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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Six weeks pregnant - (ex) boyfriend blowing hot and cold

30 replies

Allesda · 15/08/2017 10:57

I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago, by a guy I've been seeing since January. We have been on/off a lot because he has a lot of trust issues from being cheated on in the past - he's accused me of all sorts of horrible things, called me names, let me down, cancelled plans etc etc.

And yet, I was the one who kept coming back. Because I could understand why he acted the way he did - I felt like he was operating from a place of pain and that wasn't really him. I've never cheated on him and, in fact, have always gone to great lengths to highlight all the positive things I see about him and us.

Now, I'm pregnant and he's up to his old tricks again. Telling me one minute we could do it together, coming along to last week's scan (was potentially some complications but everything looks okay for now), then telling me he wants a paternity test and that I'm going to be doing it alone. Telling me he won't take the baby overnight till it's three etc - I want my child to have proper access to its father and a relationship with him. Telling me I won't be on my own during pregnancy because seemingly "someone" will be with me - I presume he means my imaginary other men.

I keep believing him when he's nice and I'm heartbroken over this. It's putting a lot of pressure on me when this is supposed to be a happy, enjoyable time - particularly as we found out that things are looking okay with the pregnancy.

I'm 36, by the way and also spend one week a month in another country caring for my mother who has Alzheimer's. So a lot going on. But all I can think is that I want him and miss him and I want him to be there for me and our baby.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 15/08/2017 11:02

Was baby planned?

If you want more of the same then stay but I wouldn't waste my time on him to be honest.

He doesn't sound like he's gonna stick around.

Original poster
Allesda · 15/08/2017 11:06

No,the baby wasn't planned. Complete shock to us both - I had always assumed I'd have difficulty getting pregnant due to some issues I have.

I should add that I got really angry with him about his behaviour last week and gave him a proper b*llocking. Since then he seems to be smarting and suffering from injured pride. So telling me he won't be around etc. When at the scan he was really happy when we saw the heartbeat.

I don't know which way is up at the moment, to be honest. I believed him when he said we'd do this together and now I just feel really lost and alone

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 15/08/2017 11:16

Are you prepared and able to bring a baby up on your own? Sorry you are facing such a difficult time.

Original poster
Allesda · 15/08/2017 11:24

I can definitely do it on my own. It's not what I want at all - it's the very opposite of it - because I genuinely love this man. He's a great father to his son from a previous relationship who is 15 now, which is why I'm so upset that he only seems prepared to give our child minimal time.

I'm lucky that I have a very supportive family even though they are in a different country, but it's not far away. I was so happy about what he said about doing it together, so I'm all over the place.

And if I text him about how I'm feeling (they can be long, multiple texts to be fair) then I get told that they are "mad texts."

OP posts:
solsbury · 15/08/2017 12:04

STOP with the texts, invest your energy and emotion into the pregnancy and forging bonds with your supportive family. Don't let this man dangle you on a piece of string, giving you a jiggle when he sees fit. Don't fall for the "it's because of his past". We all have pasts, but there comes a point when you're a grown up and you have to deal with it, instead of inflicting crap behavior on those we are supposed to care about and blaming our "past". He's a drain, he is not a good man. Name calling? Accusing you of all sorts? It's inexcusable, past or not. You don't want your child to be exposed to this treatment do you? x

Original poster
Allesda · 15/08/2017 13:06

Thanks for all your responses. My problem is I still believe it when he's nice about 5% of the time. And when he's nice he's saying all the things that I want so badly - to be with him and raise our child together.

I think he's been scarred by what happened in the past, but I never thought the horrible accusations would start up again while I'm pregnant. My head is totally spinning and I'm so sad for the baby too.

OP posts:
Amatree · 15/08/2017 13:11

Stop making excuses for him and pandering to his pathetic and horrible behaviour. He clearly has no respect for you and knows he can keep you dangling on a string and you'll come running. For the sake of your baby find the strength to start calling the shots. Tell him you will no longer contemplate a relationship with him as you're sick of being messed around. Get formal access and financial arrangements in place and force it through CSA if he's not cooperating. He will treat your baby the same as he's treating you, drifting in and out as the whim takes him. At present you're facilitating that behaviour. For your baby's sake have the self respect to cut him off romantically and see him as your baby's father only.

Moanyoldcow · 15/08/2017 13:13

He's nice only 5% of the time? It doesn't sound like this man has ever treated you well consistently. And watch it get worse as your pregnancy progresses.

Personally I've seen the fallout from unplanned pregnancies like this, and I was an unplanned pregnancy who has never had contact with her father (I'm 40).

I think you'd be insane to have the baby as this shit sounds like he'd be there forever giving you grief.

However, if your committed to having the baby, plan to do it alone and tell him where to go.

