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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner went nuts at the dog

72 replies

BBLucy1891 · 15/08/2017 22:32

Maybe this is silly, but last night my partner went crazy at the dog...like totally mental...he didn't hurt him but he was going to, or at least could have, but the dog ran up and hid behind me. His voice, everything, was angrier than I'd ever seen or heard and he also scared our toddler. The dog hadn't actually done anything either, plus he's tiny. Anyway, he said he'd had a stressful day at work and he's tired. The thing is it's pretty out of character - he's very much the strong, stable, dependable type, a great father, maybe has a tendency to bottle up his feelings but you're typical man in that respect. We're both exhausted from work, having a toddler but overall we're happy, or at least I thought we were. I have tried talking to him but he said he had just had a bad day and he's sorry but that there's nothing wrong. Should I be worried? We're getting married next year (ps - I experienced domestic violence as a child so I'm probably hyper-cautious). Thoughts welcome, thanks

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 15/08/2017 23:51

Do see it as a red flag OP. There are well-known links between cruelty to animals and domestic violence. People who work in animal charities have know about the link for a long time...this happened to a friend of mine whose ex-partner started beating the dog and she rang an animal shelter to re-home it. The lady on the other end of the phone asked her 'have you considered why you would stay with a man who would pick on a defenceless animal?' It really woke her up.

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/animal-abuse-and-dv.html

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-15816860

Notthemessiah · 16/08/2017 00:10

Bloody hell - so he shouted at the dog because he's obviously stressed over something. And everyone here is saying ltb rather than maybe checking why your dp is stressed enough to do something you admit is totally out of character. Then again, most bloody dog owners always prioritise their wretched mutts over anything else so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

RoseOfSharyn · 16/08/2017 00:27

Every time my exH was arrested for DV I was asked in my statement if he was ever cruel to animals as there's a massive link between the 2.

You say he scared your child too?!

Have my first LTB!

verystressedmum · 16/08/2017 00:36

Notthemessiah both me and dh have been so unbelievably stressed and exhausted etc but never in a million years would he nor I have terrorised our dog because we're normal people that don't pick on defenceless animals when we've had a bad day.
Being stressed isn't an excuse for that. What happens when he can't control himself and he does it to your child?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 16/08/2017 01:09

notthe odfod Biscuit if you think it's ok to do,that you're just as bad. As for wretched, I'd say you're pretty much that with your pointless nasty comment.

SparklyMagpie · 16/08/2017 01:21

converseandjeans why the hell does that matter if the dog had been one 1 or 2 walks or was hyper? No excuse to be a bastard!

And as for Notthemessiah i find your comments disgusting and there was absolutely no need to post

I wouldn't put up with anyone treating my dog like shit

SparklyMagpie · 16/08/2017 01:33

*converseandjeans

It would be of concern to me. Does the dog get enough exercise? They can be a pain if they haven't been out for a run*

Just noticed your first post which makes sense to read your next question

But can you please tell me why it matters how many walks the dog has had etc.?

It DOESN'T matter AT ALL!

it is NO excuse for anybody to go for a dog, i don't care how naughty it is,if you can raise your voice and go for it, i'd be questioning a lot.

What would happen if he's in another stressful mood bit this time its your child!?

I'm sorry but i'd be concerned,no excuse whatsoever

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 16/08/2017 02:20

A quick search on Notthemessiah reveals that they clearly hate dogs and I quote

Tbh, if I could, I'd ban dogs as pets altogether

TBH id ban stupid dog hating people. HTH.

WombOfOnesOwn · 16/08/2017 04:23

Has he ever used "indirect violence" before when you're around? Throwing plates, or punching walls?

Abbylee · 16/08/2017 04:38

An ex kicked "at" my cat (cat was quick) when he thought that i wasn't looking; The End. DH would never harm my cat (who revenge peed under his desk for a year after we moved.)

