Am I being used?

[goatscheesevegan]

I thought I was falling for the safe bet. I knew I was considered "out of his league" a fantasy for him. He was "the nice guy who just wants to be friends genuinely if he can't have more"

Fast forward and I start entertaining the idea of being in a relationship and he has got incredibly serious picking out desire for children as the incompatible part.

There's so many other reasons why I think we are probably incompatible if we were able to discuss it - culture, religion, things that impact far more than hypothetical children when you're getting to know somebody

I slept with him.

Now this hypothetical incompatibility seems to be his focus. However he really doesn't know me well enough to make a decision on me purely for that

So is he just looking for the door now we've been intimate?

I feel like if he genuinely liked me, he'd surely be interested in discussing the other reasons why we are or aren't compatible and at least "seeing how things go over time"

To shut it down based on something so heavy so early seems bizarre

Yes the out of his league comment wasn't based on looks alone or one I held.

Prior to anything happening between us it's how he made me feel. He gave me the impression that's how he felt

But as friends... he keeps sleeping with me. Getting sexual

You dont have to sleep with him. You are not a bystander. If you dont want to sleep with him, then dont.

All this 'out of his league' stuff is silly. It sounds like you wanted him just because you thought he wouldnt get an better than you and so he would cling to you.

He has been clear. There isnt going to be a romantic relationship. Stop having sex with him.

Your opening paragraph clearly statea you did hold that view that you held.

I'm sorry you've been played OP. The you're too special/good for me is a line like any other.

OP you stated that you are from a culture where sex is something you you if you want to.
So - no one is playing you. You either want to have sex with him when he approaches your sexually.
Or you don't.
Having sex - a mutual activity - doesn't entitle you to make demands on the relationship.
You can take it or leave it.

You are trying to make a logical argument why he must want to hate a relationship - you are of his league; you slept with him; you bestowing your affection on him should be appreciated, etc.
Doesn't work like this.

He doesn't have to want a relationship. Or explain why he doesn't. It's a feeling.

He doesn't have to want a relationship. I've made no demands

His reasons for wanting to be "good friends" are given as unsure about children. We're not actually in disagreement on that this at this stage therefore I find it strange why this is such a problem and a focus. It's far too early to be discussing children!

If I remain friends it seems the arrangement is probably going to be we end up having sex from time to time. I don't have to have sex with him... but you know, sometimes lonely, attractive company and a good time. I personally have no reason to not have sex if I want to have sex.

However I don't want to be his fuckbuddy friend. He wouldn't easily find one in his culture and religion. I don't want a fuckbuddy. I want a relationship that's leading towards commitment ideally

Time for me to move on and end the friendship. I'm not as special as I hoped I was.

He wouldn't find a fuckbudy in his culture and religion. But, by the sounds of it, when he is ready to settle down, he will do so within his culture and religion. He wants you to be his fling beforehand - definitely using you.

He's not your friend, either. He's spending a bit of time outside of his culture, either studying or in the early part of his career. But he has no intention of staying there, he will go back 'to the fold' and choose a girl from his culture (or have one chosen for him). You see, he has time on his side. Girls from these cultures are encouraged to marry young, he doesn't need to be young, so these years he can spend (I loathe this saying but....) sowing his wild oats.

you've made my day! I clearly need to grow up! We're both nearing 40 and have DC already from previous marriages

Hang on, you both have children, you MAYBE want children one day, but not now, and you're both nearing 40. Don't you think that might have been a tad relevant???

Because firstly, if you're nearing 40, you don't have that long to think about having more children. Secondly, you already both have children, it's unsurprising that he may not want more if he's almost 40.

If with all of this he's focussing just on the children rather than anything else, then he's even more likely seeing you as just a fuck buddy and using this as a convenient excuse, possibly because it's worked for him before.

You've definitely been played.

Bin him now - you've boosted his ego enough.

He's calling it 'staying good friends', but what he means is 'you hang around in case I want to sleep with you again'. At 40, I don't think he's that 'unsure' about having (more?) children, I think he's pretty certain he doesn't want any (more?).

It all sounds a little bit adolescent for me, a bit 'he likes me more than I like him, but I want him to like me more'. Throw him back, OP. Especially if you think 'staying good friends' means you'll end up sleeping together.

"Yep and yet we have the "I hope you don't think I'm using you" discussion. "

Ive had one of those as well - notice that "I hope you dont think im using you" is not the same as "Im not using you".

OP - both of you sound a bit juvenile in this.
People nearing 40 - and with kids already - don't think sound like that.
Being above someone's league - very teenage attitude....
Thinking that he won't find someone for sex - other than you - also.
It's very, very simple.

Anyway - your posts are a little confusing. On the one hand you say - sex with him is nice - when you feel lonely and feel like having sex.
Yet - when he does exactly the same thing to you - you get all offended.
Can't have it both ways.

If I were to guess - from what I read in your writing - this whole thing of you considering yourself a catch and him being less attractive (or smth?) - really got it into your head. So now when he didn't become your admirer in the way you expected - you seem taken aback.

He may have said it - you being above his league - as a way of giving you a compliment, thinking you'd like it.
You clearly took it too seriously.

I had something a little like this with a guy from Kuwait. He did the lovebombing thing, said all the right things and I felt special to him. I made it clear I wanted to wait re sex.

First time I went back to his during the afternoon he became extremely pushy over sex. Eventually I gave in. Had sex and all of a sudden a load of other 'reasons' why we couldn't have a relationship popped up and off he fucked in the meanest possible way.

I so regret giving in. I did consent but it was under a lot of emotional pressure and that made me feel pretty shit and weak.

Please step back from this and get a handle on what's happening with this man before you go any further.

There's something of a pattern here with men from certain countries. A woman in America set up a website to warn others. It's called "Saudi children left behind", but it's more widespread than just that country.