Husband left after 21 years Ashe has feelings for someone else

[SallyLouise75]

I'm 6 weeks in from my husband of 21 years telling me he no longer loves me and has feelings for someone else at work. He worked away most of the week and came home on the weekend. I thought we were going through a rough patch but I kept asking what was wrong as he was distant but all he said was that he had a lot on at work and he felt lost. When he told me he didn't love me anymore and had feelings for her he said he hadn't spoken to her for two months as her husband found out and she was trying to give her marriage a go (she has a 2 and 5 year old). Why won't my husband give it a go with me, I don't understand. I'm up and down but mostly down especially at the minute as my 15 year old is away with him and my 19 year old is on what should have been our family holiday with her friends. I feel so desperate at times as I have begged him to come back and at least try and make things work. I feel lost and scared that I won't be able to find anyone who will love me the way he used to, we were soulmates and he was my best friend. I find that I can't stop myself from texting him and calling him because I am so upset that this isn't him and don't understand why he left us for maybe nothing and won't even try to give us a chance. He also said he has been unhappy for two years and has been thinking of leaving for a while but he never spoke up about it and now I feel abandoned as I had no idea this was going to happen and he has just gone.

Hello Sally. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. You're husband sounds horrible

Have you thought about practicalities? Has he moved out permanently?

Sorry - your husband

Does he still talk to you?
Maybe you could ask him to do relate, so you can understand and more no, if you don't let him go you will never have any chance that he might come back.

Why would you want to be with someone who has feelings for someone else? If he came back it would ruin you knowing that he's thinking about someone else? You deserve better, you deserve someone who wants you and only you.

Splitting up with someone you have been with so long isn't easy and it takes time, things will get easier, be kind to yourself ( not to him ).

He says he doesn't have those feelings and doesn't want to. He moved away down south 6 weeks ago and has just been back for his things when I've been at work. I know I deserve better but I love him so much and want him to love our family like he used to do. He has become so materialistic which I am not and wants more money and status at work (his words). I spoke to him Friday and got the impression he is waiting for her to leave her husband. He is so sorry and knows he has hurt me but won't go to counselling and says it's over and it would never work if he came back. He said "what would happen if I came back and a month down the line she left her husband"? I don't know how I'm gong to carry on. It's just not him. If she does leave her husband it will be a reality shock for him bringing up someone else's kids as he didn't want any more.

Sally - I'm so sorry. He sounds like a callous bastard. He's treating you badly and you do deserve so much better.

But he's left now. Have you discussed future steps? Seen a lawyer?

The thing is, this IS him now, it may be a different him, but it's him. The sooner you realise it the better, please don't do the 'pick me' dance - you'll regret it in the end

I haven't seen a solicitor but we have sorted out any savings and shared them equally. He says he will pay the bills and give me some money to live on as I only get a part time wage and we can stay in the house. He is being so nice and so apologetic as he knows he should have spoken up before. I know I need to accept this is how it is now and move on but it's so hard to accept. I miss him even though looking back he wasn't really there for me for quite a long time but I didn't realise he thought it was so bad and he felt suffocated.

"He sounds like a callous bastard"

Hang on.. the advice on this site is usually that you should leave your partner / DH / DW if you realise you're not feeling the same way. Surely the "callous" thing here would be if he'd started an affair with the OW and left the OP none the wiser - trying to have his cake and eat it.

Instead he's told OP how he's feeling and he's not stringing her along. Ok, it's not great for OP but it's a lot cleaner than some the majority? of cheating spouses put their DPs through.

OP - it's difficult. I've been where you are and tried to beg the exW to stay. It won't work. Even if he does choose you, you'll always resent it over the longer term and your marriage will tear apart under that stress anyway. Try to look after yourself and your feelings and do your best to start accepting the marriage is over now. It'll be shit for the first 8-12 months and then it'll get better for you.

Thanks

I am sorry for this situation. Of course, you are shell shocked.

A pp mentioned Relate - I think that's a good idea. It doesn't have to be with the aim of getting back together (I suspect that would scare him off), but a chance for you to understand what has happened.

You might not want to, but please see a solicitor. If you have things drawn up legally then there's no room for misunderstanding. I know that seems really final, but you need to be strong and protect yourself now.

