Married men, do they leave their wife for their mistress?

[MayaGol]

What makes them finally take the step and leave? Pressure from the mistress?

MayaGol " I am actually the wife, and trying to figure out what is the pressure she is putting on him"

"He is having some sort of mental breakdown in front of me" I am just sorry your husband is doing this to you. Can you get him to the GP to get some help or his mental health? Do you have kids. Does this woman know what the situation is doing to him?

embarassedbut you've made this man sound like a total shit yet you and his wife seem keen to hang on to him.

I am wondering what it is about these bad men that is so appealing. So sounds exhausting, stalkerish and horrible! What is about us women that finds appeal in these men? Genuine question.

Italiangreyhound my guess is money if he is poor then they are both stupid. I knew a woman who was regularly cheated on and he was useless as a man, a father and a human being. She stuck with him for 20 years he told her about his conquests and she didn't budge until now. She has left him and he is a mess now because she cheated on him in the end and left him. I think some men don't like women for them disrespect them that much.

If a man is good looking and he is fairly intelligent a woman will go for him.

If a man is good looking and he is fairly intelligent a woman will go for him.

Only a woman of no conscious or empathy would go for a taken/married man.

I know two men who did, both were found out by their wives and the wives threw them out. They are both now married to the former mistresses and have had additional children. Also in both cases the first wife was with them from when they were young and didn't have money, the new wife came in when they were older and successful.

Some men don't leave because of the finances. You don't split the money, you decimate your finances. Some just like the thrill of the chase and the affair but wouldn't actually want a real relationship. Some men can't bear to be separated from the kids. Some men are sex addicts or actually love their wives.

I know I've said the exact opposite to your question. Are these reasons for a man to stay worth staying with your husband? I do feel sorry for your husband that he's having a breakdown of some kind. But you've got to save yourself and your children. Sometimes you can't save everyone. The stress and anxiety I imagine you to be feeling is soul destroying.

I think, in general, that they don't tend to leave their wives unless
a) the wife finds out and makes them choose
b) the OW becomes pregnant and they decide to go with her because of the baby - this will depend a lot on children with the wife, if he has any, how old they are etc.
c) their life really IS awful at home and they really WILL be happier with the OW (or think they will) - this is a lot rarer than most men make it out to be but it's not inconceivable!

I agree that financial considerations will be a part of why they stay, but once the wife finds out, it usually becomes minor, because the wife's reaction will be much more of a driver.

Does he know you know? Are you waiting for him to leave, have you asked him to, or are you letting him make his own mind up? This is something he won't want to do because him choosing to leave means he is actively breaking up his family for OW; he'd far rather YOU took the decision and responsibility for it, and threw him out - then he can do the "poor me" thing.

Maya. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's crap, utterly crap.

Without a lot more of the ins & outs it's hard to say, but one big one is making them feel younger & carefree again. It's all dinner in fancy restaurants & lots of sex (sorry 😕). None of the responsibilities of being a husband, father (?), adult living in a house (jobs that need doing). Generally a younger, pretty, sexy thing telling them they're 'so wonderful'. They're selling them a lifestyle that doesn't exist in reality, but generally they're too dim to see that until it's too late.

It sounds like you really want to cling onto your marriage, but is it really worth it if you're with a man who really wants to be with someone else & has cheated on you? Been there, done that, spent ages 'working on it' but I couldn't forgive him, I couldn't forget it - it was hell and I wish I'd just told him to go when I first found out. I wish I'd had MN at the time.

It happened to me. When I was 22, I met a man at work almost twice my age who had a partner of 7 years. It began as flirting and going for lunch together but within weeks he was professing his love for me. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to be the OW - if he wanted to be with me, it would have to be a proper relationship, not an affair. To my utter shock he phoned me the next night and told me he'd left her! We were together for just over a year after that and he turned out to be a misogynist tossbucket so with hindsight I wish he hadn't bothered...

Some men leave their wives.

Often because they have been found out. And the wife kicks him out. Which, imo, still leavea the OW as second choice.

Some men do leave for their mistress.

Depends on :

How good or bad the marriage is.

How the finances would work out

If he sees a future with the OW

How much he wants to stay with the DC

If a husband is indecisive and I was the wife, I'd tell him to go.

Most men really want the wife and the mistress. Not one or the other.

you give him too much power. Any man who cheated on me would be out on his ear, whether he was ready to go to his mistress or not.

trying to figure out what is the pressure she is putting on him

He's an adult right? He gets to choose what to stress about. Is he spineless?