LovesPeace · 16/08/2017 04:50

I am shocked that people believe dogs should not be trained or disciplined using the voice to give instructions, liberal praise and, on a few occasions, telling animals off for bad behaviour.
I begin to understand that the loons who have warned me 'Watch out, he bites!' when their loose dog ran up to me on a public footpath were Mumsnetters.
And since when have dogs been 'defenceless'? Some of them are actually used as guard dogs, police dogs etc.
OP - sounds like you and your partner are exhausted, stressed and not coping at the moment - any way you can take the pressure off - time off work, babysitter, paid dogwalker, dog in (good) kennels?

LovesPeace · 16/08/2017 04:57

Oh, and before I am labelled a 'dog hater', I love dogs, cats and other animals.

But an animal that doesn't obey voice commands (and yes, even cats can be trained to come to call for example) is a danger to themselves and others.

dudsville · 16/08/2017 05:01

I think lovespeace needs a description of your dog again op! And I'm with the rest, anyone who does a fit of rage when they're stressed is a flash. You have been in dv relationships before so this worried you. Think about why it worried you.

LovesPeace · 16/08/2017 05:09

No clue what your post meant dudsville - wtf is 'a flash'?

The OPs post isn't big on information - perhaps because she's exhausted and looking for help, not condemnation.

CircleofWillis · 16/08/2017 05:33

@mrscroply
My ex used to get irritated with my cats. . One night one of them didn't come home while I was out (stayed out at a party while dh went home to sulk) coincidence? Think not.
Are you saying that you think your ex killed your cat because you stayed out partying? If so how awful, I'm so glad he is now an ex.

CircleofWillis · 16/08/2017 05:43

BB Lucy, you are saying you let the incident go because 'nothing happened' I.e. The dog was OK. But that wasn't because your DF controlled himself it was because the dog escaped in terror.

I would have a serious conversation with your DH about the incident. Taking out frustration on objects, animals or people are all symptoms of anger control issues. You need to let him know it is not acceptable and a deal breaker. If you are volatile yourself this is probably not helping. I'm not sure how this manifests for you but shouting or throwing things does not produce a healthy environment or model for your young son. Take care of yourselves and make sure you are both getting some relaxation time. Having a young child can be all consuming and stressful so along with anger management techniques you should both make sure you are getting a break.

Barbaro · 16/08/2017 05:53

I'd have gone mental at him for doing that to an animal. Leave him, it's a small step from animals to people.

SparklyMagpie · 16/08/2017 06:01

LovesPeace Did you read the part where the OP said her dog HADN'T done anything?!

And still you don't " go " for the dog

Nancy91 · 16/08/2017 08:11

LovesPeace, you clearly don't know much if anything about dogs, if you have dogs then I feel very sorry for them.

You don't need to tell a dog off further than sharply saying the word "no" when the actual bad behaviour is happening. They aren't kids that you can talk about situations retrospectively with, they are dogs, the poor thing wouldn't have known why he was shouting. You certainly never need to shout at dogs and your dog should NOT be afraid of you.

I never say LTB but it may be something to consider as he is cruel and this type of thing escalates.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2017 08:19

Big red flag. Also I note that you experienced domestic violence as a child. I am wondering if this man has kept this side of him hidden until now when he went for the dog. Next time, and there will be a next time, it could be you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2017 08:24

What is this individual like with his work colleagues, friends. I bet he is all sweetness and light with them. This man could well also have a problem with anger, your anger when you call him out on his behaviours.
AM is not a cure for domestic violence or abuses of any kind.

I would be thinking long and hard about your future life with this man within this relationship.

Chestervase1 · 16/08/2017 08:30

I have always had a small dog. If you dog ran and hid and wouldn't come out I do not think your partner just shouted at it in a rage. I would say he was violent to the dog.

Nancy91 · 16/08/2017 08:38

Chester, I thought similar - the dog might cower a bit from shouting but in general they would just put their ears down and look a bit sad, not hide Sad

stayathomegardener · 16/08/2017 08:41

I have a small timid whippet and agree no amount of vocal abuse would get that response, I've roared at thin a couple of times when he has been in danger.
I too think it may have been a physical attack.

stayathomegardener · 16/08/2017 08:42

*Him not thin!
Although thin is very apt.