25 weeks pregnant and DP walked out and isn't coming back

[timingisabastard]

My DP has decided that family life isn't for him and left yesterday. It's a complete bolt out of the blue. He's staying at a hotel and waiting to sign a lease. It's happened so fast and I don't really understand any of it.

He's left me, our 2 children, and we've got another baby due later this year. I feel like my whole world has caved in. Can't eat, can't drink, can't sleep properly.

It feels like he's left me for someone else but I'm 99.9% sure he hasn't - but that would be easier to understand.

I don't know what I'm after I just feel so utterly alone and I can't see how to get through any of this. We'll have to move because I can't afford the rent and bills, god knows how we'll do that with no money coming in as I've been a SAHM with some freelancing on the side.

I thought things were good - that we'd got through some really rough times - we got engaged two months ago - and now I'm pregnant, single, with two children, and no money.

Happy summertime!...

You poor love.

When did all this happen?

Oh hell, yesterday.

Any conversation about him paying to support you? Or just all about his sorry needs.

He's been talking about a break since Friday but decided actually nothing was too bad we couldn't work through it - I don't think things are bad!

He's said he felt smothered and depressed and needs to be alone....

Apparently he'll cover the rent and bills here and on his new place, but I know that actually, he can't afford that. He's just reduced his work days so god knows how he'll do it!

I've got stuff I know I have to do practically but I just feel so broken. I can't believe I'm on my own and having a baby. Feel like I've failed my kids and I have worked so hard to get to where I am and he's just sacked it all off for what?!

I am sorry you are going through this . Others with more advice will be along soon. Be kind to yourself. Have you got family close by or friends who can be with you? Ask for help and lean on people as much as you need to. It's what I did and it helped me through.

My SIL was overall day yesterday and was amazing. I've told my parents and they've been supportive and two friends know. Can't bring myself to tell anyone else out of shame at what I thought was a happy solid relationship wasn't and in the hope he'll come to his senses, although I don't actually think that will happen.

I wish I could feel angry at him being so spineless but I just feel devastated. It feels like I've lost my home, my little business, my freedom, my best friend, and he's getting to start afresh and live as he pleases!

You haven't failed your kids, you really have not. None of this is something you should be unkind to yourself over.

Can I suggest you go now and drink something, preferably sweet milky tea?

There is no shame in having trusted your children's father, and that's all you have done. This is his shame lovely, not yours.

@MrsBertBibby it still always ends up with single mums being judged whilst men seem to be like teflon.

It just seems so overwhelming at the moment - so much to think about and do and I just want to stay in bed and pretend none of it's happening but that's a luxury I don't have, so it's business as usual for my DC's sake.

I don't know if I have to inform my landlord, the midwife, the council? I wish there was a list I could just access and work through instead of having to do so much thinking. Urgh!

Thank you.

Oh love, one day at a time!

I suggest you do a couple of jobs a day, and then hunker down with the kids.

First job, child benefit. Do you get it? If not, apply now. Form CH2 on the .gov.uk website.

If you already get it, then job 2, tax credits. Phone them up and start a new claim.

If telling the midwife feels good, do it. Otherwise you don't have to tell anyone.

No you don't need to tell the landlord. Or the council, if he is paying the council tax.

That's your thinking for today. Go sit with your babies, and let them give you some love.

Sorry this is happening to you.
I could have written it myself - DP of 4 years, have a child together etc decided family life wasn't for him. Total bolt out the blue.

Shock horror he's now seeing someone he "just met".

It's hard, but you'll get through it. It hurts like hell but you will absolutely get through it and come out the other side a better person for it.

Oh love. So sorry.
Similar thing happened to me.
You will get through it. So glad your SIL is supportive. Reach out for support anywhere you can. In the end he will regret his actions and you will undoubtedly have a closer relationship with your kids because of it.

@MrsBertBibby I don't know if/how they affect universal credit? This is all so new to me - does it all just change at once? Worried I'll lose the few pounds I get a week for tax credits until the UC claim is in.

I'm going to mow the lawn, sort some emails out, and just cuddle my girls and hope that the day passes as easily as possibly. Not going to contact him - decided that I'm making it too easy for him by being so pliant and amicable and he's got this pass to do what he likes.

@PipGirl404 honestly, that's the only explanation in my head - someone else - but I don't know how he would be able to - he comes home from work and goes straight on the computer - a huge bone of contention. I know where he is all the time. I'm still expecting that to turn out to be wrong at this point - nothing would surprise me anymore.

I'm sorry to hear it happened to you - it's shit isn't it?

@bluejelly I'm sorry to you. Why can't people just be honest?! I feel so confused - he wanted this baby, we got engaged - we had plans and then it turns out he's now changed his mind. How can you change your mind just like that especially when you're having a baby?!

