M.I.L. Madness

[batey]

Just thought I' start this for anyone else, like me, who needs to let off some steam. Recently had my mother-in-law staying, who on the 1st day took it upon herself to re-arrange my kitchen draws!!! To the extent that I couldn't find things I use every day. Even my mum wouldn't do that!! I know it's not a big thing and done with good intentions but it really irks me. I just wouldn't do that in someone elses house!! Anyone else got similar experiences? P.S. Dh couldn't understand how I felt at all!!

Sunday afternoon/evening visit to PIL. Had one and a half glasses of wine.
MIL (after I half refilled my glass) :"looks like I will have to bath ---- again". As in implying I was not in a fit state.

I am trying to tell myself that this was a subtle excuse for her to get to bath DS and that she doesn't really think I am a rampant alcholic who neglects my son. DH being extremely hungover (but apparently thats OK) missed the incident and thinks I make a fuss.

Just needed a quick rant o)

my mil turned up at the hospital uninvited when we were still in the labour suite, blood everywhere, me just taking a bath, to see my first baby. she just barged in when i had so hoped she would come with my own mother later in afternoon. but she just bloody well had to be be the first and i felt totally invaded at most intimate moment. i didn t forgive her for months after ds was born, although now we get on very well.

badmamma,

you were very calm about your MIL barging in on you when your baby had just been born. I my MIL had done something like that I think I would have been compelled to tell her to leave.

Having said that my parents descended on us less than 24 hours after DS's birth and the first thing my father said was "get the kettle on girl", not to mention the fact that they sat their for two consecutive nights having a real celebration until 1 in the morning when all I wanted to do was hide away with my baby and DH to digest the change in our lives.

Parents & IL's who'd have em?

dejags

just re-read that posting and seen all the mistakes, please forgive very little sleep was had in our house last night

badmamma,

you were very calm about your MIL barging in on you when your baby had just been born. If my MIL had done something like that I think I would have been compelled to tell her to leave.

Having said that my parents descended on us less than 24 hours after DS's birth and the first thing my father said was "get the kettle on girl", not to mention the fact that they sat there for two consecutive nights having a real celebration until 1 in the morning when all I wanted to do was hide away with my baby and DH to digest the change in our lives.

Parents & IL's who'd have em?

dejags

Well my MIL turned up 20 mins BEFORE my caesarean was scheduled. As i was being wheeled into the operating theatre she peered round the corner waving yoo-hoo. It was all I could do not to scream as I muttered "get her out of hear through clenched teeth" to DH.

Good grief, Robbie! I admire you greatly for refraining from murder!

My MIL once said to me that I was a "cruel mother" for giving my baby a bottle of room-temperature milk instead of heating it up. She was also horrified that I didn't have any candles on my two year-old's birthday cake (I baked him a chocolate cake and realised at the last minute that I didn't have any candles, so I lit a sparkler and put it on the cake instead - which he loved). She looked at me with disdain when I said I didn't have any candles, but I should've told her that he can't "blow" properly yet and probably would've just spat all over the cake. Can't believe how uptight she gets over small things........

Queenie

I've just read your message and you could have been talking about me!!!! I had almost the same with MIL when DD was bron a year ago and I already dread the time when I have another baby and I'll need help and I won't be able to refuse her......I feel a lot better about it now, but 6 months after dd was born she came again and the day dh told me I just panicked at the thought of reliving that hell again. By then things were different obviously, but this has left such a mark on me that evry time I think about another baby, the thought of her coming to stay puts me off it altogether.

And up until then I would have said she was the bets MIL on the planet!!!!!!

Since I had my spat with MIL just after Christmas -!!!!- I've hardly seen her and its been great. As some of you already know, she used to turn up with food when invited for a meal - so now what she does is give the food to DH when he visits and then he has to bring it home. It has taken a very long time, but at last he's realised how wierd she can be.

Many moons ago MIL came to our house and ran her finger along a ledge and jokingly said 'oh dear'. The next time I went to hers I did the samein front of FIL, and guess what - she never tried that one again!

I truly sympathise with your horror about the rearranged kitchen drawers. I would have had to have been held back by some very strong bouncers. I could not have let that rest. I would have to do it at her house, and when she asks you what you're doing, say 'well, since you felt ok to do it at my house, I thought I'd do it at yours'. I found I could get DH to understand because I would go in to his office and completely re-arrange his cds or the way his desk was set up, and when he got upset, I'd say 'now you know how I feel when someone does that in my workplace'. When he'd say as it was his mum it was different, I'd say did it make any difference to how upset you felt because I - your wife - did it?

I'm already planning how I'm going to get away with a MIL-free zone this Christmas. Anyone got any ideas that don't involve a family holiday to Disney?! Perhaps I'll take up rock climbing in the Himalayas!

I'm wondering how I'm going to deal with my MIL when this new grandchild arrives (40 weeks on Friday). They live in Oslo, she's from Scotland and FIL is Norwegian. He's a laid back sweetie, she's a bit more difficult.

We don't have a digital camera. When ds was born (now 22 months), our early conversations were dominated by her requests to see pictures of her grandson. Fair enough. However, 3 days post partum, ensuring that films were being developed and copies passed on, was not high on my list of priorities. I did suggest that she talk to her own son about getting what she was after.

As time has gone on, it has become clear that photos seem to be the only basis of her relationship with her grandson. Visits consist of picking up camera friendly ds for a few snaps and then handing back the accessory and awaiting a cup of tea. FIL gets on and plays with ds, MIL seems to regard it as a spectator sport.

