partner went nuts at the dog

[BBLucy1891]

Maybe this is silly, but last night my partner went crazy at the dog...like totally mental...he didn't hurt him but he was going to, or at least could have, but the dog ran up and hid behind me. His voice, everything, was angrier than I'd ever seen or heard and he also scared our toddler. The dog hadn't actually done anything either, plus he's tiny. Anyway, he said he'd had a stressful day at work and he's tired. The thing is it's pretty out of character - he's very much the strong, stable, dependable type, a great father, maybe has a tendency to bottle up his feelings but you're typical man in that respect. We're both exhausted from work, having a toddler but overall we're happy, or at least I thought we were. I have tried talking to him but he said he had just had a bad day and he's sorry but that there's nothing wrong. Should I be worried? We're getting married next year (ps - I experienced domestic violence as a child so I'm probably hyper-cautious). Thoughts welcome, thanks

sparkly just concerned about dog. They often get side lined when babies appear. They should get plenty of exercise. Was more thinking OH could do something useful like walk the dog rather than abusing it. No idea how you have interpreted it as OH being excused!!

What explanation has he given?

Is he shocked by his behaviour or trying to sweep it under the carpet? If it really is out of character, then the only acceptable response from him would be 'shit, I need to seek help"

Thank you for all the responses. Just to be clear: the dog wasn't hurt in any way, just scared. My partner is not at all an aggressive person but has a tendency to bottle things up, take too much on board and I fear he is under a lot of pressure that he doesn't know how to deal with.

I'm not going to leave him over this incident: he is my child's father and has been a supportive and loving partner to be for over 6 years. The problem is that he went into a sort of rage for a moment and it was out of character. He apologised to me and to the dog afterwards and his explanation was that he's just stressed from work.

I suppose I'm looking for advice as to how to make him aware of how serious that kind of behaviour is, and how to stop it or learn techniques to manage stress or anger. I've explained that while life with a young toddler is exhausting, these are the good times and there may come much more trying times in the future and I need confidence that he won't freak out like that again. I don't obviously want our children growing up in a house with a father prone to angry outbursts or worse.

In the years since I've known him I have been surprised, on a small handful of occasions, of his overreactions to small things: throwing a laptop that won't work or hitting a cupboard door...not at me, or as a threatening gesture towards me, but still an overreaction to a minor situation. Again these have only been a small number of occasions. His response tends to be that we are both under pressure and outbursts will happen but I suppose (and I'm probably being gendered here) its a lot more scary when a big man goes mental at a dog than when I throw a few clothes out of my wardrobe!

I suppose its complex. But if I could narrow down the question it would be: does anyone have experience of a husband or partner who has worked at managing stress or anger? Or how do you convince someone or help them to at least acknowledge there might be a problem that needs dealing with?

While I'm grateful for all the responses telling me to leave is a little premature. With my past experience I will always be mindful of these things, and would never let my child grow up in a threatening environment, hence why I'd appreciate constructive advice relating to moving forward rather than "just leave him", which seems a bit hasty.

**also, the dog gets plenty of exercise and while it is tough with a toddler around he has his own space, a big garden and is treated well

Sounds like he needs to attend anger and stress management classes

He apologised to the dog?

He needs to seek anger management help from a professional. You need to stand up to him when he does these things and tell him that his behaviour is out of proportion and scary!! Call him out on it, make him self conscious of it. It's weird.

Can you give your dog a cuddle on my behalf please, poor thing

"But if I could narrow down the question it would be: does anyone have experience of a husband or partner who has worked at managing stress or anger? Or how do you convince someone or help them to at least acknowledge there might be a problem that needs dealing with?"

You do not and you cannot. Its not your responsibility to do that for him, its not your job to manage him or this. If he bottles things up then that is likely a result of conditioning from his parents so that behaviour is deeply ingrained. He is not for changing here; this is who he is.

He has to want to accept that his loss of control towards the dog was in itself unacceptable and that his excuses for his actions are just that. What happened last night was threatening in its own right. Your son and you were also exposed to such behaviour from him. Saying sorry therefore is not enough. He should actually leave but he won't and you do not want him to go.

Anger management is also not a cure for domestic violence. There is no guarantee at all here that you or your child won't be next in line to receive such treatment from him in future. The dog was scared and ran, there is no justification or excuse that is acceptable here.

Many people get stressed and angry and do not take it out on animals or inanimate objects ever. Throwing stuff and hitting a cupboard door are all examples of domestic violence within the home. It matters not the infrequency of such events either; the fact is that it has happened and more than once; its unacceptable and its not an environment you should be in. Your son and you are already seeing this happen around you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?
You grew up in a household where there was domestic violence too; that was not your fault either. Your own relationship template as a result of seeing that is undoubtedly warped; did you yourself have any counselling or professional help to try and mitigate the damaging environment you grew up in?.

