Having a total 'mare with "D"M

[Orangesox]

I think I need a little perspective on my DM's behaviour, particularly around this years Xmas Plans. There's a lengthy history of narcissistic behaviour etc, so I think I'm not quite the disappointment I'm told I am. But, nevertheless I'd like some opinions!

DH and I have been together 12 years, we spent our first 6 xmas apart (him with his DP's, me with my DM (she would never share me with DF and DStepM). Then spend the next 5 either with DM, or in our own place and then seeing DM on Boxing Day. Largely down to the huge uproar she caused every time we mentioned xmas at the In laws.

So, DM mentions that her DSis and husband aren't going to their sons in South Wales this year, and he's being a selfish pig for not dragging his family up to see his parents. Why don't we invite them for xmas so they're not on their own?

Marvellous says I, why don't you spend xmas with them, and we can see to for New Years when we get back from the in laws? It's about time I spend an xmas with them after 12 years, it's been a bit rude of me to avoid it for this long. She then threw a massive tantrum strop, the tears and the insults started flying "well that's not fair, don't you ever think about anyone but yourself, I'm going to be on my own at Christmas... etc etc"

Now I appreciate I've made a rod for my own back with this, but in the early days I was in my late teens and early twenties so I didn't see this coming.

Am I infact the devil incarnate?

I need an outside opinion on this, but not an aibu, because I'm too emotional for that stuff today!

No you need to go to the in-laws. The norm is usually alternate it? One year with your DM, next year with in-laws. Are you an only child?

sigh how did you know I'm an only child?

I am indeed her only, and I'm also the one who picked up the pieces when my dad left 15 years ago, she went batshit and I had to sort out paying the bills. We have a deeply unhealthy relationship, in that she is so dependent it makes me want to vomit. Slowly over time I've pulled further and further away (metaphorically and physically - we now live 45 mins away), but she still seems to think that my life should revolve around her. My poor DH, I have no idea how he's put up with it all these years.

It's hard isn't it. My DF died 6 years ago very suddenly and even though I have a brother who lives on the same street as me it's always down to me to pick up the pieces.
I don't mind as much as my mum is a very sweet, kind and thoughtful mother so I want to help her - but it's still a huge emotional burden.
I don't know how you cope to be honest.
My grandma is like this with my mum and she makes her feel guilty at every opportunity

It is hard, and sometimes she really struggles to see that I'm not being selfish as such, I'm just trying to have a normal life. She won't see that sometimes I want to spend a weekend at home with DH, even if it's being lazy and watching the tv all day. It's exhausting her expecting me to be her 24/7 companion.

I dont think she's ever got over her divorce, I wish that time had healed those wounds but it hasn't.

That must be very hard being the one expected I do it all, especially as you need to grieve for your father too. A sudden loss is incredibly difficult to cope with.

You need to go to your inlaws. It will be good for your Mum for you not to give in to her tantrum.

Call your Aunt and Uncle and ask them to invite her.

Cavender we are definitely going, come hell or high water

Can she go to her sisters?

Establish a new world order and stick to it. You can rotate years: 1) her year 2) ils year 3) you and your dh / your own family. No need to feel guilty (and guilt is a choice- choose to not feel guilty). No need to let her make you feel guilty. Her tantrums are her way to manipulate and control you. Her insults are a way to shame you into submission. To get past this, imho, you will need to emotionally detach from your dm to a certain extent.

Andtheband is 100% right

She can go to her sisters, she's perfectly capable of driving, or infact hosting them at hers. She'll choose not to, and get shit faced and then leave me abusive voicemails... the joys.

Funnily enough, she's managed before when it's been just DH and I at xmas, because nobody gets us then, I think it's like a competition with her... if she can't have us then nobody else can. (The length this goes to where my father is concerned... well that usual involves suicide threats, threats to turn up and cause a scene etc to the point that my dad was too scared to come to my first ever flat for three years incase she turned up and went batshit).

Emotional detachment I can do, I think. I find it hard though when she involves her family and they start to have a go at me... I find that worse actually

You've done really well changing the way things have been..

