Am I overthinking?

[Goinglala66]

I'll try and be brief... I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. I'm 50 he's 53. He had a horrific heartbreak at 49 and tried to kill himself, lost his job and generally really lost it.
We get on brilliantly and have a great sex life etc. He is loving and sweet, but occasionally needs his space and we don't see each other for a couple of days. I love him and have told him so. He told me right at the beginning of our relationship that he didn't want to ever let himself get back to where he was before and that he would never love again.
My question is, we have had a couple of deep and meaningful chats and I got slightly paranoid that he was chatting to a girl he knows and I acted a bit of the crazy paranoid girlfriend....just couldn't help myself. He told me I was turning into someone he didn't like, and then told me he was pretty sure he would never love me like I love him. He is a bit controlling, but I'm usually very strong and it's not a problem.
I'm just trying to work out if I need to just take the fact we are usually fantastic together and get on with it, and one day he may say those words (he is very lovely about me and how much he cares and likes me) or am I kidding myself. I am 50 and a total romantic, we have a better relationship than most people I know, but I'm in head fuck city at the moment.
Anyone understand me ramblings and got any advice?

I was in a similar relationship in my 30s. The situation didn't improve because I wanted to love and be loved and get married. It was great in lots of ways but frustrating and I ended up becoming very paranoid as he was never quite 'with me'.

I finally came to my senses and cut my losses. Spent three years on my own before DH pitched up. Eleven years on and I now have a totally different relationship. I have everything I need from DH and have a wonderful life.

Like someone further up said, you have to accept that he will probably never commit in the full sense and this relationship will not take you into old age. If you can't cope with that then you need to cut your losses or you will drive yourself mad.

going lala - yes steeping back a bit will likely induce him to step forward in response ......but it's probably also true that the 'intimacy gap' will always remain the same, so that if you take his steps as proof that his feelings have changed and you step forward again - he will step back in response - always keeping the distance at a level he can 'manage'. I think men are very prone to this and bringing attention to it makes no difference as it's so primal. I think keeping the focus on yourself and your feelings is always the answer. After my failed 20 year relationship ended last year with a man with intimacy issues I think I have learned that talking can often be not as effective as one would think. I always mistakingly believed that if I could solve his issues and explain to him what was happening he would/could change - not so, I underestimated the level of resistance going on. Anyway enough about me! I do think the "I can never love you" is a killing statement and if you settle with that it could get very confidence draining for you. It wouldn't surprise me that at some later date he does fall 'in love' - but with someone who it's not possible to have a close relationship with (she's providing the intimacy gap) - someone who brings 'drama' which he reads as being in love. You need someone who understands and recognises grown up love and it's value. Clearly you are capable of this - don't undervalue this in yourself. I suspect he had a lot more to do with the horror of his previous relationship than he is capable of admitting. Good luck, please PM me if you would like.