My dad finally left my mum for his OW after 15 years. He had been living with her for most of the week under false pretenses about work for 10 years and my mum just believed his bullshit - not sure if it was cause or effect but she was very unhappy and developed mental health issues. He probably lied to OW as well.

He didn't leave before that because of us kids apparently, but left the year my youngest sister turned 15. It didn't do us any favors, as we knew something was going on and we also thought he hated us and that's why he only came home on Wednesdays and Sundays. Took me a long time to get over it. He should have been honest and fucked off at the start - staying and cheating and lying for so long was utterly toxic.

He eventually married her a few years ago and they are still together now. He's never really been honest about it. I feel sorry for her - she met my dad at 16 and wasted the best years of her life on him.

I should just add, I'm not exactly sure why he left at that point. I think it was because my 15 year old sister announced she was pregnant and therefore no longer a child, so he felt free to go.

Personally, I think my mum should have chucked him out early on. We would have all been better off, financially, emotionally, in every way. It was miserable living in the shadow of deceit.

Me and my DP are both the children of people who had affairs.

My DPs father walked out when DP was a teenager, and married his OW. This absolutely crucified DPs mother who never really got over it. DP has no contact with his father, my son will never meet his grandfather.

My own parents separated following my mother's affair when I was a kid. All parties involved have since been happily remarried for roughly three times as long as my parents were married for. My step father is an absolute gem, my son adores him, and I had the privilege of growing up with my brilliant step brothers who have both now married awesome women I consider close friends.

I can't stand the mistress/vacancy crap that gets peddled on here. It's sexist and often just wrong. Lots of enduring relationships started when one or both partners were attached. Men aren't the prize.

Generally they don't. My dad only ended up with ow because my mum left him.

I think it all depends on the individual circumstances. There really isn't a one size fits all here. It does normally work when they do but, when it goes wrong, it goes spectacularly wrong

I'm sorry you are going through this.

As to your message, I think my mum was able to leave my dad because she was in a position to do so.

My dad was a serial cheat, as was my step mum. But the difference the last time was my mum was in a much better position then she was the previous times. She had a job, we kids were adults and she was no longer isolated from family and friends.

I was at home the night it all finally feel apart and I confronted him (I was around 22/23) and put all his lies about mum back on him so he had no choice but to accept them. He was gone the next day by the time we got home from work.

But I think you need to stop thinking worrying about what either he or the other thinks/doing and decide whether you want to continue this relationship.

I don't think he is having a mental breakdown of any kind he just upset that his lies have all caught up with him.

Often cheaters will stay in an unsatisfactory marriage with their wives/husbands because they don't want to jeopardize their involvement with their children.

I agree with MorrisZapp - and me and my DH similarly both have fathers who had affairs. In DH's case his father had an affair, then married the OW and has been married to her for almost 30 years. Looking at FIL and MIL's personalities, I actually can't imagine how they ever managed to exist as a couple, and suspect they were victims of that unimaginative decision to marry your university boyfriend because that is what you do.
My father has had affairs in every LTR/marriage he's been in except the current one. I think he's the kind of person who always wants something new and exciting, gets carried away with the romance of it all and forgets that every relationship eventually becomes everyday. His current partner wisely refuses to live with him, which sometimes is perhaps the healthiest way to be.
Ultimately I don't think there are any absolutes - different people have different beliefs about what a marriage is and should be, about how to handle conflicts of interest and regrettable decisions.
If OP really wants her husband to stay, perhaps give him a deadline to make a decision by (risky strategy) - otherwise he could keep you dangling for half a lifetime while he dithers pathetically.

I think a lot of the time it's when they get found out and whoever guilts them/dances the 'pick me' tango best. Manipulation and guilt are huge factors.

In an ideal world the affair would be found out an the DW and the OW would agree that neither is dancing the 'pick me' dance and the cheating twat would be left alone in a bedsit to ponder his shitty actions. Unfortunately many people's self-esteem and willingness to try and forgive means the cheating assgasket gets to keep the excitement going a little longer, feeling great about themselves that not one but two women are after him.

His breakdown is entirely his own making. Try not to let it sway you in terms of what you do next; it has to be the right thing for you, not for him.

Yup, my parents married at twenty and were parents by twenty one. I only knew them as a couple until I was about eight. The mind boggles to think they were ever together in the first place.

As it happens, they love each other very dearly and always have, as friends and co parents. But they would never have gone the distance as a couple.