Two occasions make me seethe. First visit when ds was about 10 weeks, we left them to bathe ds in his sitting up seat in the big bath. After 10 mins, FIL comes out to inform us that ds has done a poo (this couple raised three boys!). Then she followed FIL out of the bathroom leaving ds COMPLETELY ALONE IN THE BATH (with only his own poo for company). Dh sorted out the poo.

The other ocasion was at Easter this year, we both ended up in the Canaries at the same time, so they came to visit us. I was 5 months pg with #2. They arrived in time for lunch and ds had had an early nap that day to make sure he was awake for their visit (I didn't want them to miss a thing). After the teeth clenching photo opportunities, we went to lunch, explaining that we would all take it in turns to amuse ds. Dh took first slot, FIL second. Ds had to be handed to MIL, after 120 seconds she returned with ds saying 'He only wants you' (She had made no visible effort to connect with him). Handed him to me, sat down and said 'Once a mother, Always a mother'. Lucky dh.

Hoping that all goes well with the next delivery, I'm wondering how to deal with the photo request this time. Not feeling too well disposed toward her/them. Ds just come out of traction for a broken leg which was a difficult time for us all. Neither parent in law, felt it was necessary to send their own grandchild a Get Well card or a colouring set (maybe I should have sent a picture).

How to I resist the urge of telling them where to stuff any photos?

Malmomum - lots of sympathy but not much help, I'm afraid. What does dh think? You could say that you would love to send photos, just as soon as ds is better and you and db have bonded. And if it takes six months then so be it. Hope you are keeping well.

Malmomum - if she's that bothered, why doesn't she buy you and dh a digital camera? ... but there again, then you wouldn't have the excuse of "not having got the film developed"!

My DMIL was not very supportive of my relationship with DH before we got married - I suspect she thought I was a bit "too much" for DH (i.e. I live in the 21st century and am not afraid to voice my opinion and do expect DH to pitch in and do his fair share on the domestic front). Anyway the situation deteriorated to the point where she would not even acknowledge me if we were in the same room. When we decided to get married she thawed somewhat only after DH had a complete blow up and told her to straighten her face or to forget coming to the wedding.

Fortunately for me, for most of this time we were living 6000 miles away . Anyway things improved even further when we found out we were pregnant with DS, she was loving and even affectionate.

All this was to come to an abrupt halt when after DS was born I was diagnosed with PND, ever since she treats me with disdain and makes it clear that she think I am incompetent and that those of us who have the misfortune to suffer from PND should be relieved of all parental responsibility for an indefinite period of time. When I was diagnosed she thought it "her place" to phone all my DH's relatives to let them know the "sad" news. I was horrified and to this day have not forgiven her.

She is currently living with us for 6 months (probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure) and things aren't too bad but that is only because I have learned to endure her pointed disapproval of me and the way we raise our child.

The thing that amazes me most when it comes to MIL's is that they seem to conveniently forget all the practical and day-to-day requirements of being a parent - how they can forget I have no idea, I know I never will?

Rant over
De Jags

We prob are going to get a digital camera, it's not the aquiring of the photos that is getting to me. Just that she puts up a photo to show everyone else and that makes her feel like she has a relationship with her grandchild. When she sees him in the flesh, she's like a distant stranger come to visit and I have to wait on her.

We do have copies of the photos of the bath incident before the poo arrived.

Malmomum-I have a MIL like that! We went to visit DH's gran who was saying how delighted MIL is with the grandkids (she's hardly seen them) and weren't we grateful for the nice presents she sends them (she just about manages to get birthday cards in the right months, but never had a present for any of them). When she turned up 5 weeks aftre DS1 was born she explained that she had been tempted to come straight away, but had a really bad migraine. She also refused to hold him in case he was sick on her new skirt (which she berated DH about not complimenting her on).

She's got the photos though....

I have to say that, although my MIL in one of the most eccentric people I know (in a load of quiet and personal ways - and some of it has rubbed off on dh ) she is also a complete brick and has been soooo helpful since we've had children.

I've sometimes wondered if she's just very grateful that somebody wanted to marry her adorable but possible a little unusual son ... only joking ()

I have come to a conclusion about MIL's. I think they feel they are or are going to be left out. They feel that when their sons marry they have lost them to another woman and then that woman has children and is more likely to ask her mother for advice etc (although I didnt really ask advice from anyone, just found my way, but lots were given from all angles). It is not always the case but I wonder how I will feel when my son marries and has children and I will not really be the first point of contact by my grandchildrens mum. I have tried not to leave anybody out but have done things my way, which has not always gone down too well. Do you think relationships are more difficult with first grandchildren.

Both my MIL (and, more surprisingly, my mum) have offered help, been there when I've asked for help, and (most importantly!) kept their mouths shut unless asked for advice. My MIL did once admit to me that leaving the hospital after visiting ds when he was 1 day old she felt as though she was leaving him in the hands of complete amateurs - but I never had any inkling of that at the time (and of course she was right, we were complete amateurs).

Talking with both of these (each in their own way) formidable women, I get the feeling that Mums and MILs aren't always sure how to get the balance right - often they want to help, are dying to get involved (I know both my Mum and MIL totally adore my kids) but can be damned if they do and damned if they don't - too much and they're interfering, too little and they don't care enough.

However, it does amaze me how some mums and MILs will behave towards members of their own family in a way they would never behave towards a friend.

Very much agree with your second paragraph Azzie and also Joe1's message. I can sometimes sense my MIL trying to get the balance right and I think if I'm fair/rational that is what led to the comment re me having too much to drink to bath DS. She would have been better (IMO) to ask outright to bath him than try a subtle technique which involved insulting me! According to DH his parents for all their efforts never get the balance right - its always either too stand-offish or too all on pressure but I suppose I appreciate that they try.