Do not expect him to change. You say he's a great father to his 15 year old son. Is he really? Or are you just using your low expectations as a measure?

Amatree · 15/08/2017 13:14

Sorry to be a bit blunt in my response but you really need to pull your head out of the sand here Sad

Moanyoldcow · 15/08/2017 13:14

*you're committed to

delftblue · 15/08/2017 13:15

Because I could understand why he acted the way he did - I felt like he was operating from a place of pain and that wasn't really him

And that, I'm afraid, is one of the ways one ends up in an abusive relationship. That's how they get you. Abusers aren't all bad, otherwise people wouldn't date them. They can be kind and gentle and lovely and have heart-wrenching stories about why they've ended up having problems dealing with things like insecurity. That's all irrelevent. The abuse is what matters. It won't stop.

He's an insecure, controlling abuser. He. Will. Not. Change.

If I were you I'd think very hard about a termination. You don't want any ties with this guy. If that's not an option I'd cut contact as much as possible. He'll cause you utter misery otherwise.

mistermagpie · 15/08/2017 13:16

You've only been seeing him since January? And he's been this horrible to you in the first 7-8 months of the relationship? And now you're pregnant with an unwanted (by him) baby? Run a mile.

Seriously if he was horrible to you in the first place, which he was and is, no matter what kind of spin you try to put on it, then a baby will not improve things. I promise you that.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but I would focus on you and your baby being a family of two. That can be a very special thing,

delftblue · 15/08/2017 13:17

Also lots of people have been scareed by their pasts. Not all end up as abusers. He has presumably had plenty of time to go and get therapy to ask for help wuth what he's been through, if he's lashing out and hurting other people

mistermagpie · 15/08/2017 13:19

You also can't say that 'wasn't really him', you don't know him. What you do know is that he is abusive and what you need to know is that abusive men usually get worse during pregnancy.

Original poster
Allesda · 15/08/2017 13:23

I think he wants the baby. He genuinely seemed happy at the scan. I think he wanted to be with me, too but isn't willing/able to leave his issues in the past.

I need to start getting my head around doing this by myself and preparing for that now.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 15/08/2017 13:29

You're in denial. I'm telling you now you'll be posting here in 6 months with the news he's left/cheated/hit you or all of the above.

Good luck. I hope we're all wrong.

Original poster
Allesda · 15/08/2017 13:34

As far as he's concerned we aren't together now - I was informed of this by text yesterday.

I probably am in denial. Finding out I was pregnant, then waiting to see if everything looked okay, followed by lovely promises then a complete 180 degree turn from him has left me reeling. I need to pull it together now

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 15/08/2017 13:36

It's very early days in the pregnancy, if I was you I would consider termination but that's not for everyone. If it's not on your radar then you have the next 36 weeks to pull things together so don't feel under too much pressure just now.

Out of interest, why has he decided it's over? I mean, what reason has he given?

coffeeslave · 15/08/2017 13:40

Just because you love him, it doesn't mean you have to be/should be in a relationship with him. It doesn't sound like he's worth it, tbh.

Moanyoldcow · 15/08/2017 13:44

I think magpie makes a lot of sense. It's not for everyone though, I understand that.

I notice it's over because HE said so. What kind of man breaks up with his PREGNANT girlfriend by text?

Please wake up OP.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/08/2017 13:46

Oh fuck this guy off.

You don't need this shit when you're pregnant and the last thing a baby needs is a flaky dad.

Don't ever be obstructive but you need to start taking full control here and quit letting him have his hissy fits jerk you around.

Ps: everyone gets hurt at some point in life. It doesn't give you carte blanche to take your unresolved shit out on someone else.

Original poster
Allesda · 15/08/2017 13:47

Mistermagpie, he's decided it's over because in his head he's decided I'm a cheat, like his ex.

It couldn't be further from the truth. I'd hardly have stuck with him our relationship if it were any other way. He just makes up these lies about me and uses them to justify his own awful behaviour

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 15/08/2017 13:55

How exactly is it your fault that he's been hurt in the past? His past does not give him the right to treat you so badly, it's the here and now he should be focussing on, particularly his unborn child. Do you have much support, family etc? If so bring one of those to future appointments and make him stay away until he has proven he will be a responsible father. This hot and cold stuff is just going to carry on upsetting you and leaving you insecure and anxious, which is the last thing you need when you're pregnant.

PollytheDolly · 15/08/2017 13:56

5% niceness and lovebombing
Push and pull technique
Blaming his behaviour on others
You starting to doubt yourself
Clinging onto the good bits (pulling you back which doesn't need to be much i.e. 5%)

I smell a rat.

TheLegendOfBeans · 15/08/2017 15:26

I smell a wanker.