Have a peaceful Christmas is it too soon to say that

It is hard. But when you get to your "enough is enough" point, then make your stand. The "flying monkeys" she sends to do her bidding should be ignored. It's none of their business. If they care enough to stick their nose in and shame you, then they can care enough to host your mum. But they have no trouble saying no to that, do they? Funny, that.

On mum's off years you can schedule Easter Halloween would be more suited with her or whatever bank holiday that is convenient. Or Boxing Day/New Years. But if that will only get you an earful about Christmas, then I'd take those off the table as well.

And make it clear: the more she complains, the less she will get. You are an adult now. She still thinks you are a child to be forever tied to her to continuously receive any abuse she throws on you. Nope.

Being an only child is a red herring. You are not contractually obligated to her.

Invite her to your inlaws too? I do feel sorry for your DM too. It's hard to be alone at xmas.

AndTheBand you just get it... thank Christ someone gets it.

Alanna1 she doesn't like my in laws, they're too common (they're not at all), then they think they're better than her because they live in a detached bungalow, then its because she doesn't want to be with couples (DH and I don't count as a couple because "just you wait and see how you feel when he leave you like your father left me" as said on my wedding day) she doesn't want to go anywhere that she won't rule the roost unfortunately.

She doesn't have to be alone though... that's the whole point. She's choosing to be because she isn't getting what she wants, which is our undivided attention. Her sister will invite her, as she does frequently for other events, and she'll not go, because they don't have sky tv, because she doesn't want them to know she vapes, because, well because!

When she stays over (ever, not just at Christmas) she always overstays her welcome - I know this sounds incredibly harsh, but hear me out.

I literally mean that we'll agree she's staying from Friday to Sunday (bearing in mind she only lives 35-45 mins away and we see her on at least a weekly basis), and on Sunday she won't just get up, have a lovely breakfast with us, maybe even go out for Sunday lunch and then "cheerio love, I'll let you put your feet up, thank you for having me"... no, she'll sit on the sofa in a sulk all day because it's her day to go home and actually she wants to stay a few more days even if it's incredibly inconvenient, she won't talk to you or say thank you for anything at all, and then leave at about 10pm with a face on (or worse, she'll have to be told to go home because I need to go to bed as I'm up at 5am to go to work).

Do you see why I've run out of sorry to a certain extent?

Jesus that was long - I should probably see a counsellor about this!

orangesox

It is impossible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist. You must realise that by now.

No you are not the devil incarnate at all, you have simply had enough but you need to raise and reassert your own boundaries further here. She won't like that at all and you may find that difficult to do because she has enmeshed you so very much from early childhood as well. You may well be an only child but you are not contractually obligated to her although you are very much still mired in your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re her. That was caused by her as well.

Narcissists tend to use more distant family members to do their bidding for them, these well meaning easily manipulated individuals are the flying monkeys sent by the narcissist to do their dirty work for them. Flying Monkeys are not interested at all in hearing your side of things so they should be ignored. They are also acting in their own self interest rather than yours.

Your mother's tears are manipulative in nature and she found something she could and has reacted to. Its all about her really, you are a bit part player with her at the centre of her own universe. She has trained you well unfortunately to serve her at your overall expense.
She could not give a fig about Christmas and who she spends it with really.

Your self-esteem or feelings of self-worth should NEVER be based on another soul’s subjective opinion of YOU. Don’t let the proverbial “turkeys” (or more aptly turkey dinners) get you down. Be your merry older and wiser self. If they refuse to allow you to live your life in a state of healthy and bountiful joy, thank them for their interest in saving you from yourself. Then, post haste, bid them adieu and tell them you hope they have a nice day — someplace else.

Narcissists love to spoil holidays and birthdays because to them the festivities represent stress triggers. For instance, how profoundly disruptive to a person’s thinking to have kind-hearted people fixing “Creme Brulee” flavored coffee and handing them out in plain red cups. Holidays are especially rough on a Narcissist’s favorite scapegoat (you in this instance) and situationally targeted victim(s).

