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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Too soon meeting OM?

42 replies

DadOctave · 14/08/2017 23:05

So my wife has just revealed that OM is coming to our town on Thursday, and she is going for a day out with him with my DC. I only found out about affair last week, and we decided to separate last Sunday.

She has been seeing this guy since late March. I'm like no way it is way too soon for them to meet him, she said she is doing it whether I like it or not. Am I being unreasonable? I Feel like my feelings and emotions are being trampled all over here. ffs She said she wants to see what he is like around the kids to have an idea if it really would work in the future. I am just not happy AT all.

OP posts:

LineysRun · 14/08/2017 23:07

Personally, I think it's far too soon.

Are the DCs with you?

NoMoreDecorating · 14/08/2017 23:07

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. If she's cheated on you then she's already shown you that she doesn't care about your feelings too. You're not being unreasonable to not be happy about it though, and perhaps remind her that even if she does want to see what he's like around the children it is still far too soon since your separation for them to be able to deal with this.

springydaffs · 14/08/2017 23:07

So sorry op. That is seriously pants

Original poster

DadOctave · 14/08/2017 23:10

We are separated under the same roof, we want an amicable separation, and will be 50/50 co-parenting. Right now I'm not feeling very amicable at all, it's so upsetting. I feel like I have gone to so much effort so far and am having everything thrown in my face.

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Original poster

DadOctave · 14/08/2017 23:15

Kids have no idea what's going on yet, not even started laying down any ground work. I've bought the Babette Cole book, and two houses but not even shown them yet.

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nakatsu · 14/08/2017 23:26

Wow what an awful woman you're DW is being! No way is it the right time & not remotely in the kids interest to meet OM. Is there no one that can talk sense to her who she would listen to?

LineysRun · 14/08/2017 23:28

She sounds deluded.

Putyourhandsintheair · 14/08/2017 23:32

If the DCs don't even know then how can the possibly meet the OM? YANBU. It's like she's conducting a viability experiment with them.
Perhaps time for you to be less amicable?

Original poster

DadOctave · 14/08/2017 23:35

Just had more words about it, she says they are just meeting him as a friend like her other friends on a normal day out, with no mention of who he might be. They're 5 and 3. Her other friends aren't man, and they all have kids with them on these day trips bar one.

I've said I can't see how I can stop her from doing it, that I have every right to be unhappy about it, that I feel I'm being trampled on and that despite her claims she doesn't care about me as a friend.

I'm just starting to feel like upping sticks and moving out (as I'd never dream of taking DC's from their home) I just feel shit and good for nothing now. Like I'm in the wrong.

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Original poster

DadOctave · 14/08/2017 23:36

Her Sister may do (talk sense)

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JustDontGetItAtAll · 14/08/2017 23:43

Find out what day it is, arrange to take kids out for morning, then to drop them off with her at a certain time then just don't show up! You'll soon see how serious she is by her reaction!
Kids are totally unaware, so by doing this, it doesn't affect them in the slightest

Putyourhandsintheair · 15/08/2017 00:08

Surely it would be better if she were the one to move out. Living together must be very hard. Perhaps you are being too reasonable with her. It sounds like she is taking advantage?

Enough101 · 15/08/2017 00:12

Well, aside from anything else, what happens if he is not good around the kids? Will she be calling it off and crawling back to You? Looks to me like she is not as sure about him as she says. She is taking the piss

Original poster

DadOctave · 15/08/2017 00:20

From my POV one of the reasons I have decided we should separate is the fact I've always felt a bit taken advantage of, and potentially bit of a doormat, to the point of taking the piss. The kids are my number one priority and I want to make sure I get 50/50 access, co-parenting, I'm afraid if I rock the boat she will find bullets to fire as an excuse to not allow that to happen, which would devastate, even destroy me. I hate conflict, she tends to thrive off it....

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Enough101 · 15/08/2017 00:36

FWIW I think you are going about it the right way to make sure you have 50/50 with your kids. She doesn't seem bothered about upsetting them or you. All I would say is be wary about any sudden change of heart from her side once she realises this guy isn't what she thinks he is. You sound like a great dad. I really do not know what she is thinking introducing them to him, but she will have to live with the consequences of her actions. You are being really kind to her through all of this, make sure you look after yourself too.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:00

Tell her you think it's a bad idea - which you have.
Then - shit though it is, because it's a dreadful idea - accept that you can't stop her.
It's not a battle worth having, sadly.
Instead of the fight, seek her agreement that he will only be acting as a friend around them, because they don't know yet. Keep it about them, not you.
At 3 and 5 if he's just there as a friend, they really won't think anything of him being male and without kids.
Speed up the telling of the kids, as I think you can't trust her to tell them appropriately, or to act only as a friend around this man.
Do not move out if you're seeking 50/50.
Speak to your solicitor about everything.
Consider "introduced children to affair / new boyfriend against my wishes before children were aware of split" as one of your examples of Unreasonable Behabviour.
Let her solicitor tell her "actually love, that was pretty fucking unreasonable and a fair inclusion"

Original poster

DadOctave · 15/08/2017 01:09

Thanks both, very much appreciate your perspective, as I'm not ready for any 'battle' nor do I really want one.

She has already said he would only be acting as a friend around them,

"Do not move out if you're seeking 50/50" - how come?

This may be a really stupid question, if we're pursuing an amicable split do we still need our own solicitors? We were hoping to get some kind of agreement drafted.

The daft thing is she's previously made it clear she wants things to move/proceed slowly, but this is like the complete opposite :-s

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Original poster

DadOctave · 15/08/2017 01:11

Feeling calmer/just sad now.

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Fudgit · 15/08/2017 01:17

This sounds awful. So sorry OP. Yes, I think separate solicitors would be a very good idea and I agree that if you want 50/50 it's best to stay put at the moment, but get some proper legal advice about that.

Enough101 · 15/08/2017 01:20

Well of course you will feel sad.. You only found out recently and, as much as you also felt your marriage was probably over, you weren't thinking it was going to happen like this. You are still in shock. Even if you are intending to be amicable, I think you should still see a solicitor. Just to find out where you stand. You don't even have to tell her you are doing it, just make sure you are protecting yourself. Unfortunately I know from bitter experience that these things can start off 'friendly and then turn nasty very, very quickly. You are feeling very down and trying to keep the peace, but you have to look out for your own interests. I know thst seems harsh right now, but it really is important.

In terms of the children, try to keep their routines steady and business as usual for now. You will be feeling from what's come out and for her then to go introducing him so soon...that is hurtful and no real 'friend' would do that to you. Just focus on looking after yourself and your kids. This time will pass, it will be horrible and big changes are coming, but you will most definitely be ok.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:24

If you move out, then you are de facto establishing your wife as the resident parent, so if she pushes for more than 50%, and ultimately if a court agrees not a 50/50 split is best, she is then in the stronger position to get more than 50%.

The fact you have asked for that to be explained tells me that you really do need to see a solicitor. Not to start an aggressive offensive, but to understand the situation and not make decisions that you later regret.

Original poster

DadOctave · 15/08/2017 01:31

Thanks, it does sound like from your advice here and advice in another thread I should get my act together then regarding a solicitor. I'll see what I can do tomorrow.

We've been sleeping in the same bed, but I really don't feel like going up there now, I'd rather sleep on the sofa/airbed but I'm not sure if that'll just make things worse. Crap, crap crap bloody crap. I feel like my dd does when she shouts 'it's not fair!' :-s

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Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 02:01

Do see the solicitor. Remember that that is an informative move, possibly a protective move - it's not a combative one.

ravenmum · 15/08/2017 07:45

Honestly, what a thoughtless thing to do. Towards you and towards the children. She's really lost it, hasn't she?

Good advice from Ellisandra. I'm in another country, so things work a bit differently here legally, but my current bf went through exactly this with his wife. Had to fight to get 50/50 but succeeded. His wife moved in with OM immediately after they broke up, stayed a year, then broke up with OM, so their 6-year-old suffered two breakups within a year. Wife now acting regretful and embarrassed towards her ex and seems to realise that he was the only source of stability for their daughter the whole time.

You're being walked over indeed, but that does not put you in the wrong or mean you need to change. I admire my bf for keeping his cool and being a good dad.

Your wife seems to be living in dreamland, where she can have a new bf while still sharing a bed with her ex, and persuade herself that no-one (you, the kids) will get hurt and everyone is OK with this, so her actions are fine. She needs to see some of the consequences of her actions - not just in the form of words, but in changes, such as her moving into the spare room / onto the sofa. Make her up a bed, move her things out of the wardrobe ... have your family round to visit and tell her you don't want her to be there as you are no longer a couple ...

Original poster

DadOctave · 15/08/2017 12:57

found a solicitor and booked in for a free 30min consultation, earliest they can see me is 4th Sept though.

should I see more than one to 'shop around' ? :-0

feels all so strange. :-s

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