Having a total 'mare with "D"M

[Orangesox]

I think I need a little perspective on my DM's behaviour, particularly around this years Xmas Plans. There's a lengthy history of narcissistic behaviour etc, so I think I'm not quite the disappointment I'm told I am. But, nevertheless I'd like some opinions!

DH and I have been together 12 years, we spent our first 6 xmas apart (him with his DP's, me with my DM (she would never share me with DF and DStepM). Then spend the next 5 either with DM, or in our own place and then seeing DM on Boxing Day. Largely down to the huge uproar she caused every time we mentioned xmas at the In laws.

So, DM mentions that her DSis and husband aren't going to their sons in South Wales this year, and he's being a selfish pig for not dragging his family up to see his parents. Why don't we invite them for xmas so they're not on their own?

Marvellous says I, why don't you spend xmas with them, and we can see to for New Years when we get back from the in laws? It's about time I spend an xmas with them after 12 years, it's been a bit rude of me to avoid it for this long. She then threw a massive tantrum strop, the tears and the insults started flying "well that's not fair, don't you ever think about anyone but yourself, I'm going to be on my own at Christmas... etc etc"

Now I appreciate I've made a rod for my own back with this, but in the early days I was in my late teens and early twenties so I didn't see this coming.

Am I infact the devil incarnate?

I need an outside opinion on this, but not an aibu, because I'm too emotional for that stuff today!

You are far too kind. You have every right to live a life. She's had her chance. Everyone makes their own choices. I have come to realise this after years of feeling ridiculous guilt over my parent's (separate) situations. I know I'm not offering any great advice. But maybe if you came to realise what you and your DH are entitled to, ie a life revolving around what you want to do as a couple, you might feel stronger about dealing with her demands.

My parents have never travelled to my brother's family for Christmas. They always try to guilt me into having them to visit, but then again, they say that they cannot come and visit and stay overnight because of their pets ... We can't go there, our son is autistic and the disruption of routine at Christmas is difficult even in our own house, they're not geared up for him ... But still they guilt me. The latest is saying "But it's not really Christmas any more, there's nothing special about those days for us."

I've learnt to ignore it. I could argue, it's not worth my breath. I don't think my parents even realise they are doing it now, it's just the way they talk to people, like everybody else should run around them (except for my prodigal brother).

You know you are not selfish. You need to put the foot down. You can have a mini-Christmas in mid-December and invite her and then go to the in-laws. (I think it will help tremendously to arrange something before Christmas and not after. Make it Christmas Day-like.) She'll probably talk about having a near-heart attack or similar. Just listen and see how outrageous it all sounds to the rest of us "...sulking... ...won't go because they don't have Sky TV... ... suicide threats... "). If someone else told you all of that about a third person who you did not know, what would you make of it? It sounds more like the behaviour of a ten year old... which in a way it is I guess (her inner ten-year-old takes over!) Why not say that you and your partner have decided you'll go to the in-laws this year and that you'll instead have a mini-Christmas on December 16 and ask if she'd like to come, but make it clear that the being away over the Christmas week-end is a non-negotiable. How does that sound. (I think it's important to have it shortly before and not after the actual day as it will take part of the stress out of the Big Day, i.e. Christmas.)

Remember too that it isn't your IL's fault that your mother is the way she is and that, in as much as anyone has 'entitlement' to another person's time, they have an entitlement to have the odd Christmas with their son.
If you let your mum do this to you all the time, eventually it could damage your relationship. If you cannot break the cycle by yourself, please get some professional advice on how to maintain some distance.

This is exactly my issue Avoiding it breaks my heart that they put up with it too... they are absolutely amazing and know all about how my mum is, they've unfortunately had to witness it for themselves. Her "reasoning" is that they have each other, and they have another son (which clearly shows how much she thinks of me to say that one child could replace the presence of another), and therefore she as the big woman child that she is should take presidence, just because she's the centre of the universe!

It's happening now, so she'll have to put up AND shut up!

Thank you all so much for all your words of wisdom and support

Oh god, I feel your pain, OP! I used to go home to my parents, the DH went to his, for years. I finally had enough and decided that we would stay at home, plus the dh's job/animals meant we couldn't go away.

On days she stays, tell her you have something to do on the day she's leaving, physically get up, shove her out of the door at the same time as you leave to go to the pub/garden centre etc, then turn round and come home once she's safely out of sight. Don't let her do a passive-aggressive sulk til 10pm, that's pathetic of her.