I'm so so sorry Sally. Let me tell you everything he says is bullshit. It is completely shit to spend time investing in an affair emotionally and then blame your partner for not feeling any connection anymore. Of course you don't feel the same about them, you've been investing your emotions somewhere else!!

I think you need to start getting angry, but for now you are in complete shock. Understandably. Drink plenty of fluids, sweet tea, and get yourself to the doctors for some interim help, maybe sleeping pills or something for anxiety just for a while.

Your husband is living in fantasy land. He really believes this woman is going to put a bomb under her family and move in with him and he'll play daddy to two small children? He is in for a shock and a disappointment.

I'm so angry on your behalf! I hope he gets his deserts, and when he realises what he's thrown away (which from personal experience they often do) you'll be in a stronger position.

But for now baby steps. one minute, one hour at a time.

Actually not sure he is being fair regards finances - please please go and see a solicitor.

I know I need to seek some advice but I don't feel strong enough at the moment as it's just so wrong that it has come to this. As I've said we weren't getting on very well but I thought it was a bump in the road to which he says a fu**ing big bump! It never crossed my mind or any one that knows us that he would do such a thing. Think he's having a mid life crisis but as you've said need to look after myself now which is hard as it's been me and him for as long as i can remember. 😞

Don't you deserve to be happy again, to find someone who does love you.
Remember you will be going forward as a woman of means, once you divorce him, but you do need to do it now as you have children to look after, he knows if he can string this along for 5 years you will get far less, and still be stuck in a limbo.

The thought of divorce scares me and he hasn't brought it up at all, he just says it's over and that's it, getting back together won't work and he doesn't want to try. You say if he strings me along for five years I will get a lot less?

Every relationship has rough patches. What was it about this one that broke the camel's back?

He wants more! More money and status at work, he's turned into such a materialistic person whereas I just want love. He said she listened to him and didn't nag him like I did but I was just asking him to sort practical things out on a weekend when he was home. I kept asking him what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me. He actually said "when I was on my way to Munich I wanted the plane to go down so I didn't have to tell you". He says he still cares for me and will look after me and the kids but just doesn't want to be in a relationship or love me anymore. He wants to be friends and for me to be able to call him or text him whenever I want. I just don't get it. 😢

He said she listened to him and didn't nag him like I did....He wants to be friends and for me to be able to call him or text him whenever I want.

Classic. it would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.

I hope you manage to get some rest tonight OP

If you do one thing this week, let it be making an appointment with a solicitor. I totally get the shock and bewilderment, and I am very sorry this has happened to you. If you can compartmentalise ten minutes tomorrow to phone and make an appointment, that will be one tiny step forward. You cannot in your current state evaluate what is fair without some advice and support.

Sally, the grass is always greener when it's fertilised with bullshit. Please dont be frightened. When I split with my first husband I had worked myself up for months about it, as it was I found it far less traumatic than I expected and just adopted the mindset of 'ok, look after myself and do stuff I didn't get chance to do' initially I thought of it like a bit of a holiday from him as that helped me get through it and after a few months I realised I actually felt ok.

You need to start the 180 to protect yourself and prepare for a life without him.

You've already done some things you shouldn't have.

The 180

. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

1. No frequent phone calls.
2. Do not point out good points in marriage.
3. Do not follow him/her around the house.
4. Do not encourage talk about the future.
5. Do not ask for help from family members.
6. Do not ask for reassurances.
7. Do not buy gifts.
8. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

He says he will pay the bills and give me some money to live on as I only get a part time wage and we can stay in the house. He is being so nice and so apologetic as he knows he should have spoken up before.

You can not rely on his good will lasting forever.

Can you do more hours? Or do something else? Retrain, change career?

If she leaves her husband and gets with yours, his goodwill may not continue. Especially if he wants to more money and status.

I am so sorry this happened to you. But please dont rely in what he is paying you. Its because he feels guilty. That can pass pretty soon.

Once your children leave Education and leave home, he can say you need no help as you can get a job.
The split of assets will be 50/50 and not more for you to care for your children.
He wanted this, not you, take back control, right now he is the one calling the shots.
He wants out, then fine give him out, on your terms and time scale.
You get a share of the Assets of the family, which include his pension and his car. also anything you have.
A friends husband only went for a Divorce once she had inherited, and got a lot. Had it been before the parents died, they had nothing. This was 18 months difference in time scale.