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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's on a downward spiral, but I can't get out

30 replies

DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 11:59

Hi All,

I'll give a brief intro - I'm 32, no children, never married (both not through choice). I live with my OH of 4.5 years, in a property owned outright by him (mortgage free). I work full time (administrative, not exciting!) and pay the bills (£400 pcm) and buy all of the food/fuel and incidentals.. He is self employed and pays to renovate the property. He has no desire to marry or have children (this in itself is a sore point), and I have no means to move out (do not earn enough to save for a rental deposit all the while we live together).

I have felt a little despondent for some time, feeling like something wasn't quite right, but have put it down to anxiety/low mood relating to my health (IBD).

The other day, we were having a tidy up of the entire house, we were both fed up with the accumulation of crap over four years of living together! I was sorting the kitchen, and he came in from the bedroom with some hoop earrings, and said he'd found them on top of the wardrobe, he guessed they weren't mine (I don't wear earrings), and reckoned he knew who they belonged to and that she had indeed asked him for them before we got together (4.5 years ago). This has been bugging me. I've lived in the house four years. MY little travel case is on top of that wardrobe, and yes, I may have not seen them, but it is only a small wardrobe, so I'm pretty sure I would.. Do you think he's just covering his tracks? Maybe he was worried I would find/see them so preempted it.. Should I ask him who they belong to and if he's going to give them back? I don't think he threw them away... Or could this all be totally innocent and I'm just reading into things?

He has lied once before about meeting up with an ex, but this was 2.5 years ago.

I know he stays in contact with all of his exes (I find this uncomfortable as I'm not that sort of person, I do know though that some are). But I don't know that any of them would have worn big gold hoop earrings...

Any advice would be welcome..!

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 15/08/2017 12:25

Over reacting here, he's not gonna come out of the bedroom with them in his hands showing you them if he was up to no good!

Original poster
DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 12:57

Thank you - loveyoutothemoon. A voice of reason has done me a million favours! :)

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2017 13:00

I can't imagine anyone wanting earring back after 4.5 years.
And I agree with PP. He could have just thrown them out or hidden them until he could get rid of them if it was suspect.
But, I always say, trust your gut.
Can you do a bit of digging to put your mind at rest?

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2017 13:02

Why are you paying for absolutely everything when you will get no security from that?

You're 32. He's TOLD you he doesn't want to marry or have children. You need to listen to him if that's what you want. You are wasting valuable time - you will never get those years back again.

Gorgosparta · 15/08/2017 13:08

I think you are over reacting about the earrings.

But honestly, your relationship sounds pretty awful for you.

sodabreadjam · 15/08/2017 13:13

So you pay all the bills and his money goes on renovating a property owned by him. Very good deal for him as you own nothing and have no rights if you aren't married. If you split you would get nothing.

Have a good long think about this.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/08/2017 13:14

Forget about the earrings. They're a distraction so your brain can avoid the real issue here. It is not ok for you to pay all the bills and have no savings while sitting in a house he owns mortgage free. If he doesn't want to marry that is his decision but he should care that you are comfortable and secure. If you want to stay (are you really ready to give up on marriage and kids?) then a chat about how to achieve those things for you is the next step. Good luck.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 15/08/2017 13:16

Earrings aside (I think it is entirely possible that it is an innocent find) what do you get from this relationship because to me, you seem to give a lot and get very little in return. Does he value your opinions at all?

Original poster
DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 13:17

Thanks all - yes, I think I have over reacted re the earrings, but I will ask which ex they belong to..

When we first moved in together it seemed like a reasonable split, but things have soured in that respect and now I resent being the bread winner, cook, cleaner and everything else.

Until I am in a position to move out, I have to be where I am. It's sad, but it's how it is. I'm not vulnerable, have no children, so will get no help from the council. I have no family within 150 miles otherwise I would move in with them. I do want to get married and have kids, but as things stand, right now, I can't afford to go anywhere. I know one day I will be able to, and that is what keeps me standing upright at the moment. Believe me I have looked at all options, including asking a colleague to be a guarantor for me (their answer was no).

I know some of you will tell me just to get out - but where do I go? I have work here, and very good healthcare, which I need regularly. Do I just jack in my job (and as a result miss my own expense payments and mess that up, too), or just strive to save as little and as often as I can until I can go?

If it were as easy as just moving out, I'd have done it!

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 15/08/2017 13:19

Read your post again. It's earrings you're focusing on?

You're paying for everything-why?

You want marriage and kids but that's not happening with him. So why are you there?

He MAY have cheated on you 2.5 years ago.

Do you not have a friend you could stay with whilst you saved for a deposit? Flat or houseshare?

parklives · 15/08/2017 13:31

If you want a shot at marriage and children you need to move out....have you looked at house shares or being a lodger?
Short term pain for long term gain, I promise you won't regret it, but it sounds like you will it you don't.
32 is so young, too young to settle for third best!

