Dumped; strategies for coping while we still cohabit & beyond

[coffeeslave]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a vent and a bit of a plea for advice & hand-holding.

So my 20s & early 30s were a disaster in terms of relationships. I internet dated for 10 years () and aged 34 I met a great man. Within 2 years we'd bought a house together. I was extremely grateful that I'd waited - good things come to those who wait, right? And I told lots of people in their 30s not to worry, the right man will come along eventually. Etc etc.

So now I'm 40 and I've been dumped.

I am heartbroken. I really thought our relationship was "it". But he doesn't want to be with me and although I still love him I have to accept it.

As we co-own, we're still living together while we sort the house out. I am going to buy him out, but he's found somewhere to live and will be moving soon. We're sleeping in separate rooms.

I am not really coping with living with him, AND the idea of him moving out. He WFH so has always done most of the laundry & cooking. He's still doing all these things, and is asking me every day what I want for dinner like normal. Part of me wants him to carry on, part of me wants him to stop it because it's not as if we're together any more, is it?

I am trying to be out most evenings but I'm still spending maybe an hour or so with him when I get in. We watch TV together like normal. It's painful but comforting. I feel very conflicted. Should I be hiding in my room? Should I be telling HIM to go out? (He has few friends and no hobbies to take him out of the house)

Sorry, this is very disjointed but I guess I'm asking:

1. How to cope while we're still living together? (There are no kids)

2. Will I ever have a relationship again? I'm 40, I'm greying, my body is, well, a 40-year-old's body. I have memory problems. I just don't think anyone will want me. Will I have to do online dating for 10 years like I did before - honestly it was awful enough in my 20s & 30s. The 40-something men I've seen on online dating all seem kinda unappealing

I feel so sad because my ex-partner never wanted to get married, and after a lot of soul-searching I decided I would rather be with him unmarried than try to find someone else who was interested in marriage. Now he's dumped me and I feel duped.

Sorry to be all disjoined but I'm very sad and not really looking forward to the future.

I realise I'm being really hypocritical when I say I'm greying and have a 40-year-old's body but that 40-something men on online dating seem unappealing

I guess I mean personality- and grown-up-ness wise.

I'm nearing 50.
I'm now OLD for the first time.
It's quite fun actually.

But..... I watch my weight.
I have my hair dyed blonde every 6 weeks.
I dress well.
I don't look my age.
You can improve all the things you want to.
Work out the gym etc....
At 40 you have loads of time to date etc...
I joined a few meetup.com groups as well.
I'm out tomorrow night with one lot so we will see how that goes.

I also had to live with my ExH for 6 months.
It was hell.
I spent a lot of time at the gym or out with friends or family.
I just kept busy.

hellsbellsmelons I do go to the gym 3-5 times pw but I'm still sagging and stuff. And wrinkling!

I feel really sad that if I ever get married now I'll be a 40- or 50-something first-time bride. When my sister got married at 39 for the first time, loads of people assumed it was her second marriage. I'm even older (and I'm not even near getting married)

I go out a lot but I don't tend to meet people "in real life", I never have. Hence the 10 years of internet dating

Sorry for your situation OP, its never an easy one to be in

I think you already know that these routines need changing, all youre doing is delaying cutting that final string and admitting its all done with, good luck. Start cooking your own meals and doing your own laundry, if you can not because you dont want to, if he offers just say 'no thank you Ive got it sorted'

I wish you well on the dating side I have no advice to give there, probably need some advice myself these days

Good luck OP Ive been in that situation and know how draining it can be

JustAnotherPoster00 Yep I do need to, it's just..... I guess I'm hanging onto the past. And he offers because I think he feels terribly guilty about dumping me (he's handling alllllll the split admin as he doesn't want me to have to do any of it).

I wish I could feel more angry at him. His guilt and resulting willingness to do things for me make it really hard. I did tell him last night that I think he's a f*cking bellend though.

I'm sorry you are in this position but want to tell you my "older" first time bride experience so it is one less thing for you to worry about...

I got married 2 years ago (first time bride) at the age of 46. I worried about looking stupid, and wanted a really simple dress and everything low key for that reason.

I trusted the lady in the bridal shop who said she would put me in her choices to see how I felt........ I came away with an amazing strapless A line "proper" wedding gown who my grown up daughters also loved and from then on no more low key.

Had a beach wedding and soooooo many compliments even from strangers and I felt like a princess.

(I had been with DH for 28 years so not quite the same situation, but the wedding thing really shouldn't worry you right now)

yecartmannew Thank you for your experience and you're right, I am daft for even thinking about it! I guess I'm fixating on it a bit because I feel so duped

What's his reasons for dumping you coffee???

