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Original poster

How many lies do you put up with?

35 replies

FritzDonovan · 16/08/2017 00:44

Have posted before about trust issues stemming from OH's behaviour, he has said now that he'll be completely honest etc, etc.
He forgot it was our wedding anniversary today, which he admitted when he got my card. He'd been 'frisky' for the past few nights (v unusual for a week day) which I attributed to upcoming anniversary, but apparently not.
Text convo in the morning said he was feeling frisky partly as rebound from the lie at the weekend... Don't know what this refers to (still at work) but we did have an argument where he hadn't bought what I said we needed, based (I think) on the fact he knew better...he said he hadn't heard what I said, and had made a mistake - all in a shout when kids were in the car. Which obv upset them and he hadn't apologised to anyone. That's the only thing I can think of which would fit the bill. I'm now thinking if he still lies so readily and is only now coincidentally admitting to another lie, how can I trust his word in anything else more important? Why can't he see this? Is it me overreacting because of previous crap?
So my q is really, what degree of lie do you accept?

OP posts:
ovulater · 16/08/2017 01:02

He's horny because he lied about it

ovulater · 16/08/2017 01:02

...because he lied about buying the wrong thing? I'm confused.

WinnieFosterTether · 16/08/2017 01:13

He's saying that lying to you makes him 'frisky' ? So if you want to have sex then you have to put up with him lying to you? Confused That is very unhealthy.
As for how many lies - turn the question round - how many lies do you tell him and how serious are they?
Honesty is very important to me. I have a very low tolerance for lies. My ex used to lie about everything, even inconsequential stuff. I realised he was constantly lying to himself too. There was nowhere to go from there.

Glowinginthedark · 16/08/2017 01:31

I'm really confused about your post but to answer your question I wouldn't accept any lying in a relationship!

thestamp · 16/08/2017 01:37

I don't accept any lying...
Your relationship sounds absolutely bizarre. Why are you with him?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2017 01:43

If you have to ask how many lies do you put up with, it's already too many.

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/08/2017 01:47

I would find any lying to be an issue but I guess it's contextual - my DH will occasionally say things that aren't true ('I'm coming now' when he's still playing sodding Xbox for example..) but he wouldn't just lie outright to me.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 16/08/2017 01:53

Lies destroy trust. No trust=no relationship. Lies are not tolerated here from anyone in the household.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/08/2017 02:33

Nope, no lies.

And I'm confused too. It sounds like you're saying he gets sexually excited by telling lies. That can't be right, can it?

eirrar · 16/08/2017 03:19

Another one who wouldn't accept any lies.

I always think of lies in two categories:

Those said for the benefit of the recipient "no, I haven't spent too much on you this for Christmas"

And those lies said for the benefit of the liar. "No I did not have sexual relations with that woman".

The first type I accept, and recognise is even necessary. The second however, I would not tolerate at all.

A relationship is based on trust and if you can't trust each other, then for me that relationship would not be worth having. But DH knows that's my golden rule, even if it does mean that we have to have some very uncomfortable conversations sometimes.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 16/08/2017 03:51

It's not a bizarre relationship, thanks. The situation is a bit difficult to explain without giving all the details of the event which I think he was referring to (although I don't know yet if that's what he was referring to). It was basically me saying we needed x based on previous experience, and him just going off to buy y because he thought it sufficient. Then having a go when I questioned it because he 'didnt hear me' and 'made a mistake'. Pretty inconsequential really, but if he's now saying that he lied ie did hear me and chose to overrule my judgement and request, I'll be peeved, because why lie about it? Especially when we're working on trust issues as it is.
eirrar I would agree with your own explanation, which makes a lot of sense.
Would 'lies told to not make yourself look inconsiderate/bad' come under the first or second category, do you think? Or both, depending on subject matter (as in your examples)?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2017 04:08

It depends on what it is really. But I hate lying. So I wouldn't tolerate this. If he bought something like own brand nappies when you wanted pampers because own brand was on special offer, that's no big deal. Hardly warrants a stand up fight upsetting the kids. Idk if he is getting off on the lie. I wonder if the fighting also makes him feel randy. The power struggle. It seems as if he gets the upper hand and can be dominating. I think he's playing games at your expense and you're buying into them.

