Friend upset with me, advice please

[ilovewelshrarebit123]

She's upset and I'm upset, and I want to sort it out asap.

She's stubborn so won't make first move, I'm a person who stews about things, so I won't be able to sleep.

I've been to my parents holiday home for a week, I invited her and her two children to come for a weekend. There was no cost involved to any of us, as my parents don't charge.

From the moment they arrived her 15 year old son was difficult. Wifi was 'crap', Welsh people are stupid, he had a comment for anything anyone else said usually derogatory. Some of the views he had were racist, homophobic and frankly shocking. He told me I was stupid as I didn't vote UKIP and I actually felt inferior as he wanted a debate for everything I said.

He glorified getting pissed and said drugs are cool! All said in front of my 10 year old. It's all hot air and I know he's showing off, but it was embarrassing.

My friend did check him but most of this was said on the sly so she wasn't aware of most of his comments.

Last night, our last night, we had a lovely meal, few drinks and it was great. He wanted a can of cider, she said no and he chucked a major strop. He decided to go for a walk, but didn't come back. It was dark, pouring down and his mum was very upset.

She went to look for him, but couldn't find him. He doesn't know the area, it's dark lanes and weather was awful. We'd both had a drink so couldn't drive, so just as I went to ask a guy across the way if he could take one of us out to look for him in his car, he flounced back in, like nothing was wrong. He'd walked 45 minutes each way to the next town which he'd already been told no to in the day.

Massive argument with his mum, she cried he stropped. I left them to it and said nothing. However he then tried to spark the argument up again when we were all watching tv, and I said enough, it's over, leave it there and have some respect for your mum and me.

This morning he's sulking, she's decided 'we' all pick at him so that's why he's upset. She said I obviously didn't want him to come as I'd text her to say wifi wasn't working and to please tell him so he knew this was the case.

She said I'd undermined her by telling him to stop, I accept it probably wasn't the best idea to say something but my DD was upset with his shouting and I'd had enough.

She said it's just the way he is and we should accept it. I told her I refuse to be abused and ridiculed by a 15 year old and i will defend myself if he starts.

So we've had words and now she's pissed off with me. Do I call her in a few days, say I'm sorry for 'undermining' her 🤔 but maintain I'm still entitled to defend myself when a rude 15 year old is shouting.

Or do I wait for her to contact me, we've been friends for a long time and never fall out so I'd like to get it sorted.

Any advice a appreciated.

I'm guessing that these awful opinions/ views are coming from somewhere. Does your friend share those views? Is he hearing this at school? Or is it your friends abusive shitbag ex (boys Dad), who has filled his head with poison? I don't know that her ex was abusive (manipulative) or a shitbag, but her behaviour/ reaction to her sons behaviour suggests that he was (or someone else was) and that her teenage son may have taken over the role of abuser/ manipulator. If that is the case then she may be defensive because she is embarrassed that you witnessed this dynamic. It is easier to accept that it was your fault, than it is to accept that her son is abusive and behaved appallingly.

I wouldn't contact your friend until the son is back at school. Tell her that you love her and that it was incredibly difficult to watch her being treated so poorly! Tell her that you couldn't as a parent allow your daughter to continue to be exposed to that sort of aggression!

You had every right to say what you did, this young man behaved appallingly and unchecked he is on a fast road to a future as a racist, misogynist abuser! Your daughter needs to know that nobody has the right to abuse you, her or any woman! I hope that your daughter is OK and not too upset by what she had to witness, she must have been terrified!

Absolutely do not apologise and do not get in touch first.

His behaviour was shocking, a 15 year old who talks and acts like that needs some sanctions but that won't come from you [obviously] and I doubt she'll take any advice anyway.

Sometimes teens are just blowing hot air & imo the worst thing that you can do is engage with them.

I think that it was perhaps always going to be a difficult holiday for him, although he does seem to have decided to spoil it for everyone.

I'd leave her to it tbh.

I'm not really sure how you "undermined" her tbh.

They were essentially there as your guests-you were right to tell him to button it!

I wouldn't be apologising.

I'd feel a bit sorry for her. It I wouldn't apologise. I also wouldn't be inviting them again.

Good friend doesn't necessarily equal good guest.

She said I'd undermined her by telling him to stop, I accept it probably wasn't the best idea to say something but my DD was upset with his shouting and I'd had enough

You're joking right! I actually think YABU for not saying MORE!

I would not have tolerated it for that long if it was upsetting an inappropriate for the 10 year old. I'ld have told friend it wasn't working out at that point and pulled the plug on the whole deal!

She is not your friend if she can't take critiscim where it is deserved. & now you are ready to eat humble pie to keep the peace.
They had a free holiday, the kid was a nightmare, was rude, racist, homophobic, & upset your DC.
Do not apologise, do not invite them again.

He's getting his bigoted views from his father, who has exactly the same traits.

Apparently as his father is like this 'it's not his fault and just his personality'!

He sounds vile, thanks to your friends non discipline through his life, you can see the type of man he's going to be. I would leave it, let her apologise. They were guests in your parents home, and behaved appealingly, even the mum. I woukd be shocked if my DC behaved like that, and would be apologetic, and leave early. She obviously thinks the sun shines out of his arse. Never again, if she supports her Ds behaviour that's it from tge friendship. I would pull back.

I would do as PPs have suggested: don't apologise but send a message along the lines of "I know how tough it is being a single mum. We need to support each other and I'm always here for you" kind of thing.

If you value her friendship, despite the awful son, then Whinesalot's message is perfect. No apology but reaching out to her. She sounds like she's struggling.

I'd be so embarrassed if my DS had acted like that I'd be apologising big time myself. I don't think you should feel bad about it. 'It's just how they are' is no excuse for anyone.

She's not being a great mum if she's allowing to behave like that, sorry. You'd given her a free holiday, and that's the way you get thanked? She's raising a hellion and to be honest, I wouldn't ask her again if you get so much stress from it. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for, and I think she needs to say sorry for her behaviour first. I'd wait this one out OP.

She is probably embarrassed about her poor parenting.

Wow! Its judgemental people like you us mums try to avoid!!

Just wow!!!

Sensible reply by @RainyApril on page 1

My 15 year old can display some of the type of behaviour you describe. I really struggle with him. (He's a lefty though so no UKIPing. Still very opinionated.)
It causes lots of rows in our house. I'm a single mum to him too, and it really is difficult.
If I was in your friend's position, I'd really appreciate a bottle of wine, and a chat along the lines of 'sorry if you felt I undermined you. That wasn't my intention I just wanted to calm it all down so we could have a nice evening.
'How can I help? You're having a hard time with him, aren't you?'

You don't have to put up with his behaviour, but you can get round that by not inviting him again. Sounds like your friend could do with a bit of support though.

She - and he - should be apologising to you.

Frankly she and he are lucky you didn't pull him up on his atrocious behaviour in the first instance.

But, BabyG2015, it IS poor parenting!

Send a message as suggested by PP saying you don't want to fall out over this. Teens can be awful anyway and no doubt it wasn't his holiday of choice. She's conflicted between disciplining him, keeping the peace and keeping up good parenting appearances.

Try to see her without her ds if you can for a while and offer her support if you can.

For those saying its her fault, be careful. I had one dream teen and one horror. They were parented the same. Both grew up just fine. Constantly challenging his horrid views is exactly what her want because that's what being challenging is.

Draw a line and move on. Save the friendship and be the bigger person.

Her parenting skills are clearly lacking and it shows and rather admit it she's decided that blaming you is preferable, is that really the behaviour you'd expect from a friend? If you apologise, your giving her an undeserved out and it will only add to a relationship dynamic that sees you as the lesser party.

Do not forget that they were guests of yours, I would have dragged his arse home before I let a child of mine abuse the hospitality of a friend. Her behaviour is not only a reflection of poor parenting but of a crappy friend too.

I am a single parent without support and in no bloody way is that an excuse for failing my daughter by not having and enforcing boundaries.

You have nothing at all to apologise for so don't undermine yourself by pretending that you did anything wrong. In fact, you deserve the apology but if your friend is as described then you're not going to get one. If you leave it for her to contact you, I think you'll be in for a long wait. If you want to retain the friendship then I think you'll need to call first but just say that you don't want to fall out with her and can you both just put it behind you.

Don't apologize.

You can tell her you understand that "teenagers" are hard work (teenagers with asshole fathers who copy those fathers in every aspect, more like, but you don't have to mention that) and you will forgive her for not having him under control. IF she apologizes.

Then avoid contact with the boy in the future, and meet your friend if she's willing to meet without him there.

Don't invite the boy ever again, your DD deserves to enjoy her holidays.

If she doesn't contact you first, well ... I know it is hard to lose friends, but I'd never lie to a friend, and it seems she wants to be lied to and told that her son is a nice boy.

Yes your friend is deluding herself, underneath she knows he son, and that his behaviour is not right. Just read, it does not help that this mostly coming from his dad. But your friends lack of parenting and boundaries is is a very big problem. Do not apologise, it was not your fault, the son was behaving atrociously in your parents home, and mum was ineffective. By apologising, you are admitting responsbility, and you have no reason to.

If you want her as a friend, send her a message that you understand how hard it is, you are always there if she needs to. Meet her away from the son, and never invite them again.

I'd leave it a couple days then just text asking if she fancies a cuppa or whatever kind of normal friends thing you would normally do. Don't mention it unless she does. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong to me.

There was nothing wrong with what you said, he was being a nightmare. If I was your friend I would feel really bad and embarrassed especially because it was your parents' house and you invited us only for my child to be a PITA!

Ps I would also not mention it again. I had a 'fall out' with someone earlier this year over something I hadn't done. She kicked off randomly and I stewed about it at great length. In the end I decided not to bother saying anything as it would only be more stress if I did. It is now 'forgotten' but I am keeping her at arm's length now.