@timingisabastard I always knew where DP was too, I just wonder if he met this woman online maybe.

It's really shit. I'd rather have broken bones than have to go through this every day. My chest hurts from the pain of it. I was in shock for the first month, but now 3 months down the line the reality has settled in and if it weren't for my DD I don't think I'd be here right now.

I hope you get through this with a lot more grace and dignity than I have x

So sorry darling. I know it hurts like hell right now, but you will get over it.
The guy is obviously a complete dickhead and that is not what you need.
Stay strong sweetie 😘

It's probably a woman on-line.
But that's irrelevant right now.
Read MrsBert post again and get the ball rolling.
You will also get a reduction in council tax as a single adult in the house.

YOU have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of.
He has walked out on 2 kids and pregnant woman.
The shame is all HIS!
Tell everyone. Get all the love and support around you that you possibly can.
Do NOT keep his dirty secret. And there will be one.

Keep hydrated - keep your sugar levels up.
Do try to eat. Hard as it may be - you have to think of your baby.

Ensure he has to take the kids some of the time.
You will need the break and he will need to see what it's like looking after them on his own.

Friends and family will get you through this.
for you.

@PipGirl404 the more I think about it the more none of it makes sense. I guess that I'll find out at some point either way - I am going to drive myself mad if I don't pull myself together.

@Tanyasun39 I have never felt so at rock bottom as I do now. But I guess things can only get better?

@hellsbellsmelons I don't know what's worse - if he has met someone else or if he hasn't - either way something has to have triggered this. 2 months ago we were engaged - last week we were happy - this week I'm having to make decisions about where we're going to live and how I'm going to afford anything - and face facts that I don't know if I can support us through my self-employed status or whether I'll have to just give everything up in order to actually survive financially - and I feel like that's the worst thing. I've worked so hard to get to where I am and it's just gone.

I've had my mum over today and my two friends are coming over tonight but I just want to be left alone because the house feels even emptier once they're all gone.

He wants to come over tomorrow to pick some paperwork up but has asked that I'm not in.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Ask him what paperwork he wants and tell him you'll have it waiting, but that you are not going to leave for his convenience.

I'd also be going through the paperwork in the house and making sure I had copies of payslips, P60s and all the rest of it before he can take them so you have information to back up a claim for child maintenance.

It's pretty gutless of him not to be able to cope with you being in the house for this. As tough as this is, you deserve way better

Tell him to get fucked re paper work and not being in. You owe him nothing.

Anything you think you might need.. bank statements pensions etc take copies of. If you haven't got a scanner the local library will have a photocopy machine

Agree with the others

He walks out on you whilst being 25wks pregnant with two DC and asks that you not be there when he comes to collect paperwork.....fuck that!

He just wants to ease his conscience. Well sorry dick head, that's tough .

Use the time whilst you have company to copy all relevant documents (even if you ask them to do it), like his P60's, wage slips, pension etc. I appreciate that it's an emotional time, but he's obviously had time to detach and will not have your best interests at heart.

Also, tell your midwife, GP and the DC school.

I'm sorry this has happened (I'm 28 wks pregnant and so really understand how you are feeling at the mo).

Keep posting.

Tell him when he arrives, you will leave.
He can look after the kids while sorting out paperwork.
You can go to a friends house for a brew and then head back about 2 hours later.
HE can tell the kids what's going on - but ensure you are there.
Do NOT take any of the blame on this.
My ExH wanted to tell my daughter that mummy and daddy didn't love each other anymore!
No chance - that wasn't true.
Don't make any of this easy for him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

My exdp left when DS was 2 and a half because 'being a full time dad was too much hard work' - this was after I'd forgiven him for multiple affairs. I remember feeling like the bottom had dropped out of my world and feeling completely heartbroken and then having to deal with the panic of practical things - how to switch bills over, could I afford it, the minefield of benefits - and also feeling terrified of how judged I would be. I remember saying to my mum at the time that it physically hurt to breathe. That lasted a little while.

But I posted to offer a little glimmer of hope even though it'll feel like such a long way off yet:

• exdp left about 5 years ago. I am now a far more determined, independent and happy person than I ever was with him.
• in a way I am much more confident; in that I know that whatever life throws at me and DS we will get through it and things will be fine.
• DS and me are very close and have an easy relationship for the most part. His dad struggles much more with him
• I have built an amazing network of friends and family over the last few years. Exdp made sure I was quite isolated whereas now there is always someone I can call, whatever time of day it is, if something happens. I'd never have that network if he'd stayed
• in retrospect, I don't think I'd have ever had the guts to leave if he hadn't and I would be miserable, constantly telling myself that it was hard because that's how relationships are.

What helped me in the early days is also what scared me the most: practical things. I made a list of all the bills, prioritised them and called 2 a day until they were sorted. You can't really plan financially until you know what benefits you'll get and what maintenance you'll get so try to make a loose plan and then let go of worrying about that as much as you possibly can until you have that information. Set up a contact schedule with your ex for when the girls will stay with him. Do this as soon as possible. It will be hard for a while to not have them with you (I didn't sleep for about the first month's worth of contact) but you need that time to do whatever you need to after holding it together in front of the girls (the first couple of times DS left I would just curl up in bed and cry, it gave me the strength to paste a smile on when he was back).

Also, the most important thing that helped me was the list I made which consisted of everything exdp didn't let me do, from little things like have a glass of wine in the evenings, to having friends round, to the big things like my degree! I used to do something every time I felt at my lowest and it helped.

Lastly, and this is really hard, try not to focus on why he left. You have to learn to not see him the way you have done for all the time you've been together. IME men are much better at doing this. I spent a long time asking exdp why it didn't upset him that we didn't have smalltalk anymore, that I still wanted to tell him about my day each evening etc (I know, I look back and cringe). Whereas, for him, the minute he made the decision to leave, I wasn't his partner anymore. I wasn't his friend or someone he loved. I became just the mother of his child. So he was civil but detached. I wasted so much time trying to convince him that I was enough and driving myself up the wall thinking of the woman he ended up with very shortly afterwards. That's the only thing about that period of time that I regret but I accept it's pretty hard to separate yourself!

Also, another thing (sorry, I know this is ridiculously long) please please don't worry about people judging you for being a single mum. I've only come across one person that made a catty remark about me being a single mum and he was a dick, everyone else has been supportive and said they really respect me for managing on my own. I think there's such a cliche in our heads of how society views single mums but, in reality, that attitude doesn't really exist as much anymore.

Sending big unmumsnetty hugs. I remember my DF saying to me when he found out "I won't ask you how you are because I know right now you'll be feeling like shit, all I will say is that you know you're going to be alright, it's just the getting there part that's crappy" and it was so true. You're going to be fine. All the firsts are the hardest - e.g. First birthday, first Christmas etc and then it gets easier. You just have to ride it out.

You've all been so lovely and supportive, thank you.

Yesterday was pretty hard - struggling to eat but I know I've got to for the baby and the other DC, and not eating is hardly going to change anything.

I'm working through practical steps such as making a claim for UC - which seems so complicated - I don't know whether I'm supposed to leave them to change tax credits or contact tax credits already or what and no one I have spoken to knows either.

I don't know what to do about my self-employed status - is maternity allowance paid on top of UC? Does it affect the amount? Is it worth waiting four weeks and then going on maternity? What happens in the meantime with my income - as it's never been a set income, some weeks I'll have completed projects in time for bills and other weeks I wouldn't. There are no definitive answers and I'm waiting to get through to the UC helpline to book an appointment but they're too busy and I keep getting an automated message to call back later.

That aside, I've already got access to his paperwork - I've not long done an audit of bills and income and outgoings so I'm confident he can't use any of that against me.

He's decided that as we come first over him, he's now not signing a lease and will move back in with his mum until things are sorted - what he means by things I don't know.

On one hand, at the moment he's appearing to do anything and everything to make sure we're okay - but come home. And when he said he needs space, how is going back to his mum's giving him space?

I am alternating between utter grief and devastation and anger but I've made sure that the DC haven't seen any of these breakdowns and that neither has he - I've not text or called unless to reply to him.

The dishwasher has leaked all under the sink into the cleaning basket and it fucking stinks. I nearly wavered and called him after horrific retching at the smell but I've sorted it myself and felt like that was a small victory.

I also spoke to the midwife (cried at her) and she was so utterly lovely (and surprised) and gave me some advice - none of which has answered any of my questions but I'm sure it will be useful.

I had my mum over yesterday afternoon and two friends over in the evening but it felt so nice after they'd all gone - I felt I could just cry and cry and not put this stupid brave face on.

Now he's cancelled his lease, I don't think he'll be over today, which is a relief.

I feel so empty and numb today. I keep trying to imagine every case scenario and hoping to god that he'll see sense and we can at least look at doing something where we're both happy - but I also know that that probably isn't going to happen and this huge gulf of aloneness and emptiness just seems to stretch ahead. The unknown is so hard to navigate - it's like being blind. I keep thinking that it's going to be such a long time before I'll ever have someone hug me that's not the children or my mum and I know that's ridiculous to even think like that but it's so painful.

This is just shit. I didn't know it would feel so shit but it's just shit.