Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overthinking?

27 replies

Goinglala66 · 17/08/2017 16:51

I'll try and be brief... I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. I'm 50 he's 53. He had a horrific heartbreak at 49 and tried to kill himself, lost his job and generally really lost it.
We get on brilliantly and have a great sex life etc. He is loving and sweet, but occasionally needs his space and we don't see each other for a couple of days. I love him and have told him so. He told me right at the beginning of our relationship that he didn't want to ever let himself get back to where he was before and that he would never love again.
My question is, we have had a couple of deep and meaningful chats and I got slightly paranoid that he was chatting to a girl he knows and I acted a bit of the crazy paranoid girlfriend....just couldn't help myself. He told me I was turning into someone he didn't like, and then told me he was pretty sure he would never love me like I love him. He is a bit controlling, but I'm usually very strong and it's not a problem.
I'm just trying to work out if I need to just take the fact we are usually fantastic together and get on with it, and one day he may say those words (he is very lovely about me and how much he cares and likes me) or am I kidding myself. I am 50 and a total romantic, we have a better relationship than most people I know, but I'm in head fuck city at the moment.
Anyone understand me ramblings and got any advice?

OP posts:
Jellyheadbang · 17/08/2017 16:54

Chatting to other 'girls' (women?) a bit controlling , can't love you the way you need to be loved...
He's been very straight with you, if you want to carry on with him accept what he's offering and don't hope for more.
If you want more you will drive yourself mad staying with this guy in the hope he'll commit.

Original poster
Goinglala66 · 17/08/2017 17:02

He wasn't chatting to anyone, I really did overreact with that, which did my own head in, so can only imagine what a crazed nutter I came across like to him.
I guess that's the short and long. Get on with it, or move on if I can't accept.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/08/2017 17:09

Can you accept not being loved by him?

He's being clear that he has his walls up and will never give you his heart. He also doesn't want your heart either. I can't see how that reconciles with being a romantic.

Unless you have a "take it or leave it attitude" with him. You'll be disappointed and heartbroken in the end.

thestamp · 17/08/2017 17:09

I don't think it's great to be "a total romantic" at any time of your life. Usually, what that means is, "I let people treat me in ways that don't make me feel good because I love them". That's not a positive trait sorry. I suggest you work on changing that.

This guy has been really straight with you that he doesn't love you and won't ever feel as much for you as you do for him. The fact that he hasn't said "I love you" isn't the issue at all. It's the fact he's actually told you that he thinks he never will.

He's also controlling, to the extent that you have to be "strong" in order to deal with him.

In short, this sounds like a shit relationship where you have settled for crumbs off the table, instead of a whole, deep, loving, reciprocal relationship.

If you're OK with that, keep going. Personally, I think you should bin him and start asking yourself why you settle for someone who doesn't love you and has literally said he never will love you. Said it to your face even! Not sure how you can feel ok with that, particularly when you call yourself a romantic...

Putyourhandsintheair · 17/08/2017 17:10

But he hasn't said those words to you in two years and , if he can be believed, he has no intention of loving you or even trying to. Is that enough for you? If it is then that's great but if it isn't then you're going to get hurt. Do you feel he is committed to the relationship that you do have or was part of the fear that he was talking to someone else the fact that you don't believe he is committed and telling the truth when he says he doesn't want that kind of relationship; i.e. He may want that relationship but not with you.
If he had a major trauma 4 years ago he may not be completely recovered and so might be changing how he feels about his life as he heals.

Original poster
Goinglala66 · 17/08/2017 17:18

He said right when we started he could never let himself get to that place again, as he wouldn't recover again. He means love obviously. As much as it's not great, I've always been fine with it as he is very loving. I just don't know if I'm concerned as I seem to be having paranoia overload about everything, I fell very insecure, always have, do I just need a different relationship, although I love him and we are great together. AAAAHHHHHH!

OP posts:
Putyourhandsintheair · 17/08/2017 17:24

He's been honest with you. It boils down to whether you want to be in a relationship where you feel more than he does. I think I would struggle with that.

I think if you feel more than he does then it's inevitable that you are going to be insecure. You are more invested, the relationship is worth more to you.
What would your advice to a friend be if they were saying all this to you?

PollytheDolly · 17/08/2017 17:35

Not for me. Is it for you OP?

Original poster
Goinglala66 · 17/08/2017 17:46

I don't know, I would be giving up a lovely guy, who is fun and great company.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 17/08/2017 17:57

There's more than him about who would love you back but also there could be something else? What happened to him to make him feel this way? I'm asking because my DH was like this when I first met him. He couldn't say the love word in case it all went wrong. He was in a toxic, abusive relationship for many years previously.

