Help I think my marriage is in trouble.

[Jadetreesbringluck]

God where to start. Im in turmoil and I don know what to do. Basically I think that I no longer love my husband, He is irriating me beyond belief and I am being more and more snappy with him. I have no interest in sex (although when we do it, it is excellent.)

He is not doing anything 'wrong'. I think we just have different priorities and the longer we are together the bigger the differences are?

He is not abusive, puts me first, is a good husband, can be very kind and thoughtful. He loves me to the end of the world, I know he would literally stand out in front of a car to save my life or that of our children.

We did go to counselling a while back for a short while. I found it a bit helpful but not the magic cure I was hoping for.

There is little point in going to counselling again - although he would be willing. He is grumpy and can be moody and a bit lazy about getting things done. If I pull him up on any of these points he will listen, apologies and try harder. He does try his best I just think I dont love him as much as 1. he deserves 2. I deserve.

We are together 10 years and married for almost 4. We have 2 children. They are 3&5. I cant talk to anyone in real life about this, I dont want to bad mouth him or have people discuss our relationship. The one person I want to talk it through with (him), I cant because I will break his heart. Also I am hoping this is just a rough patch and that things will go back to the way we were. I dont want the children to grow up in separate house's (also no idea how we would afford that!) I dont want to be divorced,, I dont want to hurt him.

What do I do?

What do you mean by different priorities and why, exactly, are you so angry with him?
You say he would do anything for you and I have noticed that some relationships appear to thrive on drama and dispute; others on calm and companionship.
I've also noticed that sometimes, people just get tired of same old, same old...'the grass is greener on the other side', type of thinking. You need to work out just what it is that's causing you such unhappiness because, from where I'm standing, he sounds wonderful!

I dont think it is grass is greener syndrome - but maybe it is.

We have differences in parenting, he is much more reactive than me and I pull him up on this constantly, He tells me I am a control freak and that my way is not necessarily the only way. Which I agree with to a certain degree but i will butt in when I think he is not handling a situation correctly. He will loose his temper, shout and rant about something where as I will try and understand why and try to remain calm. (I am by no means an angel thought and have often lost my temper but I do try to reflect).

He is also very black & white. He can be confrontational to get a rise (I believe) and so will deliberately bring up a topic with someone that he knows is a sore subject or that he will get a reaction.

He also talks a lot of crap - he knows the answer to everything!!! Its very annoying and he gets wound up easily. This in turn winds me up! (On the other hand he is intelligent and is a source of help and advice for many of his/our friends)

He has little or no social filter - he is the same at home as he is anywhere. He will shout at me in front of people (family & friends) but I am equally guilty of this. Again if I pull him up on any of this he is sorry and will try harder again for a while.Not is not adhd/aspergers etc its just his personality.

I dont believe that this is abuse by the way before anyone brings that up - we both know it is not ideal and are trying to work on it

I am always picking at him - I want him to tidy himself up, I comment on his clothes (he is not well dressed, will make an effort on occasion) but obviously I knew this about him when we met. He is clean though I am not saying he is dirty, although he works a dirty job so lives in 'work clothes'.

He does stuff around the house but when we have visitors - friends/family he stops, its almost like he doesnt want to be seen as 'under the thumb' when there are people there. If I say this to him he thinks I am daft, but I really do think he changes when we have company. On the other hand I can get stressed when people come to visit so I may already have my back up?

When there is no one there he will often cook clean and put the kids to bed after work so that when I get in from work I can just sit down. He gives me foot rubs, makes me drinks, buys me little gifts for no reason other than he knows I would like it. If he had a tenner left in the world he would spend it on me and/or the children.

He is always there for me emotionally, if I am having a hard time at work or with a particular situation - he will listen to me talk all night if I need it and will check in with me often after to make sure that I am ok.

I am so conflicted. When I think of actually leaving him I feel so so sad and upset. I would be devastated but as I said I am picking on him and loosing patience with him which is not fair on him in any way.

I'm sorry but your DH sounds pretty fantastic
I think the issue is yours.
Are you simply spending too much time in his company? Are you a STAHP or do you work?
Do you have a good social life?
Having a good home / social life balance is the key to a healthy relationship... you need time to yourselves too.

