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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His aggression

26 replies

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 05:21

Partner of over twenty years went ballistic last night. Business failing, have tried to help. Has used equity in our home as no income since began it. Next up pension savings. Behaves as though I am stopping him from just getting on with it. I am blamed for everything

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 05:33

I left and have just driven around but will need to return soon. I don't want to have to keep leaving my home and belongings. I am also worried about him. Evaded me trying to ask him what will happen in the end. Got so angry, red in the face, baring his teeth, mimicking me, telling me I was a birch and a c**t. I tried to stop him from rolling something over my foot, he screamed out that I had kicked him in the nuts! Just untrue so neighbours will hear. He is taking an anti-oestrogen pill that I think is making him too aggressive
Clearly, speaking to him is getting me nowhere, what do I do? The equity in our home will be gone soon amd we will face repossession

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Out2pasture · 15/08/2017 05:38

Certainly let his family dr. know just in case it is the medications.
But the financial piece is very very disturbing.

newdaylight · 15/08/2017 05:42

Just read this, really sorry to hear about what's going on. I'm still thinking it through still so not much help yet. Couple questions though.
Do you have kids?
That bit about shouting you've done something so the neighbours hear - does fs have form for that, had he made threats about what will happen if you leave, is he controlling in any way?
What was he roiling over your foot? Has he ever hit you, pushed you, held you by the neck?

I know the equity issue in the home makes things more complicated, but people come first so you have to prioritise yourself then with out what happens with property and finances

Whataboutus · 15/08/2017 06:21

Can you get some legal advice re your finances such as how to stop him taking the equity and pension without your consent? Find out what would happen if you separated or divorced. I would do it straight away too.

Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 06:22

Thanks a lot for the response, outtopasture. It is worrying. Sorry for the delay, I was parking the car and returning. I am not sure that I can speak to his GP on his behalf can I? He was not at all concerned about where I had been, as I had to walk past him to get to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. He is quiet at the moment whilst sleeping

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 06:42

Newdaylight, thank you for saying that. no we don't have kids, neither are we married. I typed a post that was probably too long that had all info but it didn't post so apologies if I haven't included all that is pertinent. I feel trapped in this and foolish for thinking the situation would improve This is an issue for me. I really want a child, I am not young anymore and somehow had a really nice ovulation last month and had to just let it pass by because I think I wish to bring a child into the world with him as the father. I want a happy and stable environment that is not filled with financial worries. I know that is what we all hope for but I fear that I will have to continue in this or not have a child
No he has never held me by the neck, it is mostly psychological.
Ten years ago he punched a hole through a plaster wall, I called the P and I think he could see that it was not acceptable. There has been one other call out some years ago.
He was rolling out a bed, as we sleep separately nowadays. We have not had sexual contact in a long time. I have tried my best to get him help hence the anti oestrogen pills to help his testosterone. Since this has happened I am finally sleeping well, hence improved fertility.. It seems the more worried I get about the future, the more blasé he becomes. It is though he is enjoying seeing the future fall apart. I am blamed for everything

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 06:52

Yes, whatabouus, I have buried my head in the sand for too long hoping for a turnaround. I thought that when he started a business away from his boss's demands and fifth of his salary pay cut for four years , he would feel happier. I have helped him a lot with the business too, in fact we have no social life, have not had a holiday in ten years.
I looked at CAB but the reviews for the area weren't great, I think that I'll have to find a 'matrimonial' solicitor to see if i have any rights at all after 20yrs. I imagine they will think I have been an idiot for enduring it for so long but I have to get past that

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Whataboutus · 15/08/2017 06:54

However desperate you are for a child, please put thoughts of that to one side until you have sorted out your finances. You say your home is to be repossessed! What does he think of that? Where will you go? As you are not married, it will be easier to separate although of course you need to protect all the remaining money and assets before they have gone.

JigglyTuff · 15/08/2017 06:59

Did you agree to him remortgaging the house?

Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 07:02

Yes, without getting finances in order, very sadly a child will be out of the question for me and I may have to let it go. At least I have my health. Our home is likely to be repossessed at the current rate of outgoings in 2-3months. He described to me last night how it will be fine to extract his pension and live off that but I could not reason with him why something that was supposed to be in place to protect us in old age in case of illness etc. had to be used next. It seems to be clutching at straws to save his pride. My name is on the pensions

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Whataboutus · 15/08/2017 07:05

Do you bring in an income yourself? Is it time to sell the business?

KarmaNoMore · 15/08/2017 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 07:10

That's a good question, JigglyTuff. No, it was supposed to be used for us to move from a one bed flat to a two bed one but his boss kept telling him he could not keep him on much longer, he had already reduced his basic salary by a fifth and gave all the guys were ten years younger than him, the same job title. He understandably found it humiliating as he had trained some of them. He refused to ask for a meeting about it or to speak to HR. I could not understand why he could shout at me but couldn't assert himself at work.

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sandgrown · 15/08/2017 07:12

I understand that testosterone deficiency leads to extreme mood swings and loss of libido. Has his treatment been reviewed lately? His behaviour is not acceptable but the failure of his business may be causing depression. Please get legal advice about your situation. Is the house in joint names ? Have you any independent income if you leave ?

mumofmadboys · 15/08/2017 07:20

Do you love him? I dont think you have said. Please don't consider a baby at this stage. Write down the good things in the relationship and then a list of the bad things. Is he prepared to work at things to make it better. You can write to his GP with your concerns and request that it is kept confidential or ring them up. All the best

Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 07:25

There's nothing to sell of the business. He has spent a lot on training. He works from home. He refuses to wind it down. I have said there is no shame in drawing a line under it and moving on, if he can get another job. He can still pursue it at the weekends and evening to see if it picks up.
I have a small income but not at the same level. I would like to return to university and just begin life again.
Karma, I suspected that. I am certainly trapped. Regarding marriage, we are stuck on a merry-go-round about this. After his behaviour, I do not want to be in a relationship forever like this but neither do I want to leave with nothing after the sunk costs of effort, help to him, furnishing the place, we would have had a child however I had a miscarriage and due to what I have described was concerned about trying again. He makes no effort to appreciate me. I still look ok! I ask why he is not bothered about marriage, he replies "just book it if that's what you want". Perhaps that is what should be done

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 07:30

I have always loved him that is why I he kept trying with this relationship.

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 07:30

I not he

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 07:39

Sandgrown, I have reminded him that it should be reassessed, it is a matter of him doing it. He has to be cajoled into everything. I found him a specialist to help him and attended the apt with him. Regarding depression, he often laughs at the TV, regularly exercises and is unconcerned about imminent repossession.
I could leave with a small income. He has asked me to focus on the business for the last four months.

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 07:40

Thank you mumofmadboys. I will do that

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Original poster

NewEmotion · 15/08/2017 11:01

It's all started up again, so now I am leaving again having had no sleep due to sitting in a car all night. This cannot go on. I cannot focus on what I need to. He continuously brings up my parents in arguments and tells me that they despise me, that he will tell them that I have been abusive towards him etc. Obviously I have not. If I speak about my concerns, I am wearing him down and "don't want him to succeed". I have to be quiet and be compliant to his wishes of diminishing savings I have helped him a lot with setting it up but the fact is it at zero revenue, so he can't blame me for questioning if it will succeed if more of the same occurs. He has paid £10k to the company who emailed a spreadsheet displaying a healthy income from this. He promised me he had researched it all thoroughly. Heck, what a mess. . He became furious when I mentioned forward paying the mortgage and threatened me. At present he's laughing away at the radio spread out on the sofa.

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BubblesBuddy · 15/08/2017 12:33

You need to assess what assets you have and move out. Is it a joint mortgage? Get a solicitor and talk through the money. I don't think you have any other option.

KarmaNoMore · 15/08/2017 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dragongirl10 · 15/08/2017 20:19

Oh op,

He is an abusive bully, l am so sorry you have spent so many years with him...please don't waste more, life is too precious.

Cut loose and leave now this will not get better...disconnect fully from the business and associated finances, go ..anywhere for now, rent a room flat share , stay with family, and start job hunting.

I also think you should not have contact he is really treating you appallingly.

Park the baby idea for now you cannot commit further to this man regardless, focus all your energy on a new life so that in time you can meet someone who apreciates and truly loves you.

So sorry..... wishing you strength.

Naicehamshop · 15/08/2017 21:34

Op - his behaviour is just absolutely unbearable. You have to move on or it will start to seriously impact on your mental health. See a solicitor asap and then get out as quickly as you can.

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