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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag? What to do

41 replies

Lunettesloupes · 16/08/2017 14:29

Hi Mumsnetters, I used to be a regular contributor but not posted for a while and I've changed name for this. Can you help me. I've been seeing a man for almost 2 years. Have good times together, good sexual connection, fun etc and also share good and bad times, know each others kids - get on well. We keep separate houses but see quite a bit of each other and our friendship groups overlap. He would like more I think but I'm happy to keep my own place. He's staying with me for a month though and renting out his house on AirBnB for holiday period. Anyway...last night we were celebrating something and shared a bottle of fizz then went to bed.

We were talking about sex and got onto the subject of how he sometimes puts his hands around my neck. Now I should say he has never pressured or forced me to do anything and sex is as likely to be instigated by me as him. In fact, I would usually describe sex as great between us. I have never felt uncomfortable with him. However, last night I asked him why he likes that (let's be clear that I have always been comfortable when he's done it) and he said 'it's edgy I suppose'...well that's fine. Then he said 'sometimes I have to control myself'. That made me stop in my tracks and I suddenly started feeling uneasy. We didn't discuss it further though and (it was late anyway) went to sleep. What does he mean 'has to control himself' - What does he want to do? Does he want to hurt me? What if he didn't control himself? He has never done anything to hurt me before and is always very kind and nice. This has rattled me though. Also, it's brought back something from years ago (when I was a teenager) when an ex tried to throttle me 'for a laugh' and that was a scary experience.

I guess the answer is to talk to him and understand what he meant and explain my concerns. What do you think?

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 16/08/2017 14:33

Could he have meant he has to control himself from ejaculating quickly?
If you aren't comfortable with his hands near your neck then absolutely spell it out to him.

If you like it make sure you have a safe word that he knows you mean let go immediately.
If you see this as a threat to your entire relationship you need to tell him now. .

ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 16/08/2017 14:50

Maybe he meant he feels he has to suppress things he'd like to try/do (as in positions, kinks etc in general), but PP is right - you need to find out!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 16/08/2017 15:03

The only person who can answer that is him then you can figure out if it is a red flag or not, we can only second guess whether he meant he needs to control himself from exerting too much pressure on your neck (red flag in my book) or from climaxing too soon.

Original poster
Lunettesloupes · 16/08/2017 15:06

I really don't think he meant from climaxing too soon...yes, he does that too sometimes but don't most men? This seemed to be specifically about the neck. It's creeped me out tbh.

OP posts:
OrangeJulius · 16/08/2017 15:11

It would worry me a lot, yes. I would be wondering if one day he wont control himself, and will hurt me, or worse as we've seen in the news recently. I would be worried he finds it a turn on to hurt women.

But to be honest, I probably would have been freaked out by him putting his hands on my neck in the first place. I've never had a man do that during sex.

You really need to ask him about this.

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 15:23

You have to ask yourself:
What type of man gets pleasure out of putting his hands round a woman's neck at any time?
I would say this is probably a man who has deep seated, issues of some sort.

What's he going to be like further down the line?
Get out now. There are better more normal men out there.

solsbury · 16/08/2017 15:26

I've never ever understood the hands round the neck thing - surely it IS related to an urge to squeeze / apply pressure, and why is that a turn on? I'd find it deeply disturbing

NotInMyBackYard1 · 16/08/2017 15:28

Sounds like a bit of bravado to me - saying it for the reaction but not really meaning it. But then you know him best and if it worried you then just ask him what he meant?

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 15:34

surely it IS related to an urge to squeeze / apply pressure, and why is that a turn on?

It's an urge to dominate and control.

That's what's turning him on.
It's a bit disturbing. You should try doing it to him OP, see how he likes it.

Original poster
Lunettesloupes · 16/08/2017 16:22

notinmybackyard I think this is what I'm wondering, if he's trying to appear a bit edgy and interesting. I also agree with others though in asking why would he get off on this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunettesloupes · 16/08/2017 16:24

TC an urge to dominate and control? Maybe...I've not really seen that before from him but that's what worries me - that he's been on best behaviour so far.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2017 19:50

I am totally creeped out by any man who finds it arousing to put their hands around a woman's neck while having sex. My husband and I talked about this once, and he wrapped it up perfectly. He said, "Any guy who gets off thinking about choking his partner during sex is a fucking psycho." I agree.

runningyogabooze · 16/08/2017 22:24

I've no experience of this but don't like the sound of it. My guess is you know exactly what he meant and are horrified.

I would be outta there I'm afraid. You have children who depend on you.