With regards to the shouting at the kids, maybe record him and play it back to him? He sounds like a reasonable bloke and maybe just needs to see what the kids see for it to click with him

You see - thats why I think this IS my issue. I cant be on at him to change his fundamental personality!

I should be able to love & accept him as he is but I dont.

I have a lot of other stuff going on and only half resolved Daddy issues....(alcohol). I am so scared of messing up my children and worry that we arent setting a good enough example.. i also worry that I choose the wrong person because he isnt perfect? Obviously I know no one is perfect!

I am under a lot of pressure lately with things that are circumstantial and cant be changed for now. I am also going through something very difficult and am feeling stressed.

I have form for 'running away' - (moving job, house, country..) but havent done so in years, but do get the felling to run when things are not going well....so am not sure if this has a bigger part to play in my feelings now.

Yes I work a busy job with a long commute and he often works away.

I miss him when he is not here - I get a lovely warm feeling when he walks in the door after being gone all week (but it doesnt last - I get irritated that he messes up the house/routine)

I sound like a total pain the ass!

I am actually pretty easy going, I do a lot for him, I do most of the 'wifework' but he does appreciate all that I do. I am just a lot more orgainised and get frustrated that he hasnt done the things I have asked him to in good time .(There are 3 things I wanted him to do and they are still not done since XMAS!!!!!!!)

Ok, bear with me if this is far-fetched but is it possible you are dealing with a health issue? I don't want to invalidate your actual feelings, but having read both the good and the bad about dh it sounds like you appreciate his good qualities and respect him as well as finding him annoying. Are you just irritable in general - ? Could it be that both your kids are at an age when they need lots of your time and attention and you just don't have anything left for dh? Are you getting enough sleep, enough time alone w dh etc?

When I was hypothyroid I felt like such a cold fish. I didn't feel loving toward anyone, just very easily irritated, tearful, frustrated etc. Does that ring a bell?

Again, apologies if it sounds like I'm trying to fob off your feelings, I don't mean it that way. My health issues changed my feelings and I'm so glad it was put right before I made any rash decisions.

Alternatively maybe it's time to give counselling another try. It is usually good to open up communication. It would be good for you to learn to relax and stop worrying about being perfect (or dh being perfect).

Tbh this doesn't sound like a make or break moment (I adore my dh but still find him annoying lol) but if you let it fester it could provide the atmosphere for other problems to flourish.

I agree that there is more of an issue with finding fault with him, rather than his faults being a problem in themselves. Sure some of them are annoying, but we all have our faults and he seems pretty good in lots of ways, while as you say, most of the faults have always been there (scruffiness etc) and you used to accept them. I suspect now that even if he did address them and was on best behaviour, he would still irritate you because the real issue is something else. Or a combination of things - having young DC can often magnify the pressure and use up our tolerance, hence all the shouting. In the short term, I second the PP about spending less time irritating each other and more time doing something you enjoy independently. That alone can make a big difference, taking the focus off him as 'the problem'. Maybe some counselling just for you as well, not about marriage so much as the deeper issues you're alluding to. Longer term, if the feeling that he marriage is over continues even when the DC are less of a handful and when you've done everything you can in other areas, then you may need to talk about it more seriously together. But in all honesty, if the thought of losing him still upsets you, the sex is still great (can you do it more??), he's a strong support emotionally, practically and all the other things you say, then I'd hang in there if you can and try to focus on the positives. Just out of interest, how would you feel if your criticisms/controlling pushed him away and he wanted to break up?

At points in your post you could be me at the same stage of life. I suspect you're both tired with the DC, work etc. My DH and I adore each other but neither of us are perfect. I get very defensive and can see criticism in anything he says when I am tired or upset. He can be infuriating without any intention of being so. If you love him and want it to work, then try to communicate a bit more as to how you feel when he does or doesn't do certain things. If you can communicate without criticising or taking offence, it will make so much difference. You should also set aside time for some fun, not just sex. Sometimes life seems all about work or children and that is bad for any relationship. If it helps, life has been much easier now the DC are older but I am wondering what the teenage years will bring...