The "over reactions" you describe sound like they are gradually escalating.

I'm not really sure what advise anyone can give you, beyond be wary and be prepared to leave.
It's your DH that has the issue and if he isn't acknowledging that then I don't really know where you go from there.

lovespeace what the fuck are you on about? Have you RTFT? The poor dog did NOTHING wrong. Talk about posting shit for the sake of it.

The irony of your angry and aggressive post does not escape me, Fluffy.

I hope you don't own any animals.

I wonder why you think you are so clever peace .You posted an relevant comment and I was not the only one to think it was nasty. . Not that it is anything to do with you but I have rescued and saved more animals than you have had hot dinners. My animals are always safe and loved and certainly nobody will never do to them what Ops loser DP did to her poor pup, there is likely more than we know about too.

As Nancy said, you clearly know nothing about dogs or very much else it seems, on a quick check.

.

*irrelevant

Thanks for your kind words, Fluffy. .
And for presumably checking my rather sparse posting history (do people normally do this sort of thing on Mumsnet - it's considered bad form on other forums?).

Well, not a partner but both my parents had horrific anger issues..one of my first memories is hiding in terror under the table from my mom.
She said what helped was setting boundaries (esp if you do bottle you anger, let coworkers and partners walk all over you, and then explode), getting an outlet for pent up energies or aggression, learning warning signs of when you're about to implode and excuse yourself quickly..BUT these only work if you want them

It is a very big red flag. I would say he is not a keeper in a scary kind of way. He is showing you who he is, the real him is a man with a bad temper. Zero tolerance.

Now that wedding plans are in place, he knows you will be more and more reluctant to call time on the relationship. These intermittent episodes will become more frequent if not more severe, and will, imho, certainly escalate post wedding. Therefore keep an escape plan in place, which should include maintaining friendships, funds ( never quit your job), and a certain level of emotional detachment. I would not have anymore dc with him.

With these boundaries in place, it begs to answer why stay with him in the first place?

Yes, there are many who say to leave him over this is ridiculous. But taken in view of the insidious nature and subtle (yet powerful) dynamic of emotional abuse that creeps in and slowly, yet surely, will tamp you down bit by bit, you are well advised to step away from him sooner rather than later. Your mental (and perhaps physical) health is at stake.

Skip the divorce, don't get married in the first place.
At the very least, keep a journal to remind yourself of these episodes which may help you more readily notice the deterioration of your position in the relationship. It may also reveal to you any tendencies to minimize, justify, or otherwise excuse his behavior.

With your history, your radar is fine tuned. Yet you are already second guessing this by calling yourself silly for posting this question, and being hyper-cautious as if that were a bad thing. You are degrading your own feelings with that. And so it begins.

Yes I agree with andtheband my DF sounds like your DP. Usually fine but tends to bottle feelings up and then explodes. There has been 3 incidents where my DF exploded towards me and my DM. 3 incidents in 26 years. Did I think these were normal? No.

The last was a couple years ago and I was old enough to do something I rang the police on him. I've also seen him push the family dog out of the way quite aggressively with his foot and the dog is very frail. He denied he didn't do anything but I saw it and shouted at him.

This isn't normal behaviour. As a child growing up with this I can tell you it messed me up. I was worried because i knew how bas his temper could be.Think of your DS.
It doesn't have to be a regular occurrence. It normally starts with throwing things, punches doors/walls, now the dog. Maybe next your child or you?? It might take 5/10 years but it sounds like it's heading this way.
I don't want to sound blunt but you sound in denial and you are minimising.

When I asked before whether he'd ever thrown things, hit walls, et cetera, I knew you'd say "yes," OP.

This is a technique abusers do to keep women in line without needing to even direct their anger toward the woman in question. When you know that your partner will act in a raging or out-of-control way when sufficiently angered, you'll walk on eggshells more and appease them when they don't deserve appeasement.

This is quite serious when combined with the other incidents you're talking about. You need to leave. He will eventually hit you. He will eventually hit your child.

He needs to be able to unpack this, talk about what happened, his to manage his stress, and strategies fit when he feels his temper rising.
If not he doesn't sound like husband material IMO .

This would be a red flag for me. I agree with Chester it's an extreme reaction from your dog if it was just shouting. I have a small dog who can be a bit of a stress head but I don't think he would run and hide at being shouted at

If he did that to my animal, or any animal for that matter, he'd be fucking gone!

No excuses.

I shout at my dog frequently he's a prolific food stealer. He's never reacted like he's scared of me not once ever.
Exp lost his shit at the dog a couple of times and hit him. The dog was scared of him.

Did you speak to him?