M.I.L. Madness

[batey]

Just thought I' start this for anyone else, like me, who needs to let off some steam. Recently had my mother-in-law staying, who on the 1st day took it upon herself to re-arrange my kitchen draws!!! To the extent that I couldn't find things I use every day. Even my mum wouldn't do that!! I know it's not a big thing and done with good intentions but it really irks me. I just wouldn't do that in someone elses house!! Anyone else got similar experiences? P.S. Dh couldn't understand how I felt at all!!

That sounds churlish - I definitely do appreciate that they try...

I wish I'd never read this thread. I'm feeling so concerned that my DIL might be thinking of me as a self righteous old harpy. DH and I welcomed her as part of our family, as indeed I know her family do with DS1. She's a delightful person and she makes DS so happy. But I'm now really concerned about what she is thinking, although Azzie's sympathetic post has given me some hope that not all is lost. Eek, I'm going to fret about this all night, now!

Well suedomin - you can give us the MIL perspective. I think (hope) that my MIL had a similar opinion of me when we got married. However I think the advent of the grandchildren can affect the relationship dynamics. My MIL is pretty good overall and I think part of our perspective is coloured by DS being the only (so far) grandchild on either side which is bound to make the all experience more intense/concentrated.

I meant the bit about the MIL perspective seriously, suedonim, I think it would be interesting!

SueDonim - don't worry, not everyone has problems with their MIL! mine is an old hippy who wouldn't dream of telling me how to do things, although we don't see her often.

Everyone, thanks for this thread. I feel better knowing It's not just me that suffers from MIL. I hope I don't sound like a whinge but even my husband thinks his mum (and his sister) are nightmares. If no one minds can I blow off some steam, I haven't had any other chance to do it. There's so much I don't know where to start. According to both of them I can't do anything right. I work full time (becasue we've got too many bills), the baby has some food intolerances (so I have to cook my own) and doesn't sleep through any night, so I'm pathetic because I'm tired all the time (I've no family of my own who can help). I keep trying to be nice let them know they are welcome to visit and stay, but I'm obviously not doing it correctly. I been ill since the birth and am not fully recovered but then I should just pull myself together and get the dr to give me stronger pain killers (can't I'm still breastfeeding), and anyway it's much easier for us to go and visit them (she lives in the welsh valleys, a 4 hour car journey and 1 hour from the nearest train sation, no buses) because they don't want to waste their time travelling to us. If I ask them if I can ring them back when they've phoned (usually because it 11.30pm and they've just woken up the baby or I'm trying to eat before I go to bed) they say oh don't bother it's just a quick chat, I really should get myself organised better and were busy anyway. Sorry I'll stop there - before you all nod off. PS I feel better now!!

ks, I know what you mean about MIL's having a completely different mindset.
I was so chuffed last week because in Sept I will start my first paid employment in over 7 years. The interview etc was quite daunting, but I got the job, and when I told MIL she said, 'do you really want a job?'
Doooooooooooooooooooh!
Jendy, you sound so tired, stressed and fed up. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?
Phoning a mum with a young baby at 11.30pm is just cruel
Does your dh pull his weight at home?

hi jendy

rather concerned by your post. you sound like you have an awful lot on your plate to manage so i hardly think you are disorganised!

how old is your baby? maybe old enough for some sleep training?

if you are in pain, there are a number of painkillers you can take while bf, your gp can advise you. why not take the day off work since you are sick and go down and see what s/he says? you do not mention what is the root cause of your illness, but maybe you could be referred to a specialist if you have still not recovered?

sainsburys have just brought out a range of food called "free from" for people with food intolerances - maybe now you are working you could buy in a least a proportion of your child's food to ease up on yourself in this area.

hope your dh/p is doing his 50%!

sorry, you didn't ask for any advice but just concerned by your message.

good luck!

Just read this thread and I am really struck at how many supportive comments there are - for every MIL moan someone else chips in with a 'been there done that' response.

Kia, I just LOVE your story about running your finger over a dusty ledge in your MIL's house to show her how it feels when she does it in yours! Did you really and truly do that? that takes some guts!

Jendy, sorry your MIL is giving you such a hard time. So unfair with you at such a vulnerable time in your life. Talk about knocking them when they are down! Agree that your MIL phoning you at 11.30 pm is not on. Have you thought of keeping the phone off the hook after, say, 10.00?