From reading your posts, I really think you're just having a bit of a wobble. Are you a stay at home mom? Sometimes, as lovely as it is, being at home all day every day while the oh is at work can create tension. You can resent the fact he gets to have adult conversation and see people other than children etc.
Do you two have any time without the kids? Could you arrange a trip, just the two of you? It'd give you chance to reconnect and talk through your feelings in a neutral space.
From some of the other threads I have read about people feeling that their marriage is in trouble, your posts don't give off the same vibe. You're possibly stuck in a rut where every little bloody thing he does or doesn't do drives you to distraction. I know I've been there. It didn't last long though. I hope you can work through it.

I think the acknowledgement that you have form for the fight or flight reaction when life gets tough is your answer OP. And the fact that you're terrified of any possibility of a/ poor parenting and b/ your parent with alcohol problems becoming second generational perhaps?
Its perfectly normal to get into fight or flight mode when life becomes difficult. Its also perfectly normal to project your own feelings of anxiety, stress and worry onto your DH. What isn't normal is to continue berating him and trying to control him as a mask for your own deep seated insecurities and anxieties.
I would strongly advise that you begin to re-frame your thinking patterns, get some counselling, read some books about these issues and recognise that it isn't DH who is causing the problem, its your view of the world. And the fact that we live in one of the most stressful eras ever for working parents.

Hi all thanks for the replies - I read and re-read and was starting to think actually yes, the problem is with me, Then we had another argument last night about something small. So I am angry with him again.

I was trying to be fair in my original posts - and what I said about the nice side of him is all true, however, its the constant tit for tat battle that is wearing me down. He is SO grumpy. Moody, moaning and short tempered. There IS a pair of us in it. He says that I speak to him like a child. I may be asking the most simple thing and he will blow it out of all proportion. So i have to constantly watch my 'tone' - and I admit I can be snappy but he is just so bloody minded and rude.

My mum was over yesterday and she likes to be busy so said she would have a tidy round the shed. I said great. He came out and

DH 'what are you doing?' -
DM 'just clearing the shed'
DH 'Well as long as I don have to fuckin hear about it now for the rest of the day. SHE (me) will be giving me shit for not doing it'
DM ' I want to do it'

I then said 'She is doing us a favour, I never said anything to you about you doing it'?

DH -'Well I know what you are like, you will turn it back on me'

This is a very silly and small example of a situation.

@arousingcheer

You may be onto something - I have put on a lot of weight recently and feel miserable about it. I have not been making time to exercise either so I need to start doing some walking even, to get my head straight.

Maybe I should get my bloods done.

I am going to go to counselling alone and see what that brings. I am so very sad about it all.

Look, you're either happy with him or you aren't, regardless of who is right or wrong.

Have you thought about what life would be like if you separated? Do you think that life would be a happier one for you?

You don't need loads of concrete reasons to stop loving someone. You've already had counselling, unsuccessfully. Have you seriously thought about separating?

OP that would absolutely do my head in.

This is quite a list of negatives and they are your words.

1. He is irritating me beyond belief
2. He is grumpy and can be moody
3. I think we just have different priorities and the longer we are together the bigger the differences are
4. a bit lazy about getting things done
5. He tells me I am a control freak
6. He will lose his temper, shout and rant
7. He is also very black & white
8. He can be confrontational to get a rise
9. will deliberately bring up a topic with someone that he knows is a sore subject or that he will get a reaction.
10. He also talks a lot of crap - he knows the answer to everything!!!
11. He has little or no social filter
12. it’s almost like he doesn’t want to be seen as 'under the thumb'
13. If I say this to him he thinks I am daft

BUT..... You also have a huge list of positives.

So it depends if they outweigh the negatives for you?

Could you have counselling on your own to bottom this out.
Find out what it is YOU really want?

Hmm, that exchange about the shed is very unpleasant. The swearing and the 'SHE' indicate zero respect for you, and no doubt your 'tone' can be disrespectful for him. If you both struggle to manage a basic level of respect in the way you talk to each other, then on reflection you're right. Your marriage is in trouble and it's both your problems. Does he even really acknowledge and want to fix it, or is it just seen as you getting at him? It would be good to have some ground rules that weren't about control, but just basic manners for communicating with people that isn't filled with bile. Exchanges like that will gradually kill any love that's left.

MorrisZapp - while you are correct in what you are saying, we have 2 young children. I cant just break up a marriage and a family unit because I am not 100% happy. I would feel so guilty.