Because abusive personalities are likely to trigger easily and frequently at the slightest provocation from any source or cause during these times, those who are most frequently bullied or harassed end up developing their own C-PTSD version of holiday stress.
People who are egocentric love to attention hog, so ruining other people’s feelings of warmth or interpersonal contentedness with the world while celebrating any holiday, birthday, personal celebration, commemorative milestone, or symbolic season like Christmas is their forte. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells while you are struggling to please or avoid the wrath of another person that gets worse during periods of high stress for a vacuous person, it’s NOT in your imagination.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men are often discarded or are as narcissistic as they are. I am not at all surprised that they divorced some years back.

Do read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward and have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. I would also suggest you read the "daughters of narcissistic mothers" web pages as well.

oldraver thank you! It feels wrong to be talking about Christmas in August... I've not even been on holiday yet this year and Christmas is already stressing me out!

orangesox

It would be an idea indeed to see a therapist about your mother and preferably one who knows about narcissistic family structures. Also this person should have no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Therefore the first person you see may not be the right one. These people are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with your approach. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

And below is why Christmas is stressing you out already:-

"Because abusive personalities are likely to trigger easily and frequently at the slightest provocation from any source or cause during these times, those who are most frequently bullied or harassed end up developing their own C-PTSD version of holiday stress".

Attila as always, your wisdom is profound. I must read those books, I've dipped my toe into stately homes before, but always scurried away. I will persevere this time.

You are too kind honestly orangesox.

My MIL's behaviour is one of the reasons why we go on holiday at Christmas now and is yet another person who cannot accept other people's boundaries.

I knew you were going to mention the flying monkeys. Do you think people know they're being used when they do the flying monkey thing?

OP once you start to pull back and get over the hard beginning bit, it will get easier to say no and not feel the guilt. Good luck.

gamerchick

re the flying monkeys I found this excerpt helpful:-

Sometimes, a narcissist will not attack you publicly in any way–which makes them look good–but they are privately telling carefully chosen people how evil and awful you are. They select these people the same way they choseyou. They are experts at reading people and realizing who will make an easy target and a puppet. They also know who won’t, so they avoid the people they can’t easily use. Narcissists usually choose other, lesser, narcissists who will enjoy attacking you, or they choose very empathetic people who believe their stories and honestly believe they are supporting an innocent person. These flying monkeys then proceed to stalk you and report back to the narcissist–again, either to be mean or because they think they are helping the wronged party. Or, the worst flying monkeys will spread the lies the narcissist tells them privately by taking them public. The lies don’t come from the narcissist’s mouth, so they can claim they are “taking the high road,” but the words the flying monkeys spread are exactly what they heard fromthe narc. They do the narcissist’s evil, but make it seem like the narcissist isn’t really involved. They have no idea they are being used. The term comes from the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz since the wicked witch sends them to carry out her attacks. Most of the time, the narcissist has convinced the monkeys that the narcissist is the victim and the real victim is the abuser, so the monkeys go after the real victim and treat the real victim like the abuser.

So, what's the best way to deal with a flying monkey situation? Should you try to convince them that you're right, or should you just keep quiet to maintain your sanity?. That depends on the person. But often, trying to convince them of the narcissist's true intention might be pointless, and in those cases, the best thing I think you can do is to smile, nod and then go ahead and do what's best for you. I always say that flying monkeys should be ignored because they are not interested in hearing your side of things.

No you are absolutely not the Devil Incarnate!

Well done for making the change and giving your inlaws a turn, very good precedent to set that it won't always be DM every single year and for giving your DM a good few months notice to get her head around it.

As someone who has spent Christmas day alone a couple of times and celebrated on another day with family when they were free, it was my choice to spend it alone, and it will be your DM's choice if she ever spends that day alone. There were many things I could have done, including going to a hotel or event if I didn't want to spend the day at home and had literally no other family or friend options, the point being it was in my power to do what I wanted to make myself happy and that's in your DMs power. It's not anyone else's responsibility to make and keep someone happy.

(beside the point but a Christmas day without any stress spent doing exactly what you want, eating what you want, watching what you want... it's kind of blissful. )

But out there but why don't you take DM to your in laws to?

Sorry to didn't read all the thread🙈 ignore my comment. I'd put my foot down and say this year your doing what's right for your family xx