Adrianflank · 16/08/2017 22:40

Some women love it, my ex loved it but I wasn't too keen on it

SparklingRaspberry · 16/08/2017 22:48

I don't really see an issue to be honest

I love it when my partner puts his hands round my neck. Like yours he doesn't put too much pressure on and he knows not to hurt me.

But let's be honest. He could hurt me. He could easily squeeze harder and kill me, just like your partner could to you. But he doesn't.

Maybe it is about control and dominance thing. As I said, I love it when my partner does it to me. But it doesn't mean I allow him to control and dominate me in life, he wouldn't even try to anyway as he isn't that sort of person! It doesn't define him as a person. It doesn't mean he wants to kill me or strangle me!

Honestly I think you're massively over reacting. You clearly stated you don't mind him putting his hand round your neck, he never hurts you, you're happy with your sex life.

What's the problem?

HungerOfThePine · 16/08/2017 22:50

You do have to ask him and then decide if it's a red flag or not but if you don't particularly like it just tell him not to do it.

I like it but only in the context of a loving and passionate relationship with someone I trust but thats with no particular pressure applied. I've done it also but more as somewhere to put my hand Blush although I do think there is a level of control or dominance in it but not in a sinister way, again I think it's got to be a mutual and consenting thing.

The comment he has to try be controlled could be his cop out when "does lose it", so you are right to be concerned.

SandyY2K · 16/08/2017 22:55

Can you just tell him that you don't like the hands on your neck and never to do it again.

I think control refers to the fact that he's into more risqué stuff, but suppresses it.. In reference to the neck.

I can't take anyone touching my neck like that.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/08/2017 22:57

Well I would totally freak out if anyone tried to do that to me. I agree with others that it's a weird thing to want to do. Why would anyone get off on doing that?!

Yes you do need to talk op.

Howdydoodee · 16/08/2017 23:00

I don't think it necessary means he wants to hurt you or will. As long as this sexual need doesn't spill out in other controlling ways out of the bedroom. I'm interested in why there is a need for him to do it. It comes from somewhere and I'm sure you could google something and find out. Also. Asking him is a good way to find out too. He might know where it stems from but he might not.

Grooves · 17/08/2017 09:32

As a girl who dated someone that like to do this, I think he means too much pressure on you, I don't believe he would hurt you (I don't know the guy but I can't see it) you can black out and maybe he means he doesn't want to get to that stage.

I would speak to him though, if you don't feel comfortable, you need to say.

Grooves · 17/08/2017 09:32

Liked*

BertieBotts · 17/08/2017 09:43

If you are not into choking there is absolutely no need for him to do it. This isn't one of those sex things it's worth doing for your partner's benefit. It's a genuinely life threatening thing - if he put too much pressure on you by accident it could be very serious.

Some people do like it in which case proceed with caution (and research into safe practice) if you trust the person, but if it doesn't do anything for you, then don't go there.

It's not a completely off the wall interest as I understand but it's still one which should be treated with great care - like any kind of BDSM with the potential to harm. And I do think it's become more common recently and that this is to do with porn, which is alarming, because the narrative of porn is very often woman = object, man = dominator.

People have died from erotic asphyxiation. Thinking it's something "edgy" is a fucking immature teenage way to think. It's not a game.

SparklingRaspberry · 17/08/2017 10:21

Porn gets blamed for everything

its not porns fault your partner likes to put his hand round your neck. He does it because he enjoys doing it

You enjoy it, you said so yourself.

Quite frankly I don't see the point in this thread? He's never hurt you. Never given you any reason to doubt him or question his actions. You admit you enjoy it when he does it. And here you are questioning him and having people tell you to leave him because he's a dominant control freak who wants to kill you Hmm

I like a hand round my neck sometimes. It doesn't mean I would allow somebody to control me. It also doesn't mean my partner is a control freak either.

Original poster
Lunettesloupes · 17/08/2017 11:15

Thanks for all your replies. The point of this thread is that the comment about having to control himself put a different complexion on what was previously not an issue. Having been in abusive relationships before it's not trivial to me to be thinking...am I safe? is this right? is this a threat?

Ok so I'm probably over-reacting, but I have also under-reacted in relationships before and it's sometimes difficult to tell the difference. I didn't run out of the bed screaming, I didn't feel unsafe as such but it did make me question myself and my bf and it made my blood run cold. I haven't spoken to him yet, partly because we both had other things on last night but partly because I'm struggling to put into words what I want to say.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 17/08/2017 11:19

If you aren't comfortable with it then you are not overreacting. Period.

One person's"edgy" is another person's "utter twat"