I dont know how we would afford to split either. We rent, I couldn't afford the rent and childcare on my salary. Who knows if I can rely on him to give me enough to survive?

I have fantasied about what it would be like if we split, I imagine living in a smaller house that is clean (to my standard!) and jobs will be done when needed because I wouldnt be relying on someone else to do it. I imagine days out with the kids that are more fun and less stressful (often feel I have to manage him on days out as he gets 'stressed'..) I imagine how much nicer car journeys are where there is no one getting riled up with road rage!

Flip side is that I imagine having to share the kids every second xmas, every other weekend. I feel heartbroken that the vows we made could be so easily broken. I feel scared that I would be making a huge mistake.

I think you want us to say LTB and will continue to supply evidence until you get what you want. The truth is that you are not happy with him and you already know what you need to do

OKay.....
So a few more to add to the negative list then

14. He is SO grumpy. Moody, moaning and short tempered
15. He says that I speak to him like a child
16. he will blow it out of all proportion
17. So i have to constantly watch my 'tone'
18. he is just so bloody minded and rude
19. DH -'Well I know what you are like, you will turn it back on me'

I don't think you like him very much.
And it seems that he speaks to you with a lot of disrespect.
That's enough to kill off any love!

Well the road rage and holiday stress aren't great, are they? Do you generally feel relaxed and at ease in his company?

@hellsbellsmellons

Thats the problem right there - I am so confused because its just not clear cut. If he hit me I would be gone (he NEVER would)
If he cheated (really really dont think so - he is loyal 100%)
If he stole or lied or hit one of the children - Id be gone. But the same could be said for any marriage I guess.

There is a pair of us in it - we did try to do some work around that and had a 'code word' for when we felt things getting stressful so did use that for a while but that petered out.

We went for counselling - but I didnt really feel heard, he was very clam and contrite in the sessions.

He is sorry, he does try, he does love me,.

Pinkdelight - yes he is horrified when I explain how things he says or does things that make me feel bad. He does acknowledge it and he does want to fix it. But what if this is just who we are and we would be better off apart/with other people?

Well I think he has probably had enough too by the sound of the shed exchange. He sounds like a decent guy who has been nagged and obviously dislike for a long time.

You don't need permission to leave. but I do wonder if people leave far too easily these days. Love isn't easy, it is damn hard work and takes effort. Maybe you should actually talk to him, yes it will upset him but just walking out instead of talking to him will upset him more.

Morriszapp - I do and I do!! I can feel on edge as I dont know if he is going to be in a good mood or not. Other times I feel that being beside him is the very best place I could be.

When I am upset it is still him I want to comfort me.

When I have good new/bad news it is him I want to confide in

When I just need a rant or a cuddle - he is there for me.

To the poster who said I am just adding more info so you will all say LTB - I am not sure you are right about that. If I knew what I needed to do then I would do it. Its the not knowing that is causing the problem.

I cant figure out of the positives outweigh the negatives.

Well you could have 1,000 positives and only 1 negative but that negative would be enough for you to end things.
Read through all your posts.
Do a realistic list of pros and cons.
Then really think things through.

Do YOU want this life for the next 20 years???
Can you imagine living like this for the next 20 years?
That's 7,300 days of this life.
Would you rather not have to live with this - worrying about his mood etc....?
If you can answer these honestly then I think you know what you need to do.
Hard as it may be.
You get one shot at this life!
Don't live the next 20 years of it with someone who disrespects you and who you don't love.
What a waste!

UPDATE

Hi all, thanks so much for your comments and help. I was all over the place but last night I sat down with my DH and we cleared the air. I feel so much better, it turns out that he has been narky with me because I have been narky with him. Vicious circle!

I have been very stressed lately so we made a plan on how to reduce my stress. We also decided that until things really settle down we will have half hour each week to air any issues, calmly and productively. I am going to get two little note books for us each so that if there is an issue or upset during the week we can take a note of it and discuss in our half hour chat.

I think that will help so that we dont loose the plot with each other as we have a safe space ready to to talk.. This means we dont have to argue in front of the kids or anyone else.

I am also going to go to counselling alone to help sort my own shit out!

Feel like a weigh is off now!