Now my MIL....

One huge plus: She never interferes, even though she is all the things I am not. ie a highly accomplished cook, a mine of medical knowledge (she's a very senior nurse) and brilliant at housework/household organisation.

I think she's always seen me as being a bit scatty so, as far as these areas go, has low expectations of me!

BUT, and this isn't a moan more a wish: I feel she is missing out on so much when we visit her. I wish she could put the house on hold at little more. We live a long way away and only get to visit a few times a year. What's a bit of dust? some crumbs on the carpet? It's only for a few days. She has never yet taken my toddler out to a playground for an hour or to the nearby beach for a paddle - just the two of them. My heart aches when I see her putting the ironing before play.

My oldest son stays with them for holidays, has done since 5 years old, so they get lots of one-to-one time with him. When my youngest hits 4/5 years they have offered to have him too. But even now, aged almost three, he doesn't need mummy with him for a short outing. He's great fun and I'mn sure MIL would enjoy herself. I'd also like my toddler to gradually get used to seeing MIL and PIL without me (not to mention an hour or two of time off for me!) Hints on them taking him out, minus me, fall on deaf ears, though.

I feel sad for her - feel she is missing out. I want her to get more involved. Apart from that she is ace.

That is sad, Tigermoth. Both my MIL and my mum get as much as they can organized (including food in the freezer) so that they can concentrate on spending time with the children. My mother has even admitted that she doesn't bother cleaning before we come because the children will only make a mess - it makes far more sense to have a good clean after they've gone.

Ds is my MIL's 13th grandchild so it is no big deal for her. Dh actually has more a problem with her (love/hate relationship) than I do. We don't see much of his parents even though they live quite close - just don't have much in common.

We are actually closer to my parents (unfortunately, not physically - they are 25 minutes away as opposed to 5 minutes!) - but the sad thing is that they were so damaged by THEIR experiences with my mum's parents (extremely dysfunctional relationship - strong disapproval of my dad) that they are paranoid about "interfering" and as a result are actually missing out on their first grandchild.

So the damage is indirectly continuing another generation. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and talk to them and tell them that they need to get more involved - that we WANT them to get more involved. We always have to ask for help - they never volunteer, although they always say yes if they can.

Interesting, JanZ - my MIL had a nightmare of a MIL, and I think that's why she tries so hard not to be a problem to me, bless her.

Ta for your responses it was just nice to sound off - sorry I sounded like a misery yesterday, just feeling sorry for myself and had a really bad week work, sleep and MIL wise. Definately not so miserable now although....... .....after deciding she can't possibly come and visit MIL just decided to come and stay for 2 weeks? I feel that whatever I do it won't be good enough.

Mooma: dh (that's hubby right?)I have to admit he's really good in some respects, does the most thorough nappy change in Britain and because I still have carpal tunnel and back problems he tends to get up more than me at night. He's not the most practical person but he does try, not exactly 50/50 but better than many. Your right I am stressed and tired but probably not half as bad as I think.

Bossykate thanks for your message. I don't have any female relatives to hand so I'm always grateful for advice. My dd (is that baby?)is 18 mths but he's never been a good sleeper we have tried but....
The main problem I have is a back problem and carpal tunnel syndrome I was waiting for surgery on both my wrists but they were gradually getting better by themselves and it was cancelled. I also stopped taking the diclofenics I was on thought I was getting better but the pains have recently started to get worse. I got an appointment with my Gp tommorrow. Thanks for the tip about sainsbury will go shoppping this week

Tigermoth will unplug my phone tonight! I've got an answerphone - MIL phoned yesterday so I listened to see who it was (normally she'll just hang up in disgust and have a go at us next time she rings for not answering the phone) but instead she just said 'ring me'!! I did feel sad that she wouldn't visit her only grandchild but relieved that most of her unpleasantness is down a phone. Unfortunately or fortunately?? she's now decided to visit - it's not going to be easy!!!