He is a bellend you are not wrong. He robbed you of those years that you could have been with someone else. Wtf is he looking for now?

You will be fine, I think OLD has improved recently however there is a lot of pitfalls, there are lots of other options out there on the dating front. Joining groups that interest you is one of them.

Mustang27

Oh god if I tell you you'll all start saying cherchez la femme but I don't think it's an affair. I think it's a midlife crisis:

1. Doesn't love me
2. Doesn't fancy me any more (we haven't had sex for a while and I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn't discuss it)
3. This isn't the life he wants

etc etc

I genuinely don't think he's having an affair. He has pretty much checked out of the romantic relationship though. I insisted we go to Relate for a session but it wasn't nice, hearing him talk dispassionately about us. It's not saveable. I'm gutted.

I'm gutted for you too . Do you have some good friends? lean on them and just let bellend move on.

If you don't have any decent gfs, I'd recommend sorting that out first. Iv known my best friend only two years but I'd literally jump in front of a bus for her, all my mates were blokes up to this point. One decent female friend makes up for 10 useless blokes lol.

Luckily I have tons of friends, male and female. I know a lot of people via Twitter and more from the gym. I've managed to be busy almost every evening seeing people or going to the gym since this happened. Thanks god for my friends (and my IFA!) who are seeing me through this!

I still haven't told my (stately homes) mum as she will be furious (with me). Not sure when I'll be able to tell her, or how.

I wish I had more advice to offer coffee but just know that you have all my sympathy

Good luck with your mum and just ignore any negativity she throws at you about this.

I'm glad you are staying busy that will be helping you won't be able to heal and move until he is out though.

Just tell your mother that the relationship wasn't working and you've decided to split up. Keep repeating that (it sounds as though it was true anyway, if sex was becoming an issue). Don't give her any more ammunition to use against you. Don't tell her that he dumped you (it's the quick way to get a load of invective about how useless you've always been).

'The relationship wasn't working, and we've decided to split up.' Repeat after me...

Huge sympathies, coffee. Hope you get through it all soon.

I wish it was that simple with my mum. She will blame me, especially if I tell her it wasn't working. My last "big" relationship in my 20s, he cheated on me, and she still asked me if I couldn't phone him up and ask him "to forgive [me]". Sadly she's a misogynist who believes men are sacred angels 😞

I hope everyone doesn't mind me updating for a bit.

Last night I totally lost it and screamed at him for about 15 minutes. I think I've finally found my anger

He is moving out next Wednesday and the house is full of boxes. The mattress for his new bed arrived yesterday. I didn't come home until 8.30pm, ate my dinner and tried to go to bed, but I started crying and then totally lost it. I ended up kicking the chair he was sitting in (otherwise I would have kicked him).

It's just so fucking unfair. How dare he do this The next few days when he's packing are going to be so hard

Oh coffee it's so hard I just don't get how he can just plod along thinking it's ok to put you through this prolonged agony.

Is there somewhere you can go whilst he does this? Just for a few days?

Oh and as for your mum I'm sorry she is a prize twat too.

Sounds utterly shit in every way.

The future will be so so much better than this. Just wish there was a fast forward button in life (that dates me).

Hope the weather is ok where you are and you can get some fresh air today.

It's better he dose this now than 10 yrs later when he's leaving you with 2 kids and huge bills from a wedding....he was always going to do this...he's clearly the type that strings people along ...probably why he wouldn't marry you..you are well rid..no more tears look to yr future...you could advertise for lodgers to move in ,help pay the bills...or rent out the house and go travelling for a year ..this your big opportunity to do exactly what you want,with no one holding you back..you go girl.x

coffee in any case, him moving out will put an end to this episode. It is painful to go through a break, but it's time to have closure with him going out and start a new episode. At 40, singlehood can still be enjoyable , you can do anything you want, date anyone you want. Good thing you are working out and re-focusing on yourself. Stay tough and happy!

I'm glad you've found your anger.
You are moving on with the grief.
But you can go back and forth with all the stages so look out for them.
Cry when you need to.
Don't bottle things up.
Just get through each day now until he leaves.
It will be hard but you can do this.

Ref buying him out - is this being done via a solicitor, you should be receiving all copies of paper work and you may need to pay some money. Do you know how much the mortgage will be in the future and you will need to put all the bills and insurances into your name. I would suggest making a to do list. Take one day at a time. Take control

If you are in UK you can get single person council tax reduction, I don't think you can back date, so apply ASAP

40 is not old, the future will be different to what you hoped, but I bet in a few years it will be infinitely better. Let your family and friends help you