Is this a red flag? What to do

[Lunettesloupes]

Hi Mumsnetters, I used to be a regular contributor but not posted for a while and I've changed name for this. Can you help me. I've been seeing a man for almost 2 years. Have good times together, good sexual connection, fun etc and also share good and bad times, know each others kids - get on well. We keep separate houses but see quite a bit of each other and our friendship groups overlap. He would like more I think but I'm happy to keep my own place. He's staying with me for a month though and renting out his house on AirBnB for holiday period. Anyway...last night we were celebrating something and shared a bottle of fizz then went to bed.

We were talking about sex and got onto the subject of how he sometimes puts his hands around my neck. Now I should say he has never pressured or forced me to do anything and sex is as likely to be instigated by me as him. In fact, I would usually describe sex as great between us. I have never felt uncomfortable with him. However, last night I asked him why he likes that (let's be clear that I have always been comfortable when he's done it) and he said 'it's edgy I suppose'...well that's fine. Then he said 'sometimes I have to control myself'. That made me stop in my tracks and I suddenly started feeling uneasy. We didn't discuss it further though and (it was late anyway) went to sleep. What does he mean 'has to control himself' - What does he want to do? Does he want to hurt me? What if he didn't control himself? He has never done anything to hurt me before and is always very kind and nice. This has rattled me though. Also, it's brought back something from years ago (when I was a teenager) when an ex tried to throttle me 'for a laugh' and that was a scary experience.

I guess the answer is to talk to him and understand what he meant and explain my concerns. What do you think?

You ask what he meant! Just say "that comment you made regarding not being able to control yourself, what did you mean?"

I like the hands round neck thing, have enjoyed it for years, mostly me as the instigator, some guys are surprised, some clearly hate it so I dont do it again. I had a partner who did it to me using a belt, it was slightly scary and he did turn out to be a grade a psycho...
I don't watch porn either, think I got the idea from Michael hutchence and we all know how that turned out don't we?

lunettesloupes I just read your latest post and think it's wonderful that you are learning to listen to yourself and question things that make you feel unsure/unsafe.
I've been the same as you in terms of under/over reacting, it's a real skill learning how to trust your own instincts and to deal with things as they happen rather than brooding endlessly and letting your imagination run wild. If you ask him see how you feel, do you accept or understand his andwer? With Anything that makes you uncomfortable you choose how to deal with it: work through it if it's something you can alter if not you are free to leave, it's about how you feel and about keeping your kids safe and your focus on them.

Thank you JellyHB that's it isn't it? I suppose my previous experience is of guys who have a million words to explain anything that I pick them up on...so talking to them is not actually that helpful.

I love when my DP put his hands on my throat, it's about slight breath restriction which can enhance orgasm. Not everyone's cup of tea, if you don't like it tell him.

Maybe it is about control and dominance thing. As I said, I love it when my partner does it to me. But it doesn't mean I allow him to control and dominate me in life, he wouldn't even try to anyway as he isn't that sort of person! It doesn't define him as a person. It doesn't mean he wants to kill me or strangle me!

I think it's telling that, 9 times out of 10, it's the men who want to do the strangling.
Maybe it's because they can't dominate their woman in day to day things, they think they can dominate in the bedroom.
Sad really.

Yes, I don't want my breath restricted, although accept that others might enjoy that and if I did then I would ask. Pickachew's "utter twat" observation is not lost on me either...

Ignore the porn comment if you don't feel it applies, the rest of my post stands. It's a niche sexual interest which can be dangerous. If you like it then fine, there are plenty of dangerous sex practices, piv intercourse is arguably one of them yet it's the most mainstream thing going.

I'm just saying anything choking/breath play related is not to be messed around with and don't feel pressured into it if you don't like it.

God - some of the posts on here are unbelievable!

Posters don't see the problem with this guy putting his hands round her throat?? An action that can kill?? If you have total confidence in your own dp - great. The op evidently doesn't have total confidence in her dp so for Christ's sake don't encourage her to just dismiss her fears. I know a man who killed a woman doing just this.

I asked him and at first he said he didnt remember, then that he thought it was part of a fantasy; then he said he can control himself and that if I wasn't into it it was ok and then he said that he didn't want to strangle me or anyone else. It was awkward and I felt he didn't really understand why I might find it concerning. I think some men have no idea what women are regularly subjected to or what it's like being a small person surrounded by bigger people 'controlling themselves'.

Ditch him ...i was in love with a man who found violence against women a turn on ....they exist ....dont be naive.... ditch, drop , end of as soon as possible ...sorry

My ex asked me once what would i say if he put his hand on my throat during sex. I asked why he would do that and he replied that he owns me and that is a way to show his dominance. He also said that is a "mans thing", to show ownership over the woman . Maybe your DP has issues that he manages to hide in your every day life. My ex was emotionally abusive and controlling

I forgot, he also said its a "mans way" to show you that can crash you if they want but they wont do it

Oh Christ purplerain that's grim huh? We were out in public last week, I was looking at a piece of public art and oblivious. My bf said 'hello!' to a guy and I was like 'what's going on?'. He said that the guy was obviously staring at me and couldn't take his eyes off me. He was with his gf and I was in day clothes (not sexy at all). Anyway that was uncomfortable 😣 And I felt like a possession. He said he's not usually possessive but that was ott...to be clear I didn't even notice the guy in question.

I'm in my mid 40s btw, not bad looking but not stunning and I was wearing jeans and jumper kinda thing, trainers... been out all day.

I remember reading that strangulation is the biggest indicator of potential murder in domestic abuse cases. Why would this even be a thing in sex play? Too much pressure for seconds can cause damage to your brain.