Original poster
DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 13:37

Hi Moanyoldcow, thanks for your reply.

I have honestly looked into all of my options in my current location. This is not new for me! The only way to get out now is to move back i nwith my mum (150 miles away) and try and find work there. It's not something I really want to do.

I'm not massively social, so no, no friends in this area. A houseshare would be great were it not for the IBD - I need my own bathroom space and the cost of that equates to the cost of a one bed flat within commuting distance, all require deposits and so it all leaves me in the same position. I really have thought long and hard about how I can get out. I am saving as much as I can and trying to keep that focus in mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 13:48

Thanks, too parklives!

If I could find a nice LL who didn't ask for two months rent as deposit I'd be laughing!

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 15/08/2017 13:48

Much luck OP.

Can you get firm about splitting the bills? Stop buying his food etc? Find any way to pull back a little more money?

Could you get a Saturday job to make up some more money? I know none of this is easy. I just know what living in a miserable relationship is like.

Parker231 · 15/08/2017 13:56

You need to adjust how much you are paying so that it is equal based on your incomes. Check his earnings and bank accounts before you pay anything further.

toldmywrath · 15/08/2017 14:08

Bless you OP. That sounds uncomfortable living. You have not mentioned whether you love your OH, but I guess the living arrangements are now more through no other perceived choice.

Have you looked into lodging? Quite a few people I know lodge and have their own bathroom. And it's not silly money either. It really depends where you live I suppose.

Would your parents loan you money to facilitate your moving out? Are you able to transfer your job nearer to your parents home?

Flowers
Original poster
DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 14:09

Thanks, both.

Prepares for the comments His earnings are minimal.. the work ethic is not strong with this one.. I can go into details if necessary, but it wouldn't help!
I have cut back a lot on food shopping (that's where I'm making the savings..), that's the biggest expense, and have managed to be firm with regards putting fuel in his car/paying his tax/insurance..

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 15/08/2017 14:22

Fuelling his car?? Paying his tax and insurance??

I can't even.

Parker231 · 15/08/2017 14:29

Sounds like he is lazy and you are funding his lifestyle? Why?

Original poster
DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 14:33

I know Moanyoldcow.... Hindsight is phenomenal..!

Parker231.. At the time I didn't see nay problem, he was earning a lot (more than me) and it seemed like a good split! Move on four years and yes, I'm paying for everything and anything..!

I know I'm stupid/blind/idiotic/a moron, but when you're stuck you're stuck - at least I know and admit my situation is a million miles from where it should be - perhaps the earring thing was just a cover for trying to find a reason for him to tell me to leave and force me back to my mums!

I feel utterly trapped!!

OP posts:
OoohMavis · 15/08/2017 14:35

Can you start applying for jobs near your mum and then move? That's what I'd do. F* waiting for savings, get yourself a job near your mum and just go.

You sound ground down and sad, take your life back.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2017 14:43

Spareroom.com
You might find someone on there willing to take you in without a huge deposit.
I rented a room out a couple of years ago for £350 per month with an en-suite.
It's worth looking at.
Could you ask around at work and see if anyone has a spare room with an en-suite for you for a short period of time?
I would have helped out a colleague if need be.

In the meantime, sit your money grabbing STBEx down and tell him you need to start saving for your own security and so payments will be reducing.
Tell him that you are currently funding him in HIS house and it's not on.
So you will be reducing payment by £200 - whatever - as of next month.
See how he likes that!

Original poster
DisillusionedFairy · 15/08/2017 14:52

Thanks both, funnily enough I have applied (a couple of days ago) for some work down by mum, fingers crossed..

I look daily on spare room for something en suite and affordable, so that's a good idea - thank you! My colleagues are all full with their own families (in my office), and we work in a student environment, so I don't really want to bunk up with them!

I think I will say about reducing payments, he needs to take ownership of his own life again, too - I would hate to be funded by my partner, I can't see how he can stand it..! His family don't seem surprised though (I have discussed it with them). In fact, I think they want me to stick around because then he's not their problem!

OP posts:
OoohMavis · 15/08/2017 14:59

I'd cut my payments to him too, and I'd apply for anything I liked the look of near your mum. Whilst you're at it, are there any courses you'd like to do to get yourself a more exciting job down the line?

Give up on him mentally, put your energy into defining what's important to you in your new life.

Howdydoodee · 15/08/2017 15:02

I understand your plight and most people here use the old LTB

All I can say is if you were a partnership you wouldn't be paying the most for everything. I'm such a stickler for making things as fair as they can be. Somebody is always doing more but it should be a revolving 60/40