I think you're kidding yourself that your relationship isn't bizarre. It definitely doesn't function correctly. Partnerships where both parties respect eachother do not descend into games and competition.

pnutter · 16/08/2017 04:14

Eh?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 16/08/2017 04:24

Mummy- what if own brand nappies caused terrible nappy rash (to use your example)- is it still ok to overrule someone and lie about it then?
I'm sure a lot of ppl do similar silly things because they either don't listen or think they know best. It's the fact that lies are told so quickly and easily that bothers me, not the context of the lie itself. Especially after having the 'I'll be honest' conversation.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2017 04:43

Obviously if own brand caused nappy rash, its unacceptable. You asked if it depended on subject matter so I gave an example. I assume that was a rhetorical question as you now say you don't care about the context but about how easily he lies. Perhaps you are exasperated but this conversation is pointless if you don't engage fully. You already have your answer. For you lying is lying and it doesn't matter about the context. So what are you going to do about it? He's not going to change, is he? So are you going to accept living with a compulsive liar or move on with your life?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 16/08/2017 04:51

Not sure what you mean about not engaging fully. My point I was trying to explain was that there was a good reason for him to stick to what I asked (that's why I mentioned nappy rash in your example), but the problem I had was with him lying about this. So the context of the lie is not so important as the fact he continues to lie to me.
Yet I know some ppl don't see small /unimportant things as being particularly bad. Hence why I asked for ppls opinion on what 'level' was acceptable to them.

OP posts:
justkeeponsmiling · 16/08/2017 04:57

I'm still confused by the fact that lying to you made him frisky?

LovesPeace · 16/08/2017 05:04

I wouldn't accept anything other than a white lie for the benefit of the recipient.

If you can't trust him on the small stuff, you can't trust him in your relationship.

I speak from experience as I forgave an ex who lied about money, thinking it was confined to that. Of course, it wasn't, he lied about everything because he didn't have the integrity or courage to tell the truth, and also to manipulate me (and others) to get his own way.

Poor weak man, but I don't miss him!

Abbylee · 16/08/2017 05:05

Are you sure that you were the correct recipient of the "frisky" text??

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2017 05:06

None. I hate lying. The only time it is acceptable is to protect someone or magical tales to children. However, if we don't know what he's lying about then it's difficult to judge the severity of his lies. A certain proportion of them could be omissions or zoning out and protecting himself because he wasn't listening. That's what I mean about you not engaging fully in the discussion. It's unfair to ask a question without giving concrete examples. You can make them up.

SleightOfHand · 16/08/2017 05:07

My ex used to do "low level" lying, you're always doubting, it's just awful, I couldn't live with it.

Out2pasture · 16/08/2017 05:14

Zero tolerance for lying.

Putyourhandsintheair · 16/08/2017 05:17

Could it have been a typo? E.g. " The lie IN at the weekend". That would make more sense?? Why don't you ask him?

WinchestersInATardis · 16/08/2017 05:44

The thing about lying is that it completely undermines your entire relationship. Once you know your DP is happy to lie even about small things, you never know when they are telling the truth about anything.
It's like living in a house where the floor keeps shifting you off balance.
I spent a long time trying to talk to DH about why even the small lies hurt.
Now he's an XH and the answer to how many I put up with is none and life is much less stressful.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 16/08/2017 05:50

Just I didn't say that lying to me made him frisky Smile, I did say he was frisky (Mon/Tue night) and his text said that he was just feeling good, possibly as a rebound for the lie at the weekend.

Could have been a typo I guess...lie in? Although he was up early on Sunday...

OP posts: