Too soon meeting OM?

[DadOctave]

So my wife has just revealed that OM is coming to our town on Thursday, and she is going for a day out with him with my DC. I only found out about affair last week, and we decided to separate last Sunday.

She has been seeing this guy since late March. I'm like no way it is way too soon for them to meet him, she said she is doing it whether I like it or not. Am I being unreasonable? I Feel like my feelings and emotions are being trampled all over here. ffs She said she wants to see what he is like around the kids to have an idea if it really would work in the future. I am just not happy AT all.

Well done to you. For the minute, I would say just listen to what they have to say and then if you need to get legal at anytime in the future, you can see a couple more. It's probably better that they didn't have an earlier appointment, gives you time to get your thoughts together.

It will feel strange but it's just something you have to do to find out where you stand. We all hope it will all go so amicably but you are doing this just in case it doesn't. I must say you are being so dignified and sensible about this. I am sure you don't feel that way at the minute, but it will be important to you later.

Good for you.

Dad I would try and see a solicitor sooner than that if you can. And yes don't leave. Any chance you can have your own bedroom or sleeping arrangements? Must be really difficult for you. She is doing the kid with the OM way too soon but you need to pick your battles at the moment.

Been passed a personal recommendation of someone who helped my sister's friend during her separation/divorce, so might give them a bell as well.

Glad I seem dignified, I didn't feel it this afternoon, ended up feeling like I wanted to smash something..... ended up mowing the lawns instead.... take that grass! rarghh

However this evening I went back to Slimming World, joined a new group, with a few aims: lose weight, rebuild my self-esteem, and also stop being a social hermit, get used to just meeting new people, saying hello and being friendly. They were a lovely group and we had a real laugh, took my mind off everything. Looking forward to next week.

I know your situation isn't funny but I actually laughed at 'take that grass' 😂

Good on you getting out and about! One step at a time.

That lawn had it coming.... :-)

One of the best things about life, is given the chance we can find humour in almost anything, stops us going insane.

Just wanted to wish you well, you sound like such a nice guy and your ex is completely taking the piss with this. How can she think of introducing kids to new man when you split on Sunday??
Try and see another solicitor sooner just for the free advice, contact CAB maybe too if they can help? If anything getting your facts will show her you are serious about this.

You need to stop being that doormat and stop her taking the piss.

You need to go and get legal advice now. Pay for it. Go at her hard and don't feel you have to be nice. You don't.

OP, I joined back at SW tonight, too!

Good luck with it :) And good for you for finding a positive focus for yourself. Best thing to happen to me tonight is the salted caramel hifi bars :) Definitely give them a go.

P.s. Your ex'D'W is a shit.

Can't sleep. I think she is lying to me again. She suddenly told me today she is off out for drinks tomorrow night with a friend who she rarely bothers with, and she is meant to be mad busy with work atm before hols, and out for day with the om on Thursday. Given that he has to travel from the other side of the country it could be perfectly feasible that he is actually traveling down tomorrow and she's meeting him? Whilst that in itself only bothers me to a certain extent, the need to lie about it she claims to be done lying would really piss me off.

Hi again DadOctave. I'm sorry things are a bit shit.

I'm sorry to say this but I really think you need to reset your expectations here! She has proven to you that she's a liar and she doesn't put your comfort or happiness first. You need to start being a little more skeptical, and selfish.

Glad you're seeing a solicitor. If you can get in earlier with another one, shopping around never hurts.

Who knows, maybe her repressed conscience is actually nagging at her slightly, and this is a sign that she's actually feeling a tiny bit bad about rubbing her love life in your face?

In your position my response would be "Your private life has nothing to do with me any more, please only give me relevant information such as "I can't look after the kids Friday night" and keep the rest to yourself." OK, maybe in your crappy position you can't be quite as direct, but maybe find some way of getting that across to her?

You're really going on a family holiday? You really want to subject yourself to that? Sounds like you need more distance if anything.

So tonight is genuine after all, glad I bit my lip all day. Tomorrow is still going ahead despite my suppressed anger and protestations. Have been assured all beahviour will be as friends, he will buy no treats etc.

I am feeling somewhat childish this evening, I have found out they have booked a hotel tomorrow night, I know the hotel and have the reservation details. I am so, so very tempted to cancel the booking just before check in. I'm also tempted to go down there and check in myself as it is booked in my wife's name. Or I could order a load of takeaways, cash payment on delivery, use his name. All fantasy really I guess.

Im tempted to pack my daughter's bag with particularly noisey whistles, and toys that I know she and her brother would argue over. Feels somewhat mean on them.

Whole thing makes me feel sick to the core. I don't know what I will do tomorrow, I actually hope there is some crisis with work that will take my whole attention or I will be tempted to act out one of the scenarios above, or worse still something nuclear like tell the wife or post on social media. (He has 2500 Twitter followers)

Of course you know from my posts that will not likely happen really. I will destroy more lawn, or possibly go out drinking all day (hmm no that would make me do something I'd regret)

Not expecting any more advice really. It's just good to sound off somewhere and type this all out.

Family holiday has now been reduced to one week thank fuck....

I reckon it sounds to me that she'll definitely want 50 50, she will enjoy the time to herself too much. Sounds like you're being a bit too soft at the moment though . She's sleeping with someone else, jolly well blow up that airbed and tell her she's on it from now.

Reckon you're right about 5050 given a lot of her comments, and reasons for staying away, she is out a lot anyway, but I can't assume anything.

Another thing crossed my mind, I could just go out tomorrow afternoon and stay out all evening, so this old muggins here isn't lined up for childcare.

I do think the airbed will be dug out the loft tomorrow night. I won't be sleeping on that's for sure.

You were told on your last thread that your DW is not your friend. Unless you see her as your enemy you are going to carry on with this pantomime and end up getting even more hurt. Sorry to be so brutal.

She has already left the marriage, she has already moved on. Unless you see the situation clearly you will always be playing catch up. Your previous life has gone, time to construct your new life.

Firstly, you may not want confrontation, but you need to put plans in place in case confrontation comes looking for you. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. See a solicitor ASAP. Start to keep notes (Hidden). Things like your DW introducing your DC's to her "lover" need documenting.

Forget short term "wins" like cancelling the hotel and play the long game. Get proof she is in the hotel with another man. Document everything.

Why are you "hoping" to get 50/50 access? Aim for more, clearly she is an unfit parent. She will presumably be "gloves off" trying to demonstrate your inadequacies.

Stop playing this like you have to be nice. Be nice but win.

So she's booked a hotel for tomorrow night without checking if you are going to be in or arranging childcare?? Sounds like my ex.

You're getting fit now, right? And being at home with her is presumably not too pleasant. How about arranging three nights a week when you go out to the gym / exercise classes / the cinema / drinking with your mates? She can then go out and do her thing on another three nights, and the remaining night is open for last-minute arrangements, but those must be arranged in advance?

That will both get you out, get you fit and put a stop to her presumptuous behaviour.

Yeah making an effort. (Gym etc)

To be fair we had a big sit down chat and we were both quite frank about everything and how we felt, and as mad as it may sound to some people on here, we came out the better for it, I understand her reasons, this isn't me being 'kind' for the sake of it, she took on everything I was saying and we talked a lot about where things had gone wrong with the marriage. There is no blame, seriously, I wish I could explain more, but it would take too long. Obviously I am still very sad/uncomfortable about today, this evening etc but if it didn't happen now it'd be another time. Although this is after the fact about me finding out about the affair she is swearing blind she is being honest and up front about everything now, even though the truth is hurtful, she could have lied about today, kept it secret, and staying in the hotel.

Some of the things we discussed were profound, made me very sad, but was the inevitable truth. Our kids have never really seen us hold hands, kiss, cuddle, etc they don't know how couples are together, my mum and dad used to all the time. This isn't either of our faults, we have grown apart, I've done stuff to drive her away, she's done things that have driven me away. We've grown apart. Somehow the planets sync'd once and we were dynamite together, had an amazing time, but we've changed, moved on I guess.

Good ideas regarding nights out etc RavenMum, I think it will lay the ground work for me moving on,Gets me out socialising etc too.

I'm sure many here will feel I'm a mug, and given my earlier posts of how I was feeling I can understand, more centred today, guess it's the only way otherwise I will go barmy.