Am I being used?

[goatscheesevegan]

I thought I was falling for the safe bet. I knew I was considered "out of his league" a fantasy for him. He was "the nice guy who just wants to be friends genuinely if he can't have more"

Fast forward and I start entertaining the idea of being in a relationship and he has got incredibly serious picking out desire for children as the incompatible part.

There's so many other reasons why I think we are probably incompatible if we were able to discuss it - culture, religion, things that impact far more than hypothetical children when you're getting to know somebody

I slept with him.

Now this hypothetical incompatibility seems to be his focus. However he really doesn't know me well enough to make a decision on me purely for that

So is he just looking for the door now we've been intimate?

I feel like if he genuinely liked me, he'd surely be interested in discussing the other reasons why we are or aren't compatible and at least "seeing how things go over time"

To shut it down based on something so heavy so early seems bizarre

So you both have reasons for thinking you are incompatible.

This isn't working for either of you.

Better ended as soon as you know that, rather than lingering on when both of you could instead be finding someone who is a better match.

I don't understand?

He doesn't want children so therefore he's cooled things off?

I don't blame him.

He hasn't done anything wrong. Wanting/not wanting children is a deal breaker in most relationships and if you two got together one of you would end up resenting the other. You resenting him for not giving you children, or him resenting you for falling pregnant and keeping the baby when you knew he didn't want any.

You chose to sleep with him knowing how he felt.

You aren't compatible. Move on and find someone who else wants the same things as you

In terms of hanging out and generally spending time talking...

We get on wonderfully

But he's guarded about all the other reasons that I would actually like to know that I assume could be why we might be incompatible

If I see him - he gets physical quickly

If we talk for long - he gets sexual

Yet now, "we should be friends because... children"

However I know if I went out with him today we probably would end up having sex. He shared a really deep fantasy with me "because he desired me that much and had never wanted to with anyone else"

Yet he just wants to be friends. Now... and after these things happen

You thought you were out of his league and he wanted sex. He got the sex but doesn't want a relationship. Sorry you've been played.

I'd say leave him be op. Fantasy and reality are not the same things. You sound incompatible and with it being this early on I'd say cut your losses and move on. It shouldn't be this difficult to navigate so early on.

No he doesn't know if he wants children, he doesn't want them now.

Neither do I, now. Maybe in future.

But I'm not the one pushing things sexually in practice. I'd rather have a dating relationship and see if a relationship was one children could work in later on... when you've got to the point of knowing someone well enough to know if you want a long term commitment

You started on a stupid premise, basically. The 'league' thing is bollocks if you're talking about considering yourself better looking than him. That just isn't relevant in terms of whether or not he will want to be with you long term, or whether he could hurt you in future.

My an ex of my DH shouted this at him when he ended their relationship, that he wasn't allowed to leave her as she was 'so much fitter than him'. He hadn't even been aware she felt that she was out of his league!

@Penfold007 that's what I'm worried about.

He wants to be "best friends" and not lose my friendship apparently.

But as friends... he keeps sleeping with me. Getting sexual

But he doesn't want a relationship because... children

Argh it's quite clear isn't it.

He just doesn't come across as using me that I have to take it into a clear space to see this

He 'pushes things' sexually?

Yes, you are being used.

Yep and yet we have the "I hope you don't think I'm using you" discussion.

I'm an idiot.

I thought he was someone I'd actually make pretty happy by liking them back genuinely

Oh, and the 'he keeps sleeping with me' thing is just weird. You do have a say in the matter, you know.

Goatscheesevegan I'm sorry but he's giving you the script. You are worth more than this.

Nemmind OP. Chalk it up, move on

What was the deep fantasy that he never wanted to share with anyone else ?

Sounds like he just wanted to get in your knickers and now he has done, he's not up for commitment.

An age old story regardless of which 'league' you're both in.

Apparently even if you rate yourself, men still take advantage - who knew?!

I bet he's shared his deep fantasy with every woman he's been with and told her she's the only one. I wonder how many fall for it?

@AnyFucker already feel like enough of an idiot without embarrassing myself for believing that

He sounds well dodgy. And you 'get on wonderfully' because he's playing you like a cheap fiddle.

"I'd rather have a dating relationship and see if a relationship was one children could work in later on..."

But he doesn't want this. And his approach is just as valid as yours.

He's already decided. Now, how much longer do you want to keep flogging a dead horse?

Yep. I have basically cheapened myself being from another culture and less religious where sex is just something you can do if you want to do it.

I wanted to therefore I did.

Yeah, the "I've never told anyone else this.... but you're so sexy/special" thing is a total line. I know this because I was played by it too! Was a long time ago so I can laugh about it now but it does make you feel stupid. Chalk it up to experience. And run.

I don't want to flag a dead horse. I don't want a "friendship" with a man who is using me

Just couldn't quite work it out alone so bluntly hence my post

This website might be useful to you

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

I think you need to work out why you want to tie up your life with someone who has told you he's not that interested in you. And that might help you move on towards a relationship with a genuinely available man.

Ok, fair enpugh

I was just being nosey really

He sounds like he doesn't want anything more than sex. That's ok of course if he was perfectly clear about it. So he either wasn't perfectly clear or you have taken the shagging stick and run away with it.

Yes. I foolishly believed that out of the pool he was the one who was besotted

You sound very conceited TBH and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Even if you are better looking than him, that doesn't necessarily mean that he will fall head over heels for you. It would be a very shallow relationship if he was just with you because of your looks. I don't think that he has done much wrong here.