adultwork. There seems to be a lot of wives and girlfriends affected by this awful site. I found my husband has/had an account on there. I have been married 4 years. We are senior citizens (yes, even old men use this site!). This is my 4th marriage, not as bad as it sounds, divorced from an abusive man when young and then 2 subsequent happy marriages to lovely men, who both died. My present husband was very loving and attentive before we were married. Soon after the wedding however he changed (I suspect he had been doing the ‘love bombing’ I’ve read about). He withholds sex, intimacy and affection. He won’t even sit with me on the sofa. Always sits the other side of the room, unlike before we were married. Anyway some time ago I saw an email from Adultwork and also another from Adultway (this doesn’t seem to be so well known). I’d never heard of these but thought it sounded dodgy, so questioned him about it.

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Original poster
chinadoll17 · 17/08/2017 23:51

. He said it was a porn site and that he had just viewed a few pics and a video of a couple having normal sex. Just the once. I hate porn but accepted this. However, there were more emails from this site. One sent a new password, like they do when you have forgotten one, so he had been on there before obviously. There were various emails from both sites as receipts for credits he had bought. I was still a bit in the dark, but having read the comments on here I had a good look round Adultwork. I was horrified to see it was full of escorts!

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Original poster
chinadoll17 · 17/08/2017 23:51

There’s webcamming, phone sex etc. The photos and videos are not as he led me to believe, they are the escorts advertising their ‘wares’. Adultway was more difficult to find but when I did, it looked like it is a directory of prostitutes.
I have to confront him but going on past experience he will probably deny it all, and say I imagined it or I am to blame or I am mad.

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Original poster
chinadoll17 · 17/08/2017 23:52

He has been married twice before, he first wife died, and his second left him. She accused him of seeing prostitutes and he said she was mad.
To sum up we have never lived together, his excuse was he was selling his house, which he now is, but I am not allowed to go there uninvited. I did once and he was very cross. I have only been there 6 times mostly half an hour on Christmas Eve to pick up presents. He stays here sometimes but that has got less and less.

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Original poster
chinadoll17 · 17/08/2017 23:53

Sorry this is long, but I wanted to show the situation. What do others think he was doing on Adultwork, he is in debt and I don’t think he could afford an escort but would do the webcam sex or phone sex. I know you can’t know, but going on what I have said. He can be a very convincing liar. I don’t know if he is still on there. He hides everything now. I don’t know his username or password. I have never seen his computer. I am so angry, hurt and upset! Sorry this was too long and I have had to split the message up.

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DianaMitford · 18/08/2017 00:11

I think he's thoroughly deceitful, lying to you and has no intention of giving up his lifestyle of porn and potentially prostitutes.

Not living with/being welcomed into his home is a massive red flag. Added to which, he is clearly active on sites advertising sexual services.

I'm not sure that you could get a set of circumstances more ideal for leaving him immediately. Don't waste any more time on him, he isn't worth it.

Shoxfordian · 18/08/2017 07:39

I think he's lying to you as well. He doesn't show you any affection and it's likely he's been visiting sex workers. I don't think this is a relationship you can save

Princesspinkgirl · 18/08/2017 16:43

Lying to u deffo

Fudgit · 18/08/2017 16:50

That sounds deeply upsetting, I'm shocked that your husband won't let you go to his house unannounced too! What right does he have to treat you like that, as his wife? You're supposed to be sharing a life.

The prostitution thing is just awful, clearly he's not a nice man by any stretch of the imagination and I'm so sorry you were taken in like that and then treated so coldly and horribly.

You were very brave to embark on a fourth marriage and it sounds as if you've been through a lot one way and another. You're obviously a really strong person and you will get through this. I can say for certain that there just isn't any point trying to stick it out with this man, get counselling or fix it in any way. He isn't who you thought he was, please don't put yourself through anymore of this rubbish with him. Flowers

inlectorecumbit · 18/08/2017 16:50

Cut your losses now and be careful that his debt doesn't become your debt.
Don't let him move in- send him back to his own house (loveshack) change your locks and separate any joint finances asap.

Pantryboy · 18/08/2017 17:12

OP get rid of this horrible man you deserve so much better

altiara · 18/08/2017 18:09

Don't let him move in, he might be using the house sale to pay off his debt!

WingsofNylon · 18/08/2017 18:40

You have concrete evidence of his cheating on you so get out and don't even give him a chance to lie to you.