Jendy - glad to see I'm not the only one who uses the answerphone to screen unwelcome calls

Jendy yes DH is dear husband and DD is dear daughter but you said "he" in your post so maybe its a DS in your case! Hope things improve with your health. Can sympathise about DS not sleeping through the night mine is 17 months and had an argument in the night with DH about whether to give him Calpol or not. DH just wants to shut him up. But I didn't think he was in pain. Wasn't sure if he was too hot or too cold though!

Let us know when your mil comes to stay so we can sympathise. At least its not for 6 months like Dejags! But come on here and let off steam.

Jendy - really sympathise about the carpal tunnel syndrome. Had my RH operated on in February and I feel like a new woman!
You sound very stoic and resilient, but don't be afraid to let others know when you're not coping. It isn't a sign of weakness.

I will probably be struck by lightening for saying this but feel I can with the anonymity of mumsnet!! My MIL died recently & whilst I am genuinely pleased she is now free from pain a bit of me is also pleased to be free from MIL issues!

My MIL problem is 'from the other side' - ie: my SIL obviously feels she has the MIL from hell (my mother) - this is causing all sorts of anxiety & tension within the family. I know I am bound to be biased but I do feel she (& my brother) are over-reacting. We all live miles from each other so none of us can offer easy or immediate help but my parents are always offering to come & stay (or stay in a B & B if more convenient) to help with the children, or to give the parents a break - my DH & I have taken them up on this a couple of times. Obviously out of politeness & consideration we discuss dates in advance & agree a mutually convenient time - they are busy people in their own right &, until recently, have also had aged relatives of their own to cope with. However, SIL & brother, never take up their offers, but then ring the night before & expect them to drop everything, drive 300 miles for a half day baby-sitting!! My parents have actually done this on a couple of occasions!! Then they have the cheek to write them letters stating they 'don't care' or 'aren't there' for their grandchildren (always happy to accept financial handouts though, without a word of thanks).

I'm not sure there is an answer to this, can't talk to brother as he is a complete drip, but just wanted to get it off my chest!

Azzie but what will we do when they bring in visual phone systems???

Bozza thanks the explanations, yes he is a ds. I sympathise it's easy to get ratty when you're so tired, I been told that in general Calpol won't do your baby any harm, but it's basically a very mild pain killer and will help keep a temperate down. I'm not sure if your ds has a snuffly nose but we've used Medised on our ds it's similar to calpol but will also help them to sleep better. We also use either karvol or olbas oil on a hanky or in hot water in the room, which helps with snuffles. I'll let you know when MIL comes.

Thanks for the kind words Mooma, I have to admit i wasn't keen on surgery but my consultant made the decision for me , I suppose I'm just disappointed the pains are returning

Lindy people can be so difficult - what's the answer? I have to admit my MIL never until now visits and has never offered any help - when my dh originally asked her - the excuses ranged from a panther in the area, to foot and mouth disease and yoga!! Unfortunately with my FIL he rings up from the train to tell us he going to be arriving in the next 2 hours (he needs looking after and just turns up often without warning)

Thanks Jendy for the reassurance. Actually for the first time in his life DS has been cold-free for a month. In fact I think part of the problem might have been that I put his cot back on the level and he'd got so used to sleeping on a slope that he banged his head on the bars! He's gone back to a slope now.

Lindy, I can't believe that I think that your sister in law and brother in law are out of order but it's a difficult situation because I bet your mum wouldn't say anything and someone needs to

Bozza glad you're sorted.

By the way everyone MIL & FIL are here, arrived yesterday. AArgh!!!!! I decided to get in to work just after 8 oclock this morning to get away from them. I feel really silly I've read other threads and know people have got far more to worry about than me, but they're driving me mad. The first words of criticsm were 'Why do you have to live in a place like Liverpool, can you move somewhere better?'

Does anyone have spare room available?

I think I must have bored everyone with this by now, but the good news is they've left today. Despite a constant bombardment of provocation beyond all reasonable acceptance and a very big hole in my lip, I've manage not to commit MIL-incide. I did have one day when I couldn't cope anymore (mil was on exceptional form & ds had a bad tummy all night - so upset and no sleep all night)I took leave from work and tried to sleep for various reasons unsuccessful so went off with a book and fell asleep for 2 1/2 hours in a public park. I think I'm ok now.... however mil said that I obviously am not looking after dh properly so she may have to come back and help. Thanks to all for your kind words