Offred yup, yup and thrice yup! To thread of abusive relationships from birth onwards, and to your board and beyond.
And to all the posters on anger. One of the key things I'm determined to teach my child is how to feel, & deal with 'bad' feelings. Which is tricky when all you've ever been taught is guilt, shame and that you never, ever have any right to feel anger or show anger. Ever.
So I know that's wrong and harmful. But what's in the place of that terrible teaching?! I feel like I'm learning it together with my child sometimes.
I seem to be tuned into the 'right' way to react when it comes to my darling boys feelings (mainly, not always though). So I try and catch myself doing stuff so I can learn from it myself. Eg. When DS gets very stressed and explodes, it's usually been coming for a while and isn't because he wants to upset someone, and I don't ever feel hurt by him, because I can see him struggling to deal with these huge and out of control feelings that are big and scary. So I help him by just being with him, quietly, and reassuring when I think he's calmed down enough to hear me 'it's ok to feel angry/ frustrated/ whatever, everybody feels x sometimes' or maybe 'it's horrid to feel x isn't it, poor you'.
Then after we talk about what happened, and what started it and what he could do to help feel better next time. His big thing is not daring to tell people he wants to be on his own so he gets more and more wound up until he can't control it anymore, so we practise saying 'I need to be on my own for a few minutes now please'. And it really works! And if he's got to boiling point already, we have a few things to take out the anger that I can suggest, or he now starts to do himself without promoting eg running up and down the corridor, or jumping up and down on the spot (& on my bed but I pretend I don't know that!), and playing drums.
I learn from his suggestions too, like shaking your hands and arms like you're shaking yourself dry... it works well for me!
But I digress, basically I really hope I raise a person who can name, feel and accept their own feelings. And hear what your feelings are telling you...
The other thing I'm learning is how to refuse to take on other people's feelings. I was taught to be a big dustbin for other people's feelings... they could vomit up their revolting nastiness and give it all to me, and I'd have to take it. Then soothe and solve their feelings for them. It's how I got groomed into letting people abuse me. And it's a massive revelation to know I don't have to take what people shove at me.
This rubbish bin is closed!
It's hard though. And I'm so so lonely. I hope some day I am brace enough to start looking for another relationship. And that I am capable of a healthy relationship... I'm so very lonely and can't bear the idea of living my whole life unloved and uncared for. But I don't think I know how to do it.
And I don't have any strength left to cope with any more abuse. I can't even get divorced cos I'm too scared of contacting Him again. I can't have him anywhere in my life because he encroaches on everything, it's really all or nothing. And I'm still seeing the damage he did to DS.
Ugh. It's all so fucked up. Why do humans have to be so complicated? And so reliant on others? I wish we came programmed with some kind of immunity to the damage others do to us, like abusive parents, abusive partners etc.
It seems so bloody unfair that we need to have good relationships in order to have more good relationships...