Original poster
chinadoll17 · 18/08/2017 19:44

Thank you everyone for your input and support. I know the marriage is over and I no longer want to stay in it. He totally deceived me before we were married, then the real ‘him’ started to emerge. I’ve always thought the house business was strange, even to this day, if my ‘unauthorised’ visit is mentioned he gets angry and says I had no right to do it.
I haven’t worried about the finances before, as they are completely separate, funnily enough, I never changed my name at the bank, perhaps something inside was telling me not to. I am to due to see my financial advisor in 2 weeks, my son is coming with me. I shall have to discuss it with him and get some protection. I looked into the debt situation, and was told if he incurred the debts before I married him, then I can never be liable. They were before so hope I will be alright.

husband on escort sites
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Original poster
chinadoll17 · 18/08/2017 19:47

I own my bungalow outright, and as he has never lived here, I hope he can’t touch that in a divorce.
He keeps telling me he loves me and calls me darling, but words are cheap, and I know they just sound empty. He does mess with my head though.
I wonder if I am getting this right, he comes here twice a week and we go out to the cinema and a country music club. He is always late, not just ½ an hour but 2- 3 hours every time. He never has an explanation or says sorry. I am thinking he is back there not able to tear himself away from the porn. Am I silly thinking that? He tells me porn is just like little boys playing with their toys. Anyway, this is more than porn.

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Original poster
chinadoll17 · 18/08/2017 19:48

Another thing I found he had a profile on Ashley Madison (the affair site) he said he hadn’t done it, someone else must have got in his computer and set it up. He must think I came down with the last shower! He got angry and said I had no right to see his emails anyway. Didn’t care that I was upset at what I had found, just tried to make me feel guilty.

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MyfatheristheKing · 18/08/2017 19:54

Generally the credits will be used for webcams, phone, photos or videos buying items. Escorts usually will take cash and not through AW as they take a large cut. Red flags that he still has this other place and you aren't welcome. The Ashley Maddison thing too isn't good!! Why are you with him? You deserve better

Original poster
chinadoll17 · 18/08/2017 20:07

-------
Just a point if it’s not too rude. He told me when he watches porn he never masturbates or even gets an erection. I don’t believe it. Why pay for something that has no effect.

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Fudgit · 18/08/2017 22:20

He sounds completely weird, porn is like little boys playing with their toys? And presumably the escorts are little more than toys to him too Sad.

I have to say it sounds like you have quite a strange setup even before you found out what he was up to. Why have you accepted his arriving two-three hours late every night he comes over? It just doesn't sound like anything I would recognise as a marriage. Anyway it sounds as if you've made the decision to end it, which is a very good thing. Onwards and upwards now Flowers.

Original poster
chinadoll17 · 18/08/2017 23:51

Yes, I believe he has no respect for women. I know I have been way too patient and let him get away with bad behaviour. Not always, but when I have called him out on any of it he manages to turn it all round on me, I am imagining it and make up scenarios in my head. He conveniently ‘forgets’ things he’s said, the times I’ve said, I wished I had recorded conversations. My 2 grown-up children say it’s not a marriage and have been telling me to leave for sometime, that was before they knew about the porn and escorts. My daughter now knows it all, and says I should leave right now. My son knows about the porn but not the escorts as I only realised fully what was involved last week and he is on holiday. I shall be out by the time he returns next week.

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SandyY2K · 19/08/2017 00:02

Listen to your children and end this marriage. This man would become a real liability if he lived with you and you'd regret the day you met him.

There's a reason he doesn't want you to show up unannounced at his house. He has plenty to hide.

Be glad you found out before he moved into your house.

Please make sure you have a will and everything is left to your children, otherwise he would be the next of kin and beneficiary by default.

He sounds like a horrible man. Get divorced quickly.

Fudgit · 19/08/2017 00:08

He's probably messed with your boundaries and made you question your own judgement. None of what you've described is normal, acceptable, part of a loving relationship etc. Try not to second guess yourself anymore, he's just been manipulating you and is clearly a very unpleasant character.

Thankfully it sounds as if you're in a fairly strong financial position, do get some legal advice though and cut the ties as soon as you can so you can put this behind you. It sounds as if it's been miserable. Look after yourself.

SandyY2K · 19/08/2017 00:08

The only reason he was on Ashley Madison was for women. I don't know what his chances would be though, because men outnumber women on AM.

Please have your children for support in case he gets nasty.

Original poster
chinadoll17 · 19/08/2017 18:59

------------
I am alright financially so that is not a worry. I never got around to changing my will when we married so my husband is not in it. I kept meaning to but didn’t, maybe the voice inside again.
As far as Ashley Madison is concerned, I saw all his profile. He had put all his sexual preferences in, but not contacted anyone. I know why, after you sign up that is when they tell you the cost. It is £50 upfront just to reply to some messages, he couldn’t afford it I know so gave I think. His profile was still active though when I found it last year, but he then deleted it, not because I asked him to, I think it was because it wasn’t much use to him and he got caught.
Another thing I have been putting up with, I am only allowed an hour phone call at night, it has to be when he is ready which is hardly ever earlier than midnight. I have asked him many times to be earlier but it never is. I am beginning to realize he is controlling me.

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Moanyoldcow · 19/08/2017 19:12

I believe that a marriage will invalidate a will which pre-dates its existence so I would talk to your solicitor asap.

I hope you have the strength to leave him asap.

Original poster
chinadoll17 · 19/08/2017 20:00

Thank you for the info about the will. I didn't realize that, I will get on to it asap.

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