You go ahead with this man, you may get what you need but it's going to be really hard work. In my case, it was worth it. I'm truly loved but there's a lot of soul searching on your own part, being hard, etc. Honestly, it's hard work like I said and ongoing.

PollytheDolly · 17/08/2017 17:59

So I said not for me. Lol. I know what's ahead for you that's why I said that x

thestamp · 17/08/2017 18:00

But you feel paranoid and insecure and always have when it comes to him though?

It's not meant to be this fraught op. It's meant to be happy and smooth.

I mean you can keep going with it if you want to, but it does seem a waste of effort that you have to basically stuff down your feelings in order to be with him. No?

Nellyphants · 17/08/2017 18:03

You're always going to be on the back foot here? He's never going to love you. It's hurting you. I'd prefer to be single than constantly wondering.

butterfly56 · 17/08/2017 18:08

Feeling very insecure in a relationship saps your emotional and physical energy. It's a one way relationship as far as feelings go.
He's basically controlling the relationship by telling you what he is not prepared to do long term.
This type of personality thrive on their partner's insecurity and are adept at keeping the other person on the back foot whilst still maintaining a front of being loving and kind.
Your gut feeling is telling you that something is not right with the situation.
You are right to question the relationship.

TheNaze73 · 17/08/2017 18:21

Fun and great company? You'd be settling. You sound like you need more than that

underthebluemoon · 17/08/2017 18:30

Ultimately you want different things. And if the relationship ends he will say 'but I told you from the start that I would never love again' and you will be left kicking yourself for the time you spent hoping he would get on the same page. Sorry OP.

Naicehamshop · 17/08/2017 18:46

What if he meets someone else a bit further down the line, and suddenly realises that he can fall in love again - just not with you?

Don't settle, op. Flowers

Original poster
Goinglala66 · 18/08/2017 08:44

Thank you for all the advice. I think he is controlling and ultimately this is the thing that he holds the most in control. His last relationship was horrific and he just lost everything and didn't want to carry on with life. He tells me how I have changed his world and got him back to the person he was, but he just can't let himself lose control of himself again. I know my insecurities can't let me see straight about him at the moment. I just have to sit tight for a couple of days and see if I can work out what I really want from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goinglala66 · 18/08/2017 08:49

I also think he may have slight depression and he is also going through a bit of a low at the moment, as there was some news about his ex last week that may have rocked him a bit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Goinglala66 · 18/08/2017 08:51

Great summary of his personality butterfly56

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 18/08/2017 08:59

I would walk away OP. You have already wasted 2 years- I say wasted because even though you have fun an are good together, you haven't got out of this what you ultimately need. Don't waste another 2.

Original poster
Goinglala66 · 18/08/2017 09:40

It hasn't been a wasted 2 years, its been great. I also get bored easily and he probably keeps me interested because I haven't quite got him yet.
Possibly if I did I'd not want him.......I'm not sure that is a good thing to admit, oh bugger, where is my head at!!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 18/08/2017 10:44

So, recognise that this is unequal, and change the dynamic. Make sure you really accept that it is just for fun, you could walk away at any point, he won't be with you in your old age. You can't rely on him.

When you believe that, you will be less bothered by jealousy and possessiveness- it's clear he isn't yours, you are just killing time together. If you convince yourself, you can then choose to keep the friendship if you want to.

However, while you still care more than him, it will be very destructive for you.

rosabug · 18/08/2017 22:48

This is a tricky one - I feel for your predicament. I can also understand why he may feel this way, he must have been in a truly horrendous place. However there must be another side to his story, just because someone has been through a relationship trauma and seems like the victim doesn't mean they were not complicit in some way. I'm saying i probably think this person he's presenting was always there on some level. The way he turned on you because of your paranoia is telling, it means he will likely give you no room to be fallible. He is setting the parameters, but as others have said - he is being honest, even if I think some people use 'honesty' as a form of manipulation. As someone said "If he has shown you who he is - believe him" so when in this type of confusion I think it is best to take it the situation at face value. Don't waste your time and energy trying to solve him. I would place a bet he will check-mate you at every attempt. You say you are strong - but for how long ? You are been chipped away at already.

Another solution might be to look at it logically. Give yourself a finite period of time. Be cool and perhaps see him a little less. In that time watch him closely and think about what you want to do. More importantly listen to how you are feeling.

Original poster
Goinglala66 · 19/08/2017 08:03

Thank you rosabug I've actually come to that pretty same conclusion myself. I have decided to work on making myself feel better about me, I'm overweight and it makes me unhappy so I'm upping my exercise and diet and decided to not do anything about the situation for 3 months, I'll see how he behaves, how I feel and decide what I want.
Funnily enough I have already stepped back a bit, which has already had the effect of him coming forward.
Thanks for all advice.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread