Relationship Troubles

[ZestyMaximus]

Hi lovely other Mumsnetters,

I'm hoping for some advice regarding my situation with DP. We've been together three years, live together, no dc (neither of us wants to have them and after lots of discussions together, he's had the snip so this is not the issue). We both share the same life goals, find each other physically attractive, enjoy each other's personalities and have the same sense of humour. He does enjoy some more physical activities than me such as going to the gym, kick boxing classes and similar but films, TV programmes, holidays, food, board games, dog walks etc we're almost always on the same page.

Everything should be rosy right?

Sadly no. We argue quite a lot. We're both quite emotional people; me more so. I think that this is where our problems stem from. Everything will be absolutely fine one moment and then one (usually innocent) comment or question will quickly escalate into a full blown argument (not good) and if not stopped, can deteriorate into a slanging match (not healthy).

Why is this? How do we prevent it from starting? Or at least stop it before it escalates into something nasty where we both say things we regret?

We both acknowledge that we can't go on like this. Neither of us wants to end the relationship though as, despite the arguing, we love each other dearly. Normally, if I'm arguing with a DP regularly it's because the love has gone, but that's very definitely not the case here for either of us.

Any advice or suggestions gratefully received.

Anyone?

Sounds like you need a weekend away to discover what made you go for each other in the first place. Book a really lovely hotel,walks in the country,lovely meals etc and talk.

What are you arguing about? Nothing wrong with arguing necessarily (although I hate it, personally, relationships with lots of arguing are not for me)

I think it's not the 'how often' but the 'what' and the 'why' and the 'how'?

I think if you gave more detail you'd get more response..

What do you argue about?
If it's just little things that are basically misunderstandings I'd say don't always think the worst. Sometimes a man will say something, the woman will think he meant it in a mean way when he actually meant it in a totally different way.
Or maybe you're bored and nit picking?
Depends really.

We usually argue about either one of us not doing what the other believed we should have done. Typically that's household chores / a request or favour that then gets forgotten / arranging something for the two of us. Expectations of what the other should have done I guess.

There aren't any trust issues or concerns (from either of us) that the other is up to no good and there's not been any big events during the relationship that would give cause for concern that way. It really is bickering that then escalates.

After long battles with DH about him not doing what i felt was his fair share, and DH complaining if he felt something wasn't done the way he would we have come to an understanding.

I do what I want in the house. I do the washing, cook the dinner, some other things. I expect him to help out when I ask him to do something and he does it. That'll be me saying: 'please unload the dishwasher by lunch' or 'please go and put clean sheets on the bed'.

I leave the rest. I can't be arsed with the argument. It's his problem he doesn't like it and he pays for a cleaner to do more than his share.

I would have loved him to be more of a self-starter and want to help, but in honesty he doesn't give a shit about it and I can't make him. I bin anything he leaves lying around for too long as well.

I just don't want to argue about it and I am not obliged to pick up his slack.

Do what you want.
Bin all the mess
Get a cleaner if you can.

I found the more time DH spend talking about domestic drudgery/admin, the more time we have to spend chatting and having fun. This reminds us both why we like each other.

Good luck!

Thank you user that is helpful.

How do people cope with the things that they've asked what seems like a hundred times and yet still don't happen? Things that feel like common sense to me like 'please don't leave mugs / glasses right on the edge of the counter, one of the cats will knock it off' or simple requests such as 'please don't ball your socks when putting them in the wash basket, I don't want to have to unball wet (sweaty due to the gym) socks prior to washing them (gross) or after washing so that I can hang them up to dry'.

Write down every arguement you have and who started it and what is was about for a week.
Then you can look and see why you argue.
If it comes down to him not putting the bins out the night before then stop and just put them out, so you have a happier life.
If he argues about you not having clean towels, then tell him for a week it is his job to wash them.
Also if you tell him you can only have an arguement after a snog, everytime you start to argue the other one can shout Snog first.
This means you have to touch before you can argue, which give you a few seconds to calm down, and rethink if the arguement is worth while.

Haha! mummmy2017 the snog first thing is brilliant. It really does feel like we need a distraction of sorts before things escalate into a blazing row so this or something similar could work for us.

I have to say you're in a stronger position with housework division if you don't have children. You're not obliged to do any housework for him and certainly if it's not appreciated.

Don't do his washing. Leave it for him.
Don't iron his shirts. Leave it for him.
Eat early a few nights or have a sanwhich - kitchen is closed
Nothing in the fridge - he has to go to the shop
Wash the bedsheets and leave them on the bed for it to be made. Then go out.

Take back all the time you are spending on dealing with his responsibilities and enjoy yourself.

I know living in a pig sty is horrible but you have to make them uncomfortable or they just leave you to do it all.

Having a cleaner has really helped with the major cleaning jobs (bathroom/kitchen).

My DH hates a messy house when guests are about to come over, this puts a rocket under his arse too.

It's all man management. Tiresome man management. 😂

Try doing a marriage counselling course. It's about building good solid foundations. Sounds like there are some serious cracks in the relationship which could grow and get worse if not redressed.

It sounds like a communication issue to me. The best piece of advice I was ever given was not to try and resolve things when you are angry. If you take the emotion out of the conversation it becomes a normal discussion rather than a row.
It takes a lot of practice, and I'm not very good at it, but when I keep that in mind, discussions go much more smoothly.

Why on earth are you doing another adults washing? Who washed his socks two years ago, when you first met?

If you must eat together take turns cooking. Divide the rest up.

If he can't even do for himself because there's a handy woman now present then bin his sexist arse.

I could have written your post. Not married and currently in the middle of a huge row/silent treatment stint. It's just unbearable

When you talk about one or the other of you not doing something domestic, are you actually saying that he doesn't do his share of domestic work? Or does he also complain that you don't do what you are "supposed" to do?

Sorry, I think I may have given the wrong impression, they were just examples of things I would think were common sense and that I have asked him to do for me. He's not lazy around the house at all and does his fair share. We both do.

My post isn't about why won't he do housework, because he does do it, it's about why disagreements escalate into full blown arguments.

MorrisZapp We both do the clothes washing. I'm not going to pick through the wash basket, only select items that belong to me and then put on a half wash of my clothes and then him put a half wash of his on. Whoever gets there first does the whole wash. Half the time, half the water, half the electricity, half the washing products and almost half the work. I'd actually find it odd and counter productive to do it the other way around. We're a couple, not two house sharers.

If you must eat together There's no 'must'. It's what we both want to do. Isn't that what couples do? I wouldn't cook chilli for my dinner and then him cook chilli for his dinner. One of us would just cook for chilli for two rather than one. But anyway, as mentioned above, my post isn't about the division of chores. It's about why disagreements escalate. 1

If he can't even do for himself... He can and does. I'm not complaining about him at all. Hence the confusion over why the arguments happen.

Another (non-housework example as I think this has taken the conversation in the wrong direction) would be him asking me if I've booked a date for the new windows to be put in. I've previously said that I would before mid-September. I haven't had time that day. I hadn't said I would definitely get it done that day. Then we get into a big argument about how busy we both are which ultimately ends up nowhere near the original, relatively innocently asked question.

Get a cleaner
Communicate better
Be kind to each other and don't sweat the small stuff

Getting a cleaner won't change the actual issue I'm referring to. As for communicating better, that's kind of the crux of my original question. How do you stop from losing your temper when you don't like what someone has said or done?

Perhaps you are both very strong people and neither will back down. In a lot of relationships there is a power imbalance so that one partner will not challenge the other very strongly and are unwilling to incur the others wrath or are just more laid back. Why do you both feel so defensive about something that it escalates? Some targeted counselling might help.

Fair enough but there's no need to look at another person's sweaty socks if you have separate washing baskets. You don't waste soap or water any more than you did before you moved in together. You did say the arguments blew up over chores so each doing your own would seem to make sense?

Ugh! Balled up socks - nightmare!

DP and I argue less these days since reading The Chimp Paradox. He has a temper and I am very sensitive so between us we were able to make quite a mess of things!

However, this book helped him to recognise the feelings of anger and anxiety, helped us both to understand why we feel so physically upset by small things and explained why sometimes we need to take those few seconds to catch up with out irrational 'inner chimp' who is there before our more rational mind has even registered a problem, shouting negative messages to us from the side lines.

Regarding the domestic chores, there's a post often linked to on here "Must Be This Tall To Ride" - a blog by a divorced dad, which is called something like "She left me because I left dishes by the sink" which is a great insight into why those petty little jobs are so important. Google it and send it to him!

I also recommend looking at the 5 Love Languages. My favoured way to express love is 'acts of service' and since DP found this out, he has realised why washing up or putting his socks in the wash - instead of leaving them balled up all around the house - shows love and respect for me.

My counsellor also recommended trying to start from a position of love. It's hard but when you can hear something negative and think "I know he loves me so why could he be saying that, what is going on with him that is causing him to behave that way" rather than thinking the worst, it can stave off a problem.

E.g. We argue because he doesn't come over when he says he will. I feel that he must not love me as much as I love him. When I come at it from a position of confidence I can say "I know he loves me dearly - so he must be tired, he has a lot on his mind. Maybe he didn't think it was a definite plan." etc rather than assume the worst, I'm not important, I forgettable etc. He still gets defensive if I point out that he didn't come over and that I'm upset, but now he can look at himself and say "why am I feeling criticised? She's disappointed because she loves me. She's not angry for any other reason than she wanted to see me, that's a good thing." It takes us a while to get there sometimes but things have certainly improved a lot.

Also I have found that I can apologise or at least put an end to an argument better now. Instead of dragging it out I have learned to just go and put my hand on him and say I don't want to argue, give him a kiss and let it go. It's chopped about two hours off our argument schedule

Ok that's pretty normal.
My advice chill out.
You can't change him so focus on you!
If you put on a wash, wash his sock-balls. Leave the cat to knock over the glass so he can clean it up and get a new glass or teach the cat to stay off the counter.
My OH was spoilt rotten by his mam.
I used to give out to empty his own snotty rags out of his pocket BEFORE putting them into the wash basket.
He didn't.
I told him I'll wash things as they are and do not check his pockets first. He's a grown man. He can do it.
He didn't.
One phone and a watch later... he does. Mostly... not always.
I didn't maliciously wash these items I simply didn't check any pockets. I trusted he'd understood what I had said and did this.
Like things with the window... just say I didn't get a chance today I'll have it done by Sunday. Anything else ignore and repeat.
I often till him "chill out dude" and he'll just end up laughing at me and telling me I'm so laid back. His perfect opposite. Imagine we were both like him

It's why I live alone.

Bliss.

Even better now that DC is adult and living independently.

One phone and a watch later... he does. Mostly... not always. Love it!

I also now wash the socks in balls. Then leave them to 'dry' in balls. When he gets them back still balled up, damp and smelling musty he remembers to unball them for a while.