It's on a downward spiral, but I can't get out

[DisillusionedFairy]

Hi All,

I'll give a brief intro - I'm 32, no children, never married (both not through choice). I live with my OH of 4.5 years, in a property owned outright by him (mortgage free). I work full time (administrative, not exciting!) and pay the bills (£400 pcm) and buy all of the food/fuel and incidentals.. He is self employed and pays to renovate the property. He has no desire to marry or have children (this in itself is a sore point), and I have no means to move out (do not earn enough to save for a rental deposit all the while we live together).

I have felt a little despondent for some time, feeling like something wasn't quite right, but have put it down to anxiety/low mood relating to my health (IBD).

The other day, we were having a tidy up of the entire house, we were both fed up with the accumulation of crap over four years of living together! I was sorting the kitchen, and he came in from the bedroom with some hoop earrings, and said he'd found them on top of the wardrobe, he guessed they weren't mine (I don't wear earrings), and reckoned he knew who they belonged to and that she had indeed asked him for them before we got together (4.5 years ago). This has been bugging me. I've lived in the house four years. MY little travel case is on top of that wardrobe, and yes, I may have not seen them, but it is only a small wardrobe, so I'm pretty sure I would.. Do you think he's just covering his tracks? Maybe he was worried I would find/see them so preempted it.. Should I ask him who they belong to and if he's going to give them back? I don't think he threw them away... Or could this all be totally innocent and I'm just reading into things?

He has lied once before about meeting up with an ex, but this was 2.5 years ago.

I know he stays in contact with all of his exes (I find this uncomfortable as I'm not that sort of person, I do know though that some are). But I don't know that any of them would have worn big gold hoop earrings...

Any advice would be welcome..!

I am already doing a Law degree (with the Open university), so can't really fit much else in study-wise, but I will keep applying..

Sadly I know (and have known for a year or more) that my current situation is neither sustainable nor fair, and I feel like an idiot for letting get to this stage if I'm honest, but feel better knowing I'm trying to get out..

At least you know.

Can you give him an ultimatum either he adds you on the house deeds for a certain percentage and wills are sorted or you can't pay for any of his expenses as you are saving for a buy to let property as security.

He won't add me to the deeds - he has always said that (and I have always respected that) as the money that purchased the house was inheritance from his family.

He doesn't have a will, so any and all assets in the event would revert back to his family.

I will tell him I'm reducing my input as I need to build myself a safety net, I think that's only fair.

I think a fear of being taken for everything is a massive reason for him not wanting to marry. But that's no reason to let your partner pay for everything...

Yes you are right to reduce your financial contribution. What would a lodger pay in rent pcm.? I bet with bills and food for you both you are paying more. You are subsidising the renovation of his house - he owns it outright so gets to keep all his earnings as you use all your earnings to subsidise him. Paying only half of bills and food would be more